Reshare.

I wrote this November 9, 2014 and after reading it again I learned two things.

1. I put everything I've got into something.

2. I have basically gone the farthest distance to nowhere.


I can't believe I'm not drinking rn. I would pour a glass of Bordeaux in a hot second.

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I am reading every bit of information I can find about downsizing.
How to? (nobody tells you anything helpful), why? everyone has their own reasons, and what next? That's the big question.

For us, well- for me, I feel a bit like I am treading water. Like over the last few years we aren't saving any money, we aren't traveling, we aren't living a full life. We aren't together. That's my "why?".
The how and the what next is what I am living right now. And it is like being at the top of a roller coaster.

I remember the first time I ever went to a real amusement park. Cedar Point, with an old friend and we waited in line for this insane looking roller coaster which was, at the time, the tallest and fastest one in the world. I wanted to wait in the longest line to sit in the front row, my friend told me it was intense and any row would do- I just didn't see it like that. I figured if I am going to wait to ride, I am going to get the best seat in the house and recently I have realized that is my personality in a nutshell.  Like it or not, I am not going to waste anytime on something that isn't the best I can get. Maybe that is why when I turn around and look at where I have been it makes me really proud.

I guess the last couple of years have been ones that I felt missed the mark a little. I did feel I was sacrificing and that is also my "why?". I am proud that I have held down to fort with three kids and my husband has been out there chasing  his dream but I realize that this isn't what I want to be doing. I don't want to live the life of a single Mother, although I had a really good one raise me, I am not interested in seeing how tough I am in this arena. It sucks. It's hard and I feel my dreams are so tangible right now. I can feel that thing that they talk about in counseling sessions in high school. I am 20 years past high school and I am finally getting it. That is another thing about me- I'm slow at the giddie up.

Give me comfort and give me soup!

Super easy, one pot, no hassle.

I like to have a roast chicken at ALL times. It sounds silly but if you have a roast chicken (and you not a veg) you have a really good meal on your hands.

The other night, Whole 30 was kicking my ass. Soccer is in full swing, they practice seemingly 127 times a week and I am a single Mum again this month- so shit is hitting the fan, but we still gotta eat!



I sliced (so much better than a dice in a soup, don'tcha agree?)
One half of a sweet onion
Dice 3 carrots
1 can on tom
1 quart of homemade *chicken stock
And steamed, sautéed or fresh veggies you like- I added steamed green beans
Fresh, thin sliced kale, as much or as little as you like.
1/2 can of pumpkin
coconut cream from the top on one can coconut milk
lime
curry powder
salt
pepper
thyme shredded chicken


Cook the onion and carrot (and any other hard veggie you are adding) in some coconut oil until it is about translucent. About 7 minutes, add spices, taste- add more curry :)

IF I wasn't on the Whole 30, I would add about a cup of white wine and cook it out- but on W30, I sprinkle with coconut amino and a bit of vinegar, 1/2 cup water and put the lid on- it takes less than 10 minutes to absorb the water.

After that add the tom, I crush with my hands, then the pumpkin, stock and remaining veg. Replace the lid off set, so it doesn't boil over- cook on med for anywhere from 10-30 minutes. Depends on how much time you have.

Toss in the sliced kale, shredded chicken and coconut cream and you are good to go.


* When you buy/cook a whole chicken, after you picked the meat off, throw it in the crock pot, cover it with water add some veg and let it slow cook itself into a beautiful broth. Sometimes I will throw a carcass in the freezer (sounds morbid) and save it for when I have time. Sometimes if I am home I cook it on the stove for 4-5 hours, because the smell is amazing. Anyway, if you do this, freeze it. Buy those restaurant containers, the big tall, round ones and stock up on stock. I drink it by itself, heated up in a mug- it's a meal replacement and always, always better than the shit in the store. I promise it is really easy too.

Time to wake up.

Do you hear that?
Yeah, me either- but that is the sound of life happening and I am about done ignoring it.
Maybe not just yet, but soon... soon I will be done licking my wounds, and I too will join you all in the world.

I gave myself a lot of slack. I think women don't usually do that. But I did. What can I say? I'm a trail blazer, or better yet, I am really in tune with myself. That's something we get from growing up. If you're lucky.

I'm dusting off my heart and opening my mind to my new normal. Sometimes I am still back there, in the place that I wanted so very much to be in. Traveling, being with family, seeing the world. I wanted to be in that space as my kids were growing, teaching them the art of togetherness and how to make change at truck stops. The little things.

