Pearl Jam money.

Money can't buy you... stop me if you have heard this one.

But what if you are happy?
You have all heard the saying, "money can't buy you happiness" but I am wondering, what about if you are already happy? What could it afford you to have?
If it's not happiness you are after, say because you are already quite happy, what can't money buy you?
I always find myself reading about this ridiculous quote from rich people. It drives me crazy.
If you are rich you shouldn't tell me what money can't buy.
I guess if I had to trade my happiness for money, I would not. I mean, of course I wouldn't but why can't I have both? I deserve it, god damn it.
I am good citizen. I pay taxes. I fork over money for charities and I am doing the whole world a favor by raising really great kids. I am raising kids to help the world, I am not raising them to fill up the world.
I am unhappy tonight because if I had Pearl Jam money, I would be loading my kids on a plane in a week so we could spend the summer with their Dad.
But I am not.
I don't have Pearl Jam money.
The system failed us. And by system I mean the fucking booking agent.
I am going to run his name into the ground after this tour is over.
I am mad because he failed to do his job, which means he doesn't get paid. WAIT. No, that is NOT IT. WE. WE are the ones that are getting screwed. He still gets paid and we are out a trip we have planned since last October. A trip we have taken many times before. A trip he botched and didn't care to even recognize or reply to. A trip my 3 year old is sad about not going on. She will spend another 6 weeks asking "will Daddy come home after my dark nap?". Because of this assclown I have to choose between a summer in Europe and paying my bills.
If I had PJ money, I would do both.
Shit.
But I am grateful to be happy and healthy and have a really great family.
We had a very good day with the man of the house back. He smells good. He looks better and it's all good.

Off on a holiday.

So there's an interesting thing going on in my world right now.
As I prepare for what could be 7 weeks of European holiday, I'm forced to accept that Eddie might be going w/out us.
His booking agent has decided to stop communicating w/ us and has yet to BOOK tickets. 17 days til departure...
My plan B is good but another stretch of single mom is not exactly what the doctor ordered.
Someone's getting fired. 

New stuff going up all the time!!

etsy.com/shop/yourmom206

Sell out.

So it's been a teeny bit of time since my shop on Etsy has gone up and I feel as though I have hit a huge milestone.
I'd like to preface this whole thing by saying, someone like me (getting married so young and having a baby straight out of the gate) didn't really think there were a lot of milestones left. I was not a career woman, by choice, I was not going to get divorced and I am the type of person who lives and achieves- not achieves to live.

Anyway, hitting the entrepreneur page of my life was a long time coming, even though I never really believed in it. I believed in myself, just not "it". Like, I didn't believe I would give the time needed to get things going for myself, my "career". I find I smirk when I say that... it's troubling kind of.
I feel like my thinking was you would get old, divorced and hate your job. Like that was it. You would have a 401k (what?) and an pension and you would work your ass off for someone or something and go to work every day, 5 days, 50 hours a week and then you would miss everything for 30+ years, retire and then look around and go... "shit.".

I am not blaming or faulting anyone. I grew up with people that had good work ethic. My sister had a job since she was like 15. She wanted to work immediately. Before she was out of high school. She knew she would be independent and I am guessing financial freedom was top of the list for anyone...
but me. I just wanted freedom.

A lot of people work 9-5 and have a lovely life, so calm your shit down.

I am not saying I have shitty work ethic. Well... okay, I probably do. If I don't "get it" like as in, "to get something out of this (shit that we are doing)" I am just not interested. So I think that means I have a terrible work ethic, this would probably be how people from my youth classify me.
People from my youth meaning people who aren't around me now on a somewhat regular basis. Everyone now knows my work as raising kids and to that they would all tell you I am the hardest working bitch in the business.

SO... anyway-
I grew up with a messed up skew on things. I thought you worked for someone and got old and then regretted how things went down. That is America, right?

WRONG.

After meeting my husband I was brought into this world of people doing (for a fucking living!) what they actually (get this) WANTED to do. Seriously? Wait. What?

Yeah, they grew up, graduated (maybe) high school, some went to University and do, for money, what makes them happy.
It's like a goddamn revelation.

So it took me a very long time how to figure out what I wanted to do, that would not only make me happy but make me money.
I have done a lot of writing over the years. I have written and had a song (or two) produced. It makes me money and that is a very good thing. But I am not completely fulfilled. I feel like a Disney star- I am a writer but I want MORE! I want to act, direct, rap, be a burnout- have a clothing line...
Ah ha!
A clothing line.
That's it.
Well, kinda.

etsy.com/shop/yourmom206

Slow it down.

