"Romance reinvents itself after kids."

That's what I heard once. 

I guess I believe it. I had no reason to think that the crazy, stupid, love I had at the beginning of my marriage would last through kids or time or anything. Like a lot of couples, it was intense, in some ways it still is. 

My husband is not a romantic. He wishes he was but he's not and that is okay. I was always attracted to heavy romance, I am chocolate and flowers, seems as though I don't attract that though. I'm not sure I ever had a romantic boyfriend- I can't really remember any of them. I have been married for 100 years and thankfully- happily so.

When I got married, I figured I would end up divorced. I actually thought it was another wild thing I was doing. I was good with wild, I did wild. Divorce didn't scare me. I didn't want to be headed for failure, I just assumed I was on a wild ride and at some point it would end. He was a rock guy in a band. I was a dancer. It was way too cliche.

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to marry him, I just thought it may end up not working out. Like so many of them, like so many people told me. I didn't hope for failure but I am the kind of person that isn't surprised by failure. Like wild, I did failure too. 

12 years later and closing in on 3 kids, I realize that this marriage may just last forever. We are both shocked and amazed by that. We both feel lucky to have made it past the "hump" if you haven't gotten to yours- brace yourselves. There is a hump and it's a fucking doozy. Ours came at 7 years. So lame but we are just regular people, we are not immune to hard times. 

We made it though and maybe, just maybe that was our way of reinventing romance. 

Being broke, motivates.

When I was young, like 18-20, when I had no money, I was depressed. I would not find energy or drive. I would find $4 and buy vodka. It's weird how time changes you. Every year after the holidays, we go into a spending freeze and it is good for me. It lets me gather my thoughts, think of new projects and to just step away from the stores. All of them. Even the craft stores and the market. I just stop, make it work with what we've got. It's nice.

My Grandfather is dying.

I usually am not one to blog about serious stuff. I mean, the birth of my daughter (with an insanely graphic, amazing, beautiful picture included) sure, but some things are just best not to share. There are  a lot of things I choose not to share and that is why I go weeks without writing. Sometimes life is just fucked. It's too deep.

Now is that time but I am choosing to let myself off the hook. 

Death is something I have not had to deal with much. I have not been spared this incredibly desperate tragedy but it is not something that has plagued my life. I'm lucky, I think. 

Right now though... I am feeling every bit the pain and agony that surrounds this part of everyone's life. No matter how much or how little we have to deal with death, I am firm believer that it sucks all the same.

So he's dying and I can't do anything about it. He is old, but not old enough. He will be leaving behind my Grandmother and I worry about her. Where will she go? Who will she love? And- can she die of a broken heart?

I will. I will absolutely lose a huge part of myself when he dies. I will never recover, I will never ever be the same. He was the father I never had and the Grandfather everyone wanted. He spent quality time with my son, who absolutely thinks of him as a Grandfather- not a Great Grandfather. He showed him how to work on cars and told him stories. He played butterflies with my daughter, she read him stories. He held her when she was a baby and was proud I named her after his beautiful wife of over 60 years. I am so glad I had children early in life. In a lot of ways I believe my life played out like it did so I could share him with them, they are better people because of it. My husband never met his Grandparents, mine were happy to take him in. The fact that my children got to spend even part of their youth knowing and loving the two of them- I will always feel proud of that. 

He was there for everything, he has seen and done so much. The world and every part of my being will never be the same. Holidays will have a physical hole in them. December 22 (his birthday) will be sad for an eternity.

I am sure we will all be able to stomach the loss at some part of our lives. I guess that is part of the process but I'm skeptical at best. I can't prepare. I have no idea when the call will come and truthfully I could get that call about anyone in my life but it is Ole that I have a heavy heart for every night, every afternoon and every morning. 

What to expect?

Today I found my very old copy of the great "What To Expect When You're Expecting".

It was kinda funny that I still had it. I throw out everything but I guess I learned- not everything.

After we had Quattro, I was pretty sure we wouldn't have any more. I was trying to want to have another one right after, you know, the 2-3 year age gap but I just couldn't. I was traveling all around and when at home, I was a single mom, so it just didn't seem like something I could do. And to be honest, I couldn't have. 

I am the person who got married and decided to have a baby to change the course of my life. I wanted a baby but not until I met my husband. I had friends with kids but it never seemed like something I would be good at, or want to get good at. After I met and married Eddie, we were both just there. We just appeared at that moment together. He may or may have not always wanted to have kids, I don't know. I met and wed him in under 100 days, I have no idea who he was before then- nor did I care. Still don't.