I think having kids in the big city makes you either want to never leave because well... how can you afford to? Or it makes you want to get out while you can. I did the latter. Sometimes I regret- yeah, I know everyone says "no regrets" blah blah blah, but fuck that. I have a lot of regrets. I regret the first... ehh, I'll save all of that for another day. Anyway, yeah, I have regrets and sometimes when my mind goes back to the very moment I had the idea, the moment I bought the Airstream- I think like if I had to do it over again, would I?

I guess that is the good thing about no take backs. You get to live in your choices and learn and pfffffrrrrtttt. Whatever.

Anyway, so what's next? Million dollar question.

Potty Learning

This is an article I wrote and they passed on it. I thought I would share it for all the parents of toddlers. 

Before you have kids, potty training is something you never think about. Once you have a toddler, potty training is something you can’t stop thinking about.  With the aisles of gadgets and rows of thickly bound books, you would assume for every child, the solution would be simple. Well, it’s not and I wonder if  we have it all wrong. Maybe what we need to stop doing is trying to “train” our kids and just start teaching them.

After three kids and many youthful babysitting jobs, I should be an expert but if I have learned anything about kids, it’s that they are all different.  With some finding a new chair the ticket to diaper freedom and others turning their noses up to the idea. Even when they come from the same womb and grow up in the same home, each of our little humans seem to rewrite the ways of how to potty. 

The most popular form of potty training to date is reward. When a parent sees a glimmer of interest, the jar of brightly colored, sugar bombs get set up (out of reach, of course) to entice the littles. I have found that sugar free Jelly Beans are quite popular, but what happens when said baby doesn’t want to sit, for a sweet? 

Next up, comes the stacks and stacks of books about “going”, placed lovingly next to the shiny new, designer potty. You know the one that sings when you flush and lights up when you go. What if your baby says, “no”? Do you double down and add the sweets, to the books and the new potty?

If you haven’t been a part of the Infant Potty Training, like Laurie Boucke’s primeval methods, this potty training thing may turn into a “problem training”. It is certainly a nice thought to teach our wee ones, to wee as mere babies but starring down the unrolled TP running the length of the hall, I can assure you that nothing works for everyone. Finding what works for your little squirt might just take a little research, a dash of patience and a LOT of hand washing.

Potty learning is a lot like teaching a child to swim or ride a bike.  You can toss them in with water wings, you can run along side them with training wheels but at the end of the day (or summer) it is absolutely up to that individual child to decide to let it fly.

If you have a boy, I highly recommend “Potty Training Boys The Easy Way” written by Caroline Fertleman and Simone Cave. It is THE book that brings a fresh, simple perspective, on a sometimes dull and always messy job. Girls, they say, are “easier” to teach but I find that some of the same rules apply and I also believe that it is not a girl/boy thing.  Teaching your child to pee in the tub is genius… gross, but genius and when push comes to shove,we absolutely will try it all but now you don’t have to.

The Sesame Street potty is a great starter toilet for your Elmo lover but maybe not the best for boys, as there is little to no splash guard. For the girly girls, or princess loving boys The First Years Disney Potty System has a simple yet sweet design that will bring a smile to your little ones face. With it’s no nonsense potty ability and a detachable seat that fits most standard size toilets, your toddler is sure to love their very own throne. Your child, boy or girl, may find the sparkly, singsongy toilet just the ticket.  For a more basic toilet, with everything they need but a cup of coffee, the Summer Infant Step By Step potty is sure to please. It would also be a great addition for Grandma and Grandpa’s house or maybe a backyard or camping companion.

Although there are other kinds of kids… (ahem, my third) that find the portable cans more useful as a place to store toys or something to climb on, rather than have a place to go. I find that keeping him naked is the most helpful. Now past the point of  leaving puddles on the hardwood, he will show more immediate signals when he feels the urge. With the smaller potty’s not tickling his fancy and no amount of character driven themed toilet peaking his interest, I have started him on the simple design of the Bemis seat attachment. Something about it not being child like is what I imagine makes it interesting. 

I am not a Doctor and have no formal Number 1 or Number 2 training but my gut says, it’s the same with the potty. There are tricks, strategies and rewards a plenty but until your little guy or gal decides to take the proverbial plunge, we have to encourage, be patient and wait for them to wake up dry.

