Been too long.

It's been so long I forgot why I was writing a blog. 

I'm still not sure but I have a minute and I ended up here, so I am going to type.

Shits been crazy lately. There's no room for error, there's no time for sex- life is full on... full on.

I gotta say though, I really love it. I get off on it almost. I think of the days where nothing is going on and I just wonder "what the hell did I do??".

Not that I am against those days. I do like to lay in bed till 2 p.m. and hide out from the world but that's just not what's doin' lately and I'm into it.

This week is my son's last elementary school talent show. It means so much to me, I love every minute of watching him come up with songs and practice them over and over and over. I know there will be more talent shows, but this one is special. It's the last with this crew that we have grown up with since 1st grade. 

Middle school is rough. This whole getting ready to part ways has been a tough pill for him to swallow. I think he is going to be fine but it is hard to tell. He is sensitive and although he adapts well to change, he is a creature of comfort too- we'll see.

Pregnancy makes me cry,

HARD.

I remember when I was at the end of my pregnancy with Quattro, Eddie and I were watching some relatively dumb movie. I mean, maybe it wasn't but I feel like it was an "eh" movie-

anyway there was this scene at the end or near the end when the lady loses her baby. It was "She's Having a Baby" or something 80's cheesy like that...

Up until that moment, in my then 23 years of life, I had never felt what I felt. As the scene was happening I felt my body get hot and my chin start to shake-  I was kinda scared, I wasn't sure what was going on. Labor? It was very primal. I had never done "primal".

I walked to the bathroom and burst into tears. Like BURST! I was out of control sad. It was this feeling I can only equate with like seeing someone die in front of you.  Someone that you loved desperately. 

I was fucked.

I didn't know what was going on. I was hiding from my husband. I was trying to hide from myself. I just couldn't stop crying, inside my head was like this speeding loop of my life. It was fucking ridiculous.

But now, 12 years later I know all about that feeling. It doesn't only happen from a scene in a movie but for some reason, that does tend to set it off. I think the quiet, "in your head" space you are physically and mentally in while you are watching a movie makes it easier to target you. You are vulnerable when you are watching movies. You don't even have to be watching a good one.

It makes me feel bad for men. I mean, maybe they disagree but I don't think you can have that rush, that feeling- there are no describing words to give you even a remotely good idea of what I mean. Unless you have had a child, I really do not think you can go "there". And maybe that is good, I mean, it is a crazy place. Only for a second, but it's pure insanity.

It dies down when you are not pregnant but once you carry that little thing, once you have a life develop- it's on like Donkey Kong. It's got you.

And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe anyone can go there. Maybe adopted Mothers have it. Hell, maybe Fathers have it too. I don't know. I'm not judging. I had never felt anything like it and now that I am a Mother of, well, basically 3 I can see it all connected.

The "Mom-dar" that I have, it is so strong and drives me crazy sometimes- but it's there. It's part of this primal notion that I am forever on the edge of my seat. I will never again have it be just me. There is no "just me" and that is a really crazy thing. There are no moments in my life that are just mine. And I am absolutely good with that.

Your son is gifted...

but not that gifted.

Here is my appeal letter. One I never had a thought I'd write until I found out my son doesn't have a chance in hell of getting into a program that will best suit his learning abilities. I am sending it out into the abyss that is this blog because that shit makes me feel better and because I'm a writer and I haven't had anything to write about in ages. 

This morning after I got off the phone with the very blunt Enrollment center lady, I was sitting at the table with the news that my son had tested into a gifted program but not quite the one he needed to get into to get a leg up. So why test? Why have this hang over my head? Why have 2 groups of smart kids? Why not just one. The gifted and the not. 

I am in the "not" category (I had to spell check the word "category", no shit) but my son is- why are you telling me he needs to apply like every other Joe, even though you asked him to take a test to state he isn't "Joe"? Hmm? I ask you "why?" On second thought- never mind.

My name is Jessika D and I am writing to appeal for my son Edward D #....

I feel like getting the letter stating he tested high on the MSP was a win for us. He’s a smart kid. In the original letter it said we should think about having him tested in the CogAT, a test I knew nothing about.

Having a child in the public school system has been good to us. We have fought for him when we weren’t happy with a direction (changing schools after kindergarten) and let him rise to the top, by himself, on all the rest.

When I received the letter with his results that he was “eligible as a student who is academically gifted and qualified to enroll in the Spectrum Program”, I was beyond thrilled, I thought he would be on his way to bigger and better things than what a traditional learning school could offer him.

I don’t have any fancy testing to give you. I have never called any group to have my genius son tested, nor have I ever asked him to be a part of a test that would result in such accolades. I do not believe he is a genius. I do believe, however, that he is a child that would not only benefit from such a program as APP but I think he would give that program something back.

My son is not socially delayed, as described in a APP description on the Seattle Schools website. I knew so little about these programs, I did my research. I read every word. I didn’t want him to end up in the unknown, I needed to know where he was headed, if he did in fact receive scores 98% or higher on his CogAT.

He did not, but he came close.

He was accepted into the Spectrum program but after some lengthy phone calls to Enrollment and Adv Learning, I have learned that he is not even guaranteed a spot in his area school, let alone the school we would like for him, which is not our area school. This to me is a waste of great potential.

I am appealing because his scores were good. They were really good. In reading his MAP is a 95 and MSP was 94. In Math he received a 96 on his MAP test. For APP he needed a 95% or higher. On his CogAT, his high was 93.

I would never send my child into something I think he’d fail at. Not because I’m afraid for him to fail, but I do believe in fighting for him and this is what I hope I am doing. I believe wherever he ends up will be where he is destined to be but I also believe that sometimes you need to be given a chance. Destiny and testing can only get you so far.