Last year, at about this time, I was climbing into bed. Well, I was attempting to do so. I was spending my last pregnant night at home, at around 6 a.m. I was going to be leaving my house and walking to the hospital to have Zeke.
Eddie and I decided to walk because we have such a great neighborhood and thought it would be a good story to tell him when he was older. Although I knew time would go fast, I have never been witness to time flying quite like this.
My little boy is turning 1, in like 9 minutes. Well technically tomorrow morning, but still. He is 1.
I laid him in bed tonight and just looked at him. He starred at me for a minute and I was just about to tear up and he shook his head "no". It was weird and made me not want to cry anymore because... well, because it was sort of creepy.
Anyway, laying him down I was just thinking about how that is probably the last time I will lay an 11 month old down. Well, one that is mine anyway. I remember laying him in his crib for the first time. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed that afternoon and just watching him sleep. I remember being overwhelmed with the amount of love and responsibility I had because unlike the other times, I finally realized how great it all was. I know now that I am doing this- this is what I am doing. I am a Mom.
Oh god, I'm a MOM! 3 times over but still, I am a Mother, it is in my blood, runs through my veins, sweats out of my pores and weighs heavy on my heart.
Zeke you are absolutely amazing. You light up a room and fill the air with loud squeals and laughter. You are smart and although it is a little strange the amount of things you seem to know already, I appreciate everything about you. The looks you give me that remind me of my late Grandfather, give me chills and fill me with so much happiness. It is no accident that we named you after him, Ole, you are going to grow up and have the essence of him like no one else could... I like to think he left us a week to the day of you being born, just to make sure you didn't get lost.
He's like that.
Happy birthday Zeke Ole Wild. You are going to have a shotload of fun in this life.

Etsy

I'm still not sure if I'm cut out for an online shop. I am my own worst enemy, perhaps I feel the need to keep my stuff on the DL (meaning give it away) so I don't explode into this huge business and have no time to raise kids, get all caught up, start taking drugs to stay awake to fill all the orders... I'm kidding! I've been watching way too much Breaking Bad. Again! I'm re-watchingthe entire thing so I will be ready when the new season comes out.
Anyway, so I've opened shop. I'm selling some stuff and we will see how it goes.
If you are reading this please feel free to share my link etsy.com/shop/yourmom206
If you have a store and would like to inquire about ordering some of my stock message me here and I will send you my email. Truth be told, that is my goal. To have my stuff in a store, eventually, maybe one day that store will be my very own.
Come check me out. Post my link, spread it around like a bad case of HPV. That is so gross... Time for bed.

The "f" word.

