I'm bored.

I feel like I need to do something. There needs to be a change, I am getting random extreme thoughts of putting everything in storage and renting a house far, far away.

It's hard to believe that I have a 10 month old and I am already like "what's next?". I didn't feel that way after Q for a long time, but this time is different. She is great, obviously, she is everything a baby should be she fits well into our world but I need something more. I would love to figure it out without jumping ship, throwing everything into one of those "PODS" but I am not against it.

I am hoping that next year brings more travel, I think that is what it is. I have been home for the better part of the last year and that is the first time in almost 11 years. I am no good here day after day, I feel a little ADD, like I keep thinking of things to do, places, projects, AHHHH.

But I am happy, these feelings are not met with desperation, more just curiosity of what's next.

I'm in charge.

So Eddie goes back to work this week. I am a little nervous. I have gotten so used to him being around, I mean, since practically Elvis was born he has been around. It's nice to have him, I never have to do dishes, I don't have to clean the cat box, you know all the things that we all hate to do, he doesn't... if he does he does it all with a smile. Besides my life just being a little easier, I have really liked having him around all the time. I can barely imagine him going on tour... that will be tough. It's weird, our whole lives together (almost 11 years!) he has toured relentlessly and now I can't imagine it. But the baby, she loves him and Q he really enjoys waking up every day and seeing his face, I just know it is going to be something that we all have to relearn, I'm not excited about it.

Happy birthday to me.

So 34 years in and I am learning some things about myself. Hey, maybe I always knew them but now I actually like these things about me. Not that I was ever one of those self deprecating individuals, this I am not, but ever since I can remember I have always been on the quasi quest of "who am I and why am I here?". For reals. I have.

I know that I am funny, this is something I remember always finding easy. I do make some jokes at your expense but only if I love you. If I don't like you, you are not worth crackin wise at, I'm just not into it. 

I'm a "right brain" so I am messy. I have too many ideas and things I want to do and maybe I feel like I am always running out of time- time in a week, time in a day... maybe time in life? I don't know. I have a slight fear that I will die when I am not ready, this too I remember as a child. As soon as I figured out (because no, no one sat down and told me) that we all die, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I would be "next". Well, I wasn't but someday I will be and that, on occasion, scares the shit out of me.

I am willing to forgive for pretty much everything, except infidelity and crimes toward my kids. I am honest in knowing that we aren't perfect and I am okay with you anyway. Forgiveness can come in minutes or months but I will almost always make you beg for it.

Talk to me honey.

Over the last few days I have been thinking about conversations I have and the way that they go, the people they're with and I am seeing a trend. More and more I will be talking with someone and I will be in the middle of a story and I will get cut off and never be asked to pick back up where I was. You know, when your story spurs the other person and they chime in and have their little "side story" but then usually they will say "okay, sorry... continue" or you will just pick up where you left off when they are done.

Well lately it just happens that I will be talking and get interrupted and the other person won't even ask me to continue or worse yet, they won't even acknowledge that I was saying anything.

My old best friend (see post "She is leaving") used talk over and interrupt all the time but she would ALWAYS get back to my story, it was one of the things I really liked about her. She talked a LOT but not in that selfish way, she never didn't want to hear what you were saying. Hmmm, maybe I miss that ol' bitch... I do but I am ready to have a new BFF, I would really like to meet someone that is like where I'm at. Someone that has the sort of same thing going on in their lives, so we have something to talk about. Most of my friends are older, kids are grown (r they are too grown) and we are just in different worlds. I have a little baby and a 9 year old... maybe I need a gay husband. Like not another husband but his gay counterpart. That would be good.

Oh there I go getting sidetracked but at least I didn't cut you off!

I do wonder though, which is worse, getting interrupted and never finishing or calling your sister after not talking for a month and her not asking you one thing about your life?

Eyes up here.

I have never been very good at looking people in the eye when I'm talking to them. I know it's the thing to do but it seems too personal or something, uncomfortably intimate. I mean, with Eddie or the kids I'm okay but there's something about it that makes me feel weird.

I can't help but feel like I'll get locked into a stare and it will be too weird, maybe they'll be able to see into my soul. There's a strange feeling you get when you look at someone in the eyes. There is a moment you share with that person that I guess I am not too good at sharing.

Play dates a go-go

Today Quattro's best friend came over for a day of skateboarding, burger making and s'mores eating. I'd like to think that's the thing memories are made of. I want this summer to be special for him, I want to make sure he gets time to himself and that things are 9 year old fun and not always baby fun.

I'm working on the even scale thing. I don't need to be perfect, I just need to not fuck this up.

She is leaving...

er, I mean, she already left.

So my best friend of about 15 years up and moved about a month ago... maybe more, I am too busy to keep count.

We hadn't seen each other in about a month, she was elusive it seemed, I assumed she was dating someone new, she always kinda took off for a bit when a new guy came a long. It was just part of her, I eventually accepted that and anyway, all seemed pretty good between us. She bagged our plans maybe twice in that month, dinner at my place or a movie, which was usually me, I have two kids I can't always hold up my social plans, that is part of who I am.

One day I was walking around Home Depot and I sent her a text, I thought it had been long enough and we were back home from a trip, so I thought I would check in with her. After the obligatory "how's it going? I've been so busy" she asks if I had seen her facebook page, I hadn't and she said she was moving back "home".

I know we are grown ups, I know that she owes me nothing, I mean, I guess. I always thought we were best friends turns out, we weren't even really friends.

See we went to a bar one night (months prior) and evidently she made a joke about moving back to MI and I said "you'd move back there?" and that is when she decided that I would not be privy to know she was already knee deep in boxes. She is under the impression that I don't think MI is "cool" or something. I mean, what makes a place cool? I didn't realize I was so trivial. But small town people do that. Whenever I talk shit about where I am from, people there get all defensive, as if they created the damn place. I don't really care. I couldn't live in a lot of places, but I could also live in a lot of places... sorry, I am just getting side tracked, she really pissed me off.

So just like that. We exchanged a couple of emails, her feeling the victim and me sort of blind sided but the whole deal- I am happy she moved if that is where she wanted to be but I am so 

irritated about how she just sort of up and left. Who does that? 15 years, and that's it? Funny thing, that this kinda happened before, when I moved to Seattle, she sort of just fell off the side of the earth for a couple years, I was having a baby and she didn't give a shit, never even called me- years later we both put it all in the past and she moved to Seattle and I was a good friend. But it's not going to happen like that again. I had to explain to Q what happened to her and he was at a loss as well. He didn't understand it, kept saying "she just didn't say good bye?", I lied, I told him she told me to tell him "bye".

Bitch.