1:44 a.m.

and I am making birthday invitations for Elvis'.....fffffff....ffffffiiii...fffiiirrrr.... gasp. For Elvis' first birthday. Wow, that was hard. I am sad, I guess, that the year is over, I am sad that she is no longer a little blob but I love the fact that she's the age she is. She is fun. She is hysterical in fact but I am a little weepy.

So the invites... my eyes are crossing. Maybe I should retire for the night.

Come to me.

Don't you love it when something just comes to you? You are driving along and POW! an idea that just makes you smile.

It happened tonight. I was driving home from taking Eddie from the airport to Camp Mimi (to meet up with Q) and I was listening to his new record (in stores in about... 3 months) and I saw the cover of the album in my head. Not at all what we have been working on, shooting photos for- this is different, I can't wait!

Poof! just like that.

On a side note, I am spending another boyless night at home and ate 4 pieces of mushroom and jalapeno pizza... ugh.

Gawd damn neighbors!

So my neighbors (nice people) are smoking fish again. They have done it a few times before, but this time the baby's room is filling up with smoke. I don't know what to do. It's hot, if I close the windows she will for sure not sleep. Man, I am super pissed off and as I type the rest of the house is filling up with smoke too.

Pissed off.

Primal.

Twice now I have had my blood boil over dangerous situations concerning my daughter. She is a baby, after all, and can't take care of herself one bit. I am guessing though that these feelings of leaping out of your body in pursuit of saving your offspring, may never go away- that I will have to deal with, as I go.

But these two occasions got me thinking. Is there ever enough caution taken, enough cords pulled out of reach, baby gates put up, and doors locked? I feel like I have a pretty even stance on baby-proofing. I don't go overboard, I don't want my entire day filled with constant latch snapping and plastic handle squeezing. I do love a baby gate as I have stairs and a 9 year old bedroom door that can never stay closed, and my outlets are covered but I do little things like I don't buy toxic cleaners and I have all my pokey kitchen stuff put away and a drawer full of kitchen stuff that baby can play with, risk free.

So now what about the people I live with? How long do I lecture? Will I ever feel safe leaving the room for a minute? I have this constant feeling of emergency, that is the only way I can explain it. I mean, I know why Mom's become closet (or some, not so closet) alcoholics. This shit will drive you crazy! This feeling of, what I can also describe as like ADHD, or what that might feel like. I am mentally scrambling to do things, and I'm always on high alert. It's a sick, twisted thing I have, most Mom's do, the "Mom-dar". I will wake up in the middle of the night, and not 60 seconds later the baby will cry. When Quattro was little, we were moving into our apartment in San Diego and he was asleep on our bed because it was up and his crib was not- well we were in the livingroom, down the hall and I suddenly dropped the box or whatever I was holding and ran down the hall, only to put my hands out and catch this not 7 month old baby as he rolled off our bed. That was the first time anything like that had happened and it hasn't stopped since. This time, with Elvis is worse, I think because I know it's there but I know she's sick like the day before and I know when she is into something she shouldn't be, even if I'm in the other room.

This whole thing started because I was cooking dinner a couple weeks ago and Eddie had the baby and Quattro was out back. The door to the basement has been staying shut due to our lack of finding the right baby gate to fit. So I am cooking and I turn around and see the baby, back facing the top of the stairs with the door wide open. These are no steps either, they are steep as hell and curved, with a solid concrete floor at the bottom... I came unglued, I was out of my head pissed off, I couldn't believe it- it was the only time I ever thought I would leave Eddie, for real. If she would have fallen, I know I would never forgive him.

But she didn't, I, without so much as a sound as I didn't want to startle her and have her lean back, ran over and grabbed her by the foot and pulled her to safety. Eddie was crushed, I could tell he was going to beat himself up and I didn't tell him not to. Some things are unforgivable and I told him that was one of them.

The next day the baby gate was bought and installed. He's no Mom but he's a real good Dad.

Halloween time...

it's here. It's that time of year when everyone in the house starts talking about Halloween. I know it seems too early but since I make everything, I like to start early.

I think we've got the idea for Q and now it's Elvis' turn. But what does a little baby be for Halloween? she isn't "in" to anything, so I wonder like, what should she be? I look online for ideas and they are all lame baby costumes and I just can't seen to get any "Ah Ha" feelings about anything...

ideas are welcome

There's a lesson here.

So this is the summer that I have to learn to say "no" and to teach Q to do the same. It's hard, you think it's summer so we should just say "yes" to everything but then I find that we are all spent, tired, exhausted even and we barely see each other. Quattro has had sleep over after get together (my new name for "play date" I hate that) after sleep over... I have seen him, sans other kids, for like a couple hours over the last two weeks and that's just not going to work. I miss him, I love him and I think it's time to pull the reigns in and learn how to pace ourselves and spread things out a bit. Wish me luck.

Put up or shut up.

I am in a spring cleaning frenzy and I think it is driving my boys crazy.

I have that feeling like I want to move, pack everything up and unpack only the things I want to see, alas we aren't moving. We have a great house, we all love it but something has to give.

We had our garage sale and got rid of the stuff we didn't want but I am stuck with this feeling of internal screaming. I must silence it but I think I will have to do the work in order for that to happen. So here goes some major house cleaning, I guess our ebay account will get back up and running.