Post break up blues?

Man, I am feeling so "eh" today.

I may be coming down with something. I feel tired in a "I want to be in bed all day" and usually I am a sleep in, get moving kinda girl, but today I'm feeling gloomy almost.

I told Eddie I was feeling weird and he just kinda blew me off. That's the thing about Eddie. He is the sweetest guy and would do anything for me, as long as I am not feeling sick. He doesn't handle it well, like I think he just gets buried in the "things I will have to do to take her place for now" thought and he loses sympathy for me, he just wants me to feel better... now.

But I don't. I haven't gotten much sleep lately, that could be it. I usually go about two weeks before it catches up with me. I am an insomniac and I always have been, you'd think I'd figure something out.

Anyway, I am going to take a nap now, maybe I will feel better when I get up.

Reading sucks.

I had an epiphany tonight.

As Eddie puts Q to bed, I think about turning in and going upstairs to get all cozy in our bed and read some more of my favorite book, "Home Game". That's when I realize I finished it this morning. Ugh! It totally sucks. I was really into it, I loved getting into bed at night and reading a little and then waking up and reading it some more. Man, I'm bummin' out.

Eddie said "finishing a good book is like losing a good friend" and I stop and think

A. he is so gawd damn right

B. this is why I love this guy, he's brilliant.

In the beginning.

I had left my ex boyfriends house so excited about the show, I called Heidi up and said "we are going to see the Supersuckers tonight!". And that was that, we were going. I don't even remember her asking any questions, we were good like that.

I had stopped at his house (my old place) to get some stuff out of the basement. I am guessing when we broke up I left in a hurry. It's all a little foggy but I do remember a night (no doubt one of the last in that place) where he was grabbing handfuls of my clothes and throwing them on the front lawn (classic!) and my best friend was sainted that night, as she would follow behind him, pick the shit up and bring it back in the bedroom. This went on forever it seemed, I was distraught, unstable and most likely scratching my arms from wrist to elbow. Hey, it was the 90's, I was constantly intoxicated, medicated and depressed. Anyway, my ex was there, he was always weird around me since the split. I think he tried to act like he didn't care about me, hoping things would change, but I was a real hot mess. I don't think "unstable" begins to describe where I was, mentally, so he was smart to distance himself.

He watched in silence as I removed the boxes. At this point I was enjoying being on my own, I wanted nothing to do with him or any other guy. I needed to find out who I was, stop drinking so much and lay off the cocaine. As I was leaving I told him thanks for letting me get my shit, and then he said "are you going to the show tonight?" I wasn't aware of any show, truth be told, I was winding down from the scene, I had spent many a drunken night at some club smoking myself to death and drinking 5 o'clock vodka by the fifth...

he says "the Supersuckers are playing" and that moment felt like a little bit of fate had stepped in, if I hadn't gone there that day, everything would be different.

It was always kind of "our" band. When I met him in AZ he wore this classic cracked logo Tshirt of theirs. I was unaware of the band when we met, but when he played one of their records for me I was hooked. It was the best thing I ever heard, it was instantly my favorite band. We were all heavy into crusty punk and for some reason it never really spoke to me. I liked it because it was who I rebelled with, when I became aware of the scene I went there, 100%. I wanted to belong to something my Mother didn't understand and more importantly- hated.

Okay back to my night, September 9, 1999.

Subaru.

Why is the Subaru the "Seattle car"? It's weird.

At every turn I see a Subaru, usually with a bunch of stickers on the inside of the back seat window... no judgement, (heh heh heh) but it's odd I think.

Speaking of odd, um "Toddlers and Tiaras" anyone? This show is fucking cccccccccrazy! I just saw a Mom put mascara on her boy? I mean, either way, boy or girl, these kids shouldn't be wearing mascara, they all look like little strippers and pimps. It makes me uncomfortable but I can't stop watching! I'm like on my second glass on wine and I don't have to work tomorrow and it looks like it might be a god damn marathon people! Eddie and Q are in the kitchen doing a Wimpy Kid puzzle, Elvis is fast a sleep and Mama is going to get comfy and watch this train wreck.

Back-ups, baby.

I got to the studio one day last week and Eddie asked if I would do some back up vocals. I am was a little like "... um, no." but then I remembered I really do like to sing. Even though I KNOW I'M NOT A SINGER. So when you hear it, which you will- you should, you really should buy it when it comes out (don't worry I will let you know when it's coming) don't beat me up. I am sure Eddie's "fans" will they LOVE to talk crap, it's cool though.

Anyway... I like to sing. I do it in the car (never in the shower, does anyone?) all the time and at home in the kitchen, while I am cooking, I totally belt the songs out, but not with any confidence and not when anyone is here, except Q, I sing for him, it makes him laugh.

Well I did it, I sang back up on two or three songs and I've definitely improved since "Bubble Gum & Beer" my backups stank on that one but I have forgiven myself. I really liked being there to help "produce" Q's song too. Dave and Eddie were laughing at me because I kept having Q sing the end of this song over because I knew he could go bigger and in the end (5 takes) he nailed it, he totally nailed it.

Right now I am battling with myself. I didn't sleep at all last night and at like 7 I was wide awake and had to work at 9- the baby is way into nursing still, even more so the last few days, she skipped her lunch and dinner and nursed me to death, I feel like I could go eat a second dinner... maybe another ice cream sandwich? Eddie makes the best ones.

I really want to take something to make me sleep but I have to work tomorrow and I don't feel like feeling all groggy... wine? Okay.

Stu-tu-tu-tudioo!

What a rush! Quattro recorded his song "When Do I Go?" at Litho today and it was amazing!!

He performed it during his talent show and Eddie decided to have him record it for his record. It's so cool!! I can't wait for this record to come out. I even did some back-ups which is always as fun as you think.

I'm bored.

I feel like I need to do something. There needs to be a change, I am getting random extreme thoughts of putting everything in storage and renting a house far, far away.

It's hard to believe that I have a 10 month old and I am already like "what's next?". I didn't feel that way after Q for a long time, but this time is different. She is great, obviously, she is everything a baby should be she fits well into our world but I need something more. I would love to figure it out without jumping ship, throwing everything into one of those "PODS" but I am not against it.

I am hoping that next year brings more travel, I think that is what it is. I have been home for the better part of the last year and that is the first time in almost 11 years. I am no good here day after day, I feel a little ADD, like I keep thinking of things to do, places, projects, AHHHH.

But I am happy, these feelings are not met with desperation, more just curiosity of what's next.