Potty Learning

This is an article I wrote and they passed on it. I thought I would share it for all the parents of toddlers. 

Before you have kids, potty training is something you never think about. Once you have a toddler, potty training is something you can’t stop thinking about.  With the aisles of gadgets and rows of thickly bound books, you would assume for every child, the solution would be simple. Well, it’s not and I wonder if  we have it all wrong. Maybe what we need to stop doing is trying to “train” our kids and just start teaching them.

After three kids and many youthful babysitting jobs, I should be an expert but if I have learned anything about kids, it’s that they are all different.  With some finding a new chair the ticket to diaper freedom and others turning their noses up to the idea. Even when they come from the same womb and grow up in the same home, each of our little humans seem to rewrite the ways of how to potty. 

The most popular form of potty training to date is reward. When a parent sees a glimmer of interest, the jar of brightly colored, sugar bombs get set up (out of reach, of course) to entice the littles. I have found that sugar free Jelly Beans are quite popular, but what happens when said baby doesn’t want to sit, for a sweet? 

Next up, comes the stacks and stacks of books about “going”, placed lovingly next to the shiny new, designer potty. You know the one that sings when you flush and lights up when you go. What if your baby says, “no”? Do you double down and add the sweets, to the books and the new potty?

If you haven’t been a part of the Infant Potty Training, like Laurie Boucke’s primeval methods, this potty training thing may turn into a “problem training”. It is certainly a nice thought to teach our wee ones, to wee as mere babies but starring down the unrolled TP running the length of the hall, I can assure you that nothing works for everyone. Finding what works for your little squirt might just take a little research, a dash of patience and a LOT of hand washing.

Potty learning is a lot like teaching a child to swim or ride a bike.  You can toss them in with water wings, you can run along side them with training wheels but at the end of the day (or summer) it is absolutely up to that individual child to decide to let it fly.

If you have a boy, I highly recommend “Potty Training Boys The Easy Way” written by Caroline Fertleman and Simone Cave. It is THE book that brings a fresh, simple perspective, on a sometimes dull and always messy job. Girls, they say, are “easier” to teach but I find that some of the same rules apply and I also believe that it is not a girl/boy thing.  Teaching your child to pee in the tub is genius… gross, but genius and when push comes to shove,we absolutely will try it all but now you don’t have to.

The Sesame Street potty is a great starter toilet for your Elmo lover but maybe not the best for boys, as there is little to no splash guard. For the girly girls, or princess loving boys The First Years Disney Potty System has a simple yet sweet design that will bring a smile to your little ones face. With it’s no nonsense potty ability and a detachable seat that fits most standard size toilets, your toddler is sure to love their very own throne. Your child, boy or girl, may find the sparkly, singsongy toilet just the ticket.  For a more basic toilet, with everything they need but a cup of coffee, the Summer Infant Step By Step potty is sure to please. It would also be a great addition for Grandma and Grandpa’s house or maybe a backyard or camping companion.

Although there are other kinds of kids… (ahem, my third) that find the portable cans more useful as a place to store toys or something to climb on, rather than have a place to go. I find that keeping him naked is the most helpful. Now past the point of  leaving puddles on the hardwood, he will show more immediate signals when he feels the urge. With the smaller potty’s not tickling his fancy and no amount of character driven themed toilet peaking his interest, I have started him on the simple design of the Bemis seat attachment. Something about it not being child like is what I imagine makes it interesting. 

I am not a Doctor and have no formal Number 1 or Number 2 training but my gut says, it’s the same with the potty. There are tricks, strategies and rewards a plenty but until your little guy or gal decides to take the proverbial plunge, we have to encourage, be patient and wait for them to wake up dry.

Don't forget me.

Hey guys. I wanted to tell you, that I am writing at Spaghetti Family and you should come over and check it out. I would still love to have both going and maybe I will eventually but damn, if I don't need to get my writing groove back.
Anyway, come see what's new. It's not all good news.
XO

15 years.

Wow.

15 years ago I woke up early and jumped into a cab with this guy I barely knew. Up until that morning we lived together for less than a month in a house with his band. I had toured with him for a few weeks before that where I visited Nashville for the first time, hung out on Bourbon Street, ran wild in the clubs in LA and ate late night food trucks in San Francisco.

I had only flown a handful of times in my life and 2 of them were to see him. So that morning at the airport my nerves and excitement were dancing with each other on top of "are we being too crazy?". We actually asked each other that a few times. Like, we were adults (pretty much) and we felt the same sober as when we were fall down drunks. But like, were we crazy? Neither one of us could defend or deny this new adventure. We just didn't know anything about the thing we were planning on doing but we knew that the thought was the best high we had ever had.