Anyway, we just did it. We talked about it one day and then 3 months later is was so. It came at the right time, we were party animals. We were rockers I guess. Yes, he is in a band and yes I was traveling with him, so yes, we were getting into a lot of trouble. I told him we should write a book about it. The night we got thrown out of the Showbox or the night (okay, it was morning) we woke up laying in the median on Las Vegas Blvd. that was, by the way, our first morning as a married couple.

I'm not sure what this all has to do with "What to expect" I guess it's me saying you really can't expect anything. Or you should just expect everything and then you are prepared for it all.

I'm getting there. I am preparing right now. Blogging, eating chocolate while my two children are sleeping and my husband is at our friends watching the Rose Bowl, preparing to enjoy a football game which he never really watches at home because he is a hands on Dad when he's here. I'm preparing for my third and maybe final child. Maybe. I am preparing to have a very fat ass, where to put the bassinet and what to do with my tits that are suddenly spilling out of my bra. I'm currently not wearing a bra and I like it.

Good bye 2011.

I have had a fantastic couple weeks. I feel as though we are saying good bye to 2011 the right way. We are together, at home and just enjoying our lives. It isn't always easy to do that, especially this time of year. Everyone is running around, spending too much money and just stressing out.

Not us, not this year.

I am so thankful for that, I am thankful for the people I know, my friends and family.

Today Eddie and I are heading out of town, driving to Portland for his NYE show. I am leaving the baby for the first time- I am a little anxious about it but I am excited too. It is good for both of us. All of us really, I am a firm believer of taking time for your spouse, I mean without that relationship, I would have nothing. I try to always remember that. If I wasn't insanely in love with my husband, I would not be a good mother. He is a very important part of my tone on life.

So we are excited, he just came up here and said "that doesn't look like packing"- I am suppose to be getting ready to go. We are trying to leave in an hour and a half. So I should do that, although squeezing this ever growing bump in a tight dress is getting harder and harder but I bought one special for tonight- if it doesn't fit, I am going to go naked.

Happy New Year everyone. Be good. Be safe. Time to pack.

.67 cents Pt 2

Our school raised something like $1070 for this incredibly amazing cause.

I donated $20 after my son informed me that it would feed about 29 families.

I could spend $20 on 4 coffees from Starbucks or feed 29 families.

Probably the best $20 I have ever spent. Seriously.

What a difference a decade makes.

A friend of mine was asking if I felt bad that my sons childhood was so different from my daughters. At first I was a little confused, was it different?

They explained how when my son was young, we spent most of our time on tour. Traveling the globe, sitting on planes, buses or the good ol' econoline. My son sat on the stage for Farm Aid more than once, he rode a scooter across the stage while Pearl Jam was sound checking...

I was brought back to that time, with fondness, I mean- it was radical! But it is all still there. That is still in our life, although we don't consume ourselves with it. Being older maybe the factor. I know that I want more out of my life than my husbands dreams- I mean, he too wants more out of his life of music, that is why he now has a family. But the thing for me is, I guess I am more comfortable with where my life is headed. I am a homemaker, I do this. I am here and there. I can pack a lunch or a bag for Paris. I will, I do, I have.

What got me about this conversation was the fact that the feeling of "jipping" my daughter was out there. Like her childhood would not be as what? rock n' roll? Maybe not. To me that is not a bad thing. But I don't think so really. Less so, but not non existent. 

What I do appreciate about this point in my life, other than the slower speed, the less travel (although 6 weeks in Europe doesn't exactly make me feel like we travel less... maybe less often and for longer?...) are the things I don't miss.

See with my son, we were all over the place. We were running around, moving, touring like crazy- it was what was fun then but I do feel I missed some things. Maybe while I was packing up the cab, I missed my sons first- oh whatever. I don't know, but it could have happened. 

Anyway, to get to the point... what I thought of- the past raising of child vs the now. When we were in Mexico last summer, we walked out of the resort we were at to go out to the beach and it was a corridor type thing and when we turned the corner the wind hit us all, it was warm and fantastic and I looked at my daughter and I got to see her face. Her eyes and mouth wide open- I got to see her discover wind. 

I'll trade rock n' roll for that any day but you know what? I don't think I have to.