Last day!

It's in the air in my house. You can practically taste that today is the last day we are without our main man. I am not sure how we do it. All of us. I am not sure how we go so long, keeping our shit together when it feels like it is so close to falling apart sometimes. But what does that really mean? To fall apart?

Eddie will be home in time for dinner tomorrow and I feel I will have a mental collapse. I'm hanging by a thread, I will most likely drink too much tonight.

This morning started out with a giant grease fire, in which caught me completely off guard (cover it people, get a lid and cover it). I knew what to do but I completely forgot for that split second you have, kids were watching, I recovered well. I fucking googled it.

Today we all feel closer than ever. We are making beds and emptying the trash in the basement that we forget about for weeks. We are throwing up our arms, surrendering to the week we will have with him, before he is off again. We brace ourselves for the next 3 months, in which we will see him for no more than 10 days. 10 very good, amazing days.

Spaghetti Family

As I put the finishing touches on out Twitter and Instagram feeds tonight, I am not only super tired, I am super stoked.
What is happening in our lives (and in many lives) has come from a 5 minute conversation I had with my husband, over the phone on less than glamorous, venerable morning. I was just thinking about how we do things and how they are fine but the amount of things he was missing and the amount of travel we were missing... it just didn't add up that morning. And I am happy to say that months later, it still doesn't add up. We are starring at a calendar that has him leaving in February and unpacking in June.
That morning I just started talking about how we need to get back together more and that there must be an easier way. He agreed, he loves his life, he loves to tour but missing the things in our kids lives, it is hard to justify sometimes. In our weaker moments, we wonder "what the fuck are we doing?!" But lately in our more sound moments, we are still missing each other so much, it is palpable.
Well, what we came up with may or may not turn out to be easier, but I do know that it is turning out to be such a cool thing for us. For all of us. Even the little ones are getting in on the action. Well, not the baby but Elvis, our 4 year old is loving the idea of the trailer. Being with her Daddy though, that's what she is loving.
We are all planning and working together. Our daily conversations are thick with "next year" and "in the trailer"... it's all still a mystery but isn't that what we all need? Isn't that what so many of us are missing?
Maybe not. Maybe we are in fact totally crazy but I'll take it. Having seen my husband 9 days in 7 months this past year was enough to make a change.
There are so many things that we will miss, that we take advantage of now but I am looking forward to that. Looking forward to seeing what is necessary in our lives, what we are doing/spending/wasting in our day to day. We are all looking forward to a more simple life, homeschooling and seeing the country together and who can forget the live music. Touring is something that I have always enjoyed and used to be a part of.

I invite you to come join us on our podcast http://www.itunes.com/podcast/spaghettifamily

And to pop over to our website http://www.spaghettifamily.com

We are http://www.twitter.com/thespaghettis

Thank you!

Follow your... err... dreams?

Growing up I had a pretty good life. It was decent.
I had a really amazing family but you know, the nuts and bolts were pretty good.

Divorce, check!
Three bedroom house in the valley, check!
Neighborhood shenanigans, check!
Problems in school, check!
Adulthood met kicking and screaming, check!

But as I am in my 30's and raising 3 children, one who is 13 now- I am curious about what my "dreams" were... as a youth, growing up in middle america.
What did I want to "be"?

I have no idea.

My husband and I joke about what we want to be when we "grow up", knowing full well we should be just that already. Sure we are in the throws of "Teen Mom" and all that good stuff but really with a spouse, a house and kids- growing up is upon us.
We are, as they say, in the throws of it.

So what does that do for my childhood dreams? I mean, I guess I didn't make it.
He did. He has only wanted to be one thing and he is it. He is an enigma.

There's a quote by Bukowski that I have always loved, it sort of made me feel better about the whole childhood dream. Maybe it has nothing to do with childhood, maybe it is the thing in us we finally find we love.

"Find what you love and let it kill you."

Alrighty then.

How their death shows your salt.

I am not writing about the death of a movie star this morning.

I am not writing about the death of a friend or relative. 

I am writing about the death of a human.

Yesterday, like much of the world, I read the sad news of Paul Walker's death.

I was instantly sad with the sight of his picture that was attached. It was a somber photo. He was looking down and had a smirk. I was sad about his death, the untimeliness of it all... 

About 10 days ago I lost a friend. 

My neighbor of 10 years.

He was not only my friend but he was a son, a husband and a Father. 

He was an eye, I always felt, watching over my house and my family when my husband was away. 

He was the man that we smiled and and waved to on a weekly basis. 

He was always smiling.

He worked on his boat and smoked the salmon that he caught, always sharing. Always smiling.

The sudden passing of my friend, 54 years young, has kept me in a constant state of worry. 

I worry about my own mortality. I worry about my husband. 

What would he do without me? Or worse yet, what would we do without him?

I am sad and in a somewhat dark place, as death tends to lend itself to the dark side. I am coping though. Remembering the good, trying not to focus too much on the fact that I will never see him again.  That his children will be without him. His beautiful wife. Her sadness is my sadness. I will be a good friend to her, even though I am paralyzed to help. I can do nothing to make her feel better. I can only be her friend and that will have to be enough- for both of us.

Before going to sleep last night I couldn't believe the jokes and rude comments about Paul Walker's death. There were people who were actually saying his death didn't matter. There were "friends" of mine that were writing about what they believed to be unjust shock waves- "if it had been De Niro".... seriously, I read that.

People are attempting to make jokes about the Fast and Furious movies, how he wasn't a good enough actor to be sad over. 

My stomach turned and I got really really angry.

What if this was my neighbor? What if someone wrote that about my friend?

That is the way it felt, because Paul was someone's neighbor. He was someone's son and friend and he was someone's Father. 

Would these "friends" say this about their neighbor? How they weren't good enough to be remembered? I can't say that they wouldn't. I can say that they are no longer people I associate with because I can take a lot, I can read ridiculous political opinions and still be your "friend". You can talk about Obamacare all you want, or the war or the GMO's. You can ask me to support something I don't believe in, you can talk about your God. I can really see the difference in all of us. I can accept, not support, a lot of things but I cannot accept, support or even be remotely associated with making light of someone's death. 

They are dead. 

They are gone.

Never coming back. 

Not to be in anymore movies, or smoke anymore fish.

RIP