The thought of what we were planning was everything. The excitement I felt knowing that I was going to continue to step out of my comfort zone with this guy, that he was experiencing something new as well- that was palpable. Since the second I met him I felt amazingly uncomfortable. He made me second guess and jump at the same time. I never knew that before him.

We had a pretty big secret heading to Vegas that day. I guess we both knew that it could have been a mistake but the best part about us is that we aren't afraid to fuck up. Something about doing it with him made me realize he was just as crazy as I was and instead of freaking me out, it made me feel calm. As calm as I could feel with the biggest secret of our lives hiding behind our smiling lips.

When we landed we separated from our friends for a reason. To get to the hotel and squeal! It was like holding our breaths. Not being able to tell anyone was torture. I have a big mouth- Eddie's is gigantic.

We hopped into a cab and off we went to the hotel. Or so we thought.
Our cabby, whom I could pick out of a lineup, started asking about our plans. Why were there, etc and we told him. He was the first person to know other than the two of us that we were going to get married. I know he was not surprised, he probably called it before we buckled up but to us, it was so fun to tell him.

As we drove away from the baggage claim we told him that we had a reservation for a chapel after the Waylon Jennings show we were going to see that night. He offered to take us to get our license before going to the hotel. As we pulled up to the building he said he knew someone at Silver Bells chapel and that he could make a call and get us in there after we grab our license, if we wanted to.
When we were inside, standing in line, we just looked at each other and were like "Yay!". There was no question we weren't going to take this weird, crazy opportunity to get married at a place suggested by our Vegas cab driver. This was SO us.

We came out, got in, drove off and in less than 25 minutes we were changed (back to back in a closet- we had to have some tradtional stuff in the wedding) and married. We picked the least expensive package that came with a flower, I had no interest in wasting money on a chance, we'd much rather put it on black. It's all about luck for us. I was bummed it was a rose, as I prefer daisies but it was awesome. We were married. We were FUCKING MARRIED!

And we still are.

Happy 15 years you old bastard. I don't know how we got so lucky but I thank you for still making me jump when I'm scared and for continuing down the path less traveled. For never telling me my ideas are (too) crazy and for always, always, always being exactly who you were meant to be, 'cause that is the guy I want. The one I can drink under the table, scream at over the phone and day dream about- still, 15 years in. I sure hope I make it to Reno tonight.

There is a reason why you left.

Going back home has always been a weird, double edged sword for me.
I make the plans, the excitement builds, or the anxiety that masks itself as excitement builds- and then I am here. The family and the familiarity is immeasurable. Anyone who has a good, solid family or even portions of one knows that you would never trade it.

But there is a reason why you left.

I feel out of place. I feel judged and when I act like myself, which is pretty much all the time (like it or not) I tend to feel that I am perceived in a way that I don't feel other places. It's hard to put my finger on it really, but at the end of the day, I feel exhausted maybe even slightly defeated and I work too fucking hard on my life to feel defeated.

I am often left feeling like I am not allowed to feel this way too and that is when I know the time has come for me to move along. And that is alright with me.

I wonder if my kids will feel this way about Seattle? I can't imagine that but maybe it's possible. If so, I hope that I can get them to stop by and say "hi" to their Mama and then shove off and return to or continue to find the place that makes them feel alive and well because that is what parents want for their kids.

Sick.

Why do we get sick?
Why is it that when you really need to be at your best, you get knocked down?
My entire house passed the germ baton this past week and I am still sniffling my way through the day.

Sucks.

Anyone have any good kick your cold in the ass remedy? Besides drinking 2 gallons of OJ?

The hardest part.

If you are new to town, you should go back a few posts and see what's up.
I am in the middle of a reinvent. It's good stuff.

We have been going through the roller coaster of emotions with this move. Maybe all moves are but this one feels epic. This one is the first one in 10 and a half years, so maybe I have enough time in between to forget. Maybe it's designed like childbirth- instant amnesia?

One minute I am feeling invigorated, the next depleted and then almost instantly- elated.
It's weird thing, letting yourself go through them all and knowing you can't get stuck on any one emotion because you will fucking die. Ha! It seems you might because it can be suffocating at times but mostly I am reminding myself that life is a full of ups and downs and the best thing to do is to hold on, look ahead and find the horizon. No matter the pile of shit at your feet (quite literally sometimes).

One thing my husband does better than me (please, no one tell him)- he is an optimist to the end.
He will hold no grudge, no ill will, he isn't bothered by todays disaster because tomorrow can bring you anything you want. Sometimes I tell him how crazy he is, how irresponsible it is to be so optimistic but he is right. I am cautious and sometimes not as free as I once was. I am a cool cat but I fear the worst, expect things to fall apart yet I take comfort in knowing how to turn nothing into something, if I have to.  We are made for each other really, that is something I realize day to day but the problem here is he isn't here to cheer us (me) on. He can't come to my rescue when I am overwhelmed and tell me to give it a rest. He isn't here to help, oh man- I wish I had his help.