Don't forget me.

Hey guys. I wanted to tell you, that I am writing at Spaghetti Family and you should come over and check it out. I would still love to have both going and maybe I will eventually but damn, if I don't need to get my writing groove back.
Anyway, come see what's new. It's not all good news.
XO

15 years.

Wow.

15 years ago I woke up early and jumped into a cab with this guy I barely knew. Up until that morning we lived together for less than a month in a house with his band. I had toured with him for a few weeks before that where I visited Nashville for the first time, hung out on Bourbon Street, ran wild in the clubs in LA and ate late night food trucks in San Francisco.

I had only flown a handful of times in my life and 2 of them were to see him. So that morning at the airport my nerves and excitement were dancing with each other on top of "are we being too crazy?". We actually asked each other that a few times. Like, we were adults (pretty much) and we felt the same sober as when we were fall down drunks. But like, were we crazy? Neither one of us could defend or deny this new adventure. We just didn't know anything about the thing we were planning on doing but we knew that the thought was the best high we had ever had.

The thought of what we were planning was everything. The excitement I felt knowing that I was going to continue to step out of my comfort zone with this guy, that he was experiencing something new as well- that was palpable. Since the second I met him I felt amazingly uncomfortable. He made me second guess and jump at the same time. I never knew that before him.

We had a pretty big secret heading to Vegas that day. I guess we both knew that it could have been a mistake but the best part about us is that we aren't afraid to fuck up. Something about doing it with him made me realize he was just as crazy as I was and instead of freaking me out, it made me feel calm. As calm as I could feel with the biggest secret of our lives hiding behind our smiling lips.

When we landed we separated from our friends for a reason. To get to the hotel and squeal! It was like holding our breaths. Not being able to tell anyone was torture. I have a big mouth- Eddie's is gigantic.

We hopped into a cab and off we went to the hotel. Or so we thought.
Our cabby, whom I could pick out of a lineup, started asking about our plans. Why were there, etc and we told him. He was the first person to know other than the two of us that we were going to get married. I know he was not surprised, he probably called it before we buckled up but to us, it was so fun to tell him.

As we drove away from the baggage claim we told him that we had a reservation for a chapel after the Waylon Jennings show we were going to see that night. He offered to take us to get our license before going to the hotel. As we pulled up to the building he said he knew someone at Silver Bells chapel and that he could make a call and get us in there after we grab our license, if we wanted to.
When we were inside, standing in line, we just looked at each other and were like "Yay!". There was no question we weren't going to take this weird, crazy opportunity to get married at a place suggested by our Vegas cab driver. This was SO us.

We came out, got in, drove off and in less than 25 minutes we were changed (back to back in a closet- we had to have some tradtional stuff in the wedding) and married. We picked the least expensive package that came with a flower, I had no interest in wasting money on a chance, we'd much rather put it on black. It's all about luck for us. I was bummed it was a rose, as I prefer daisies but it was awesome. We were married. We were FUCKING MARRIED!

And we still are.

Happy 15 years you old bastard. I don't know how we got so lucky but I thank you for still making me jump when I'm scared and for continuing down the path less traveled. For never telling me my ideas are (too) crazy and for always, always, always being exactly who you were meant to be, 'cause that is the guy I want. The one I can drink under the table, scream at over the phone and day dream about- still, 15 years in. I sure hope I make it to Reno tonight.

There is a reason why you left.

Going back home has always been a weird, double edged sword for me.
I make the plans, the excitement builds, or the anxiety that masks itself as excitement builds- and then I am here. The family and the familiarity is immeasurable. Anyone who has a good, solid family or even portions of one knows that you would never trade it.

But there is a reason why you left.

I feel out of place. I feel judged and when I act like myself, which is pretty much all the time (like it or not) I tend to feel that I am perceived in a way that I don't feel other places. It's hard to put my finger on it really, but at the end of the day, I feel exhausted maybe even slightly defeated and I work too fucking hard on my life to feel defeated.

I am often left feeling like I am not allowed to feel this way too and that is when I know the time has come for me to move along. And that is alright with me.

I wonder if my kids will feel this way about Seattle? I can't imagine that but maybe it's possible. If so, I hope that I can get them to stop by and say "hi" to their Mama and then shove off and return to or continue to find the place that makes them feel alive and well because that is what parents want for their kids.