I know someone will have to give him a chance to let him be accepted into this program. I realize his scores did not qualify him but this test can’t tell you the amount of drive and capacity this child has. He is a sponge. He is smart and unique and will no doubt become a more successful person if given a chance to run with this crowd.

Thank you for reading my appeal.

Jessika D mother of Edward D

"Romance reinvents itself after kids."

That's what I heard once. 

I guess I believe it. I had no reason to think that the crazy, stupid, love I had at the beginning of my marriage would last through kids or time or anything. Like a lot of couples, it was intense, in some ways it still is. 

My husband is not a romantic. He wishes he was but he's not and that is okay. I was always attracted to heavy romance, I am chocolate and flowers, seems as though I don't attract that though. I'm not sure I ever had a romantic boyfriend- I can't really remember any of them. I have been married for 100 years and thankfully- happily so.

When I got married, I figured I would end up divorced. I actually thought it was another wild thing I was doing. I was good with wild, I did wild. Divorce didn't scare me. I didn't want to be headed for failure, I just assumed I was on a wild ride and at some point it would end. He was a rock guy in a band. I was a dancer. It was way too cliche.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to marry him, I just thought it may end up not working out. Like so many of them, like so many people told me. I didn't hope for failure but I am the kind of person that isn't surprised by failure. Like wild, I did failure too. 

12 years later and closing in on 3 kids, I realize that this marriage may just last forever. We are both shocked and amazed by that. We both feel lucky to have made it past the "hump" if you haven't gotten to yours- brace yourselves. There is a hump and it's a fucking doozy. Ours came at 7 years. So lame but we are just regular people, we are not immune to hard times. 

We made it though and maybe, just maybe that was our way of reinventing romance. 

Being broke, motivates.

When I was young, like 18-20, when I had no money, I was depressed. I would not find energy or drive. I would find $4 and buy vodka. It's weird how time changes you. Every year after the holidays, we go into a spending freeze and it is good for me. It lets me gather my thoughts, think of new projects and to just step away from the stores. All of them. Even the craft stores and the market. I just stop, make it work with what we've got. It's nice.

My Grandfather is dying.

I usually am not one to blog about serious stuff. I mean, the birth of my daughter (with an insanely graphic, amazing, beautiful picture included) sure, but some things are just best not to share. There are  a lot of things I choose not to share and that is why I go weeks without writing. Sometimes life is just fucked. It's too deep.

Now is that time but I am choosing to let myself off the hook. 

Death is something I have not had to deal with much. I have not been spared this incredibly desperate tragedy but it is not something that has plagued my life. I'm lucky, I think. 

Right now though... I am feeling every bit the pain and agony that surrounds this part of everyone's life. No matter how much or how little we have to deal with death, I am firm believer that it sucks all the same.

So he's dying and I can't do anything about it. He is old, but not old enough. He will be leaving behind my Grandmother and I worry about her. Where will she go? Who will she love? And- can she die of a broken heart?

I will. I will absolutely lose a huge part of myself when he dies. I will never recover, I will never ever be the same. He was the father I never had and the Grandfather everyone wanted. He spent quality time with my son, who absolutely thinks of him as a Grandfather- not a Great Grandfather. He showed him how to work on cars and told him stories. He played butterflies with my daughter, she read him stories. He held her when she was a baby and was proud I named her after his beautiful wife of over 60 years. I am so glad I had children early in life. In a lot of ways I believe my life played out like it did so I could share him with them, they are better people because of it. My husband never met his Grandparents, mine were happy to take him in. The fact that my children got to spend even part of their youth knowing and loving the two of them- I will always feel proud of that. 

He was there for everything, he has seen and done so much. The world and every part of my being will never be the same. Holidays will have a physical hole in them. December 22 (his birthday) will be sad for an eternity.

I am sure we will all be able to stomach the loss at some part of our lives. I guess that is part of the process but I'm skeptical at best. I can't prepare. I have no idea when the call will come and truthfully I could get that call about anyone in my life but it is Ole that I have a heavy heart for every night, every afternoon and every morning. 

What to expect?

Today I found my very old copy of the great "What To Expect When You're Expecting".

It was kinda funny that I still had it. I throw out everything but I guess I learned- not everything.

After we had Quattro, I was pretty sure we wouldn't have any more. I was trying to want to have another one right after, you know, the 2-3 year age gap but I just couldn't. I was traveling all around and when at home, I was a single mom, so it just didn't seem like something I could do. And to be honest, I couldn't have. 

I am the person who got married and decided to have a baby to change the course of my life. I wanted a baby but not until I met my husband. I had friends with kids but it never seemed like something I would be good at, or want to get good at. After I met and married Eddie, we were both just there. We just appeared at that moment together. He may or may have not always wanted to have kids, I don't know. I met and wed him in under 100 days, I have no idea who he was before then- nor did I care. Still don't.

Anyway, we just did it. We talked about it one day and then 3 months later is was so. It came at the right time, we were party animals. We were rockers I guess. Yes, he is in a band and yes I was traveling with him, so yes, we were getting into a lot of trouble. I told him we should write a book about it. The night we got thrown out of the Showbox or the night (okay, it was morning) we woke up laying in the median on Las Vegas Blvd. that was, by the way, our first morning as a married couple.

I'm not sure what this all has to do with "What to expect" I guess it's me saying you really can't expect anything. Or you should just expect everything and then you are prepared for it all.

I'm getting there. I am preparing right now. Blogging, eating chocolate while my two children are sleeping and my husband is at our friends watching the Rose Bowl, preparing to enjoy a football game which he never really watches at home because he is a hands on Dad when he's here. I'm preparing for my third and maybe final child. Maybe. I am preparing to have a very fat ass, where to put the bassinet and what to do with my tits that are suddenly spilling out of my bra. I'm currently not wearing a bra and I like it.