So this is all for me. This is for me to sort through, literally and figuratively. I guess this is part of my story. This is a journey that I need to take alone for some reason and I am apparently up for the challenge. I know I can do it but oh. my. god. do I wish I had his help. I have moments when I am freed by packing things up and donating them to less fortunate. I find happiness even in taking our beautiful things and giving them away to people who really, really need them but then I get a sick feeling. What if it is all wrong? What if I am doing it wrong? What if it is all wrong?

I have doubts. They sneak in and I have to battle them alone. That is not what marriage is about but for now, I am left to do this alone and I guess the weight comes from what if it is a mistake? Then I am to blame, alone. That's the part that sucks. Being on a team yet knowing if we lose- it's on me.

Does that make me the quarterback? I am not into sports but I think that's the guy with the most heat.

We aren't only moving. We aren't just taking a trip, we are re-evaluating ourselves, our lives and our story. Everything. It would be simple to move and see if that "helps". We have done that before. After Quattro was born we traveled Europe for 2 months and when we came home we knew something had to be different. Coming back to our lives inside the four walls we called "home" suddenly wasn't interesting. Now I know that moving wasn't what we were looking for, but our move to So. Cal was a blast. We took the trip for which memories and songs were made, but pretty much as soon as we got there, we knew it wasn't what we were after.  Looking back, I realize what we were after was not living in a new zip code, it wasn't getting new friends or visiting old ones. It wasn't needing to be closer to family, although that was a perk- I think what we were after then is what we are after now but being more seasoned as parents and as adults, we can now allow ourselves to go after it. And I believe that "it" is travel, seeing, living, being ourselves. We are lucky to have jobs that don't make us  be in one place. I remember we would discuss that very fact and our eyes would sparkle in awe. We can do this anywhere.

So why haven't we?

When I met Eddie he was traveling a lot but not like he does now. It was fun and exciting and the downtime we had was usually riddled with hangovers and late movie dates across the street from our Wallingford home. We had no responsibilities and we enjoyed it but when we became parents everything and nothing changed. It has taken us 13 years to figure that out.

I don't miss the days of no responsibility. I truly enjoy watching myself learn with these people we have created. I like looking at who they are, who they are becoming and I think this move has a lot to do with them. I don't wish for them to spend 30+ years in fear of anything.

What if?

Someone once wrote "if you stay in the same place long enough, you never go anywhere" and I think I like this a lot. We are exactly the same people we have always been but what we have stopped doing has made us long for something we could never put our finger on. We need to travel, to see the world and living in the four walls of our home (5th since Wallingford days) still isn't doing the trick.

So that's a pretty heavy revaluation. For me anyway. To know that what you were looking for 13 years ago is what you are still looking for today.

Wow.

Like our hairstyles, what we have wanted and needed has changed through those years but the fundamentals are the same. I guess they probably are for everyone and that is helpful to know but we should never forget that time is the only thing we can never, ever get back. So the time is now-

Treading water.

I am reading every bit of information I can find about downsizing.
How to? (nobody tells you anything helpful), why? everyone has their own reasons, and what next? That's the big question.

For us, well- for me, I feel a bit like I am treading water. Like over the last few years we aren't saving any money, we aren't traveling, we aren't living a full life. We aren't together. That's my "why?".
The how and the what next is what I am living right now. And it is like being at the top of a roller coaster.

I remember the first time I ever went to a real amusement park. Cedar Point, with an old friend and we waited in line for this insane looking roller coaster which was, at the time, the tallest and fastest one in the world. I wanted to wait in the longest line to sit in the front row, my friend told me it was intense and any row would do- I just didn't see it like that. I figured if I am going to wait to ride, I am going to get the best seat in the house and recently I have realized that is my personality in a nutshell.  Like it or not, I am not going to waste anytime on something that isn't the best I can get. Maybe that is why when I turn around and look at where I have been it makes me really proud.

I guess the last couple of years have been ones that I felt missed the mark a little. I did feel I was sacrificing and that is also my "why?". I am proud that I have held down to fort with three kids and my husband has been out there chasing  his dream but I realize that this isn't what I want to be doing. I don't want to live the life of a single Mother, although I had a really good one raise me, I am not interested in seeing how tough I am in this arena. It sucks. It's hard and I feel my dreams are so tangible right now. I can feel that thing that they talk about in counseling sessions in high school. I am 20 years past high school and I am finally getting it. That is another thing about me- I'm slow at the giddie up.