Okay, okay. I have had it. Seriously, I have had it with my baby body. My baby is staring down less than the last 30 days before he is celebrating one glorious year on earth and I am staring down, not a pound lost the last 6 months.
What can I say, I'm vain? Not really, I just know I don't want to be one of those people that wakes up in their mid 40's and thinks "why didn't I lose this weight 10 years ago?" or get into shape, rather.
For a lot of people it is about being skinny. That is not me. I am not and have never been super skinny and I am not in the slightest wanting to be skinny. But I do want to be in shape. More desperately by the minute (summer is right around the corner!!).
About 3 weeks ago I started looking into the science of weight loss, weight gain- I don't sleep well and so I usually troll around and diagnose that ache I have or the weird freckle I found... but I really wanted to figure out why I haven't lost any weight.
Back story? Alright, if you insist.
At my sons old Elementary school I agreed (with baby Zeke) to do this empathy workshop with a class of 3rd graders. I was super excited and really glad I did it, It's called "Root Of Empathy". Anyway, in the class you have to weigh yourself, then hold the baby- the kids subtract your weight and figure out the babys weight... see where I am going with this?
So in September I was like "hey, not so bad, I just had a baby", even though I was heavier than I thought I would be (I don't regularly weigh myself) I wasn't too unhappy. I mean at that point I wasn't even thinking about losing weight. I was just thinking about not misplacing a kid and waking up 5 times a night...
Then in January I knew it was going to be ugly. I felt bigger. I did. I felt the breastfeeding diet (cereal at 3 a.m.) was not doing me so well. I felt sluggish. When I got weighed I was exactly the same. So I told myself, that I wanted to lose some weight before the final weigh in, which would be in June (ended up being in May, a bit earlier than I hoped;)
So I hopped on the scale and you would not believe I had gained 7 pounds. 7.
My favorite number used to BE 7 and now it is just the fucking number of lbs I gained while I was trying to lose weight.
But let me clarify.
I did nothing to lose weight between January and May. Nada.
I talked about it. I thought about it. I wanted it to be but I just didn't do it and getting that slap in the face. The 7lb weight gain... well, I'm sure as shit listening now.
I went home and became immediately serious about implementing the weight loss program... So what was I going to do?
I had figured out, one sleepless night, that I was consuming about 3 times the amount of calories that I would need for LOSING weight. So not only was I eating more than I should, even for breastfeeding, I was eating enough to gain weight. And I did. See how that worked out?
Shit.
To lose weight, doing my daily workout of... well, living, I need to consume no less than 1100 calories and no more than 1300 to LOSE weight. If I factor in some extra workouts (I walk to the park, play, walk dogs and run after a toddler and a baby but I don't go to the gym every day and I don't walk 2 miles like I would want to, still waiting on that double stroller).
Basically I am counting calories like a motherfucker. And I know that sounds lame and weird and like a lot of work but I WANTED to lose weight. I didn't want to WISH I had lost it.
I wake up and I know how many calories I can have that day (I am doing 6 days on 1 day cheat). After two or three days of counting calories (I used "my fitness pal" app, it's amazing) I can now just do it in my head. I know what 2-3 cups of my coffee makes up (I add hazelnut creamer, not low-fat or sugar free. I want to lose weight but I am super anti sugar free/fat free chemical stuff). I know I can have eggs and avocado (with Sriracha!) I like to have a couple of snacks so I do bananas (110 calories each) and I eat an ass load of tuna (50 calories a CAN). Lettuce is free most veggies have only 40-50 calories a cup. I know how much oil I need to dress my salads, I use a lot of spices and vinegars. The best thing is, is that I am able to eat anything. You could even have fast food (but don't)  you just have to count the calories.
For any of you out there that want to lose weight and have wanted to- now is the time.
It is NOT easy. You can NOT starve yourself or fast or drink shakes. There is no miracle cookie diet.
You have to get off your fat ass and figure out what you can put into it. Exercise is key, whatever it is. Even if it is purposely walking up and down your stairs or walking your dog extra fast. Do something, but exercise alone doesn't work and neither does dieting alone. It's a tag team. Get up in it.
I figured out the "serving size" of everything (did you know a bag of BBQ lays is not ONE serving? Oh, you did? I didn't. I eat the whole bag. Now I just don't buy them but if I did I would know that a serving is not that much (1 oz) and there are about 160 calories in that, so to me it is not worth it. That is like 2 hardboiled eggs, my fav snack).
I don't plan on counting my calories forever. I do know that my friend Matt makes the best ribs ever, so I will always, always, always make my cheat day when he and his wonderful family invite me over for dinner. But I'm serious y'all. I am not happy where I am at. I am not happy that when I wear the baby carrier, my belly gets squeezed out the bottom. That is not me! Damnit. It is NOT. I am fit and healthy and I have a nice fucking body... well, I did. Now it is in the need of a little help and I am doing it.
I think you should too.
For sample menus, see below but know that it is not as hard as it seems.
I know what I can have, that is the best part. Knowing what and how much is so important, so you can still have anything. If someone else has something delicious I have a bite and more than ever before, it is enough. I have had ice cream once in the last 3 weeks now and I used to eat ice cream every night since I was 6 months pregnant. I started because of heart burn and ended because of ego burn.
Figure out how much you weigh, what you want to weigh and then find out the number of calories you would have to eat to get there. My fitness pal even calculates that for you. It says "if you eat X amount of calories you will weigh this much on this day". I dig that. It is so helpful for me.
Okay, we should talk about drinking because I can't get rid of that.
There are about 150 calories in wine and beer, so I get two a day. Sometimes I want more so then I do some jumping jacks and extra dance moves when I am making dinner.


This is an example of my day:
Breakfast:
1 hardboiled egg (90)
3T of creamer (90)
3 cups of coffee (10)
1 slice of whole wheat toast (100)
Coconut oil and cinnamon (60)
Lunch:
Spinach (7)
sliced turkey ((60)
pickles (0)
avocado (120)
carrots (30)
spanish cheddar (120)
Dinner:
Tofu (90)
spinach (7)
asparagus (20)
red potatoes (120)
Snack:
2 bananas (100)
babybel (50)
2 glasses of milk (100)


Thats a lot of food and still well under 1300
I drink more water than usual too. I like to drink a glass before I eat and throughout the day.
When you get to know your calories and what is in what, it is easy to switch eggs for breakfast with oatmeal of even regular cereal. I also started buying fat free milk because it has less calories and so I can have plenty.
Another tip (if you like them) is that I boil up a dozen eggs every Sunday or Monday, so they are always ready,. I never run out of bananas because if I need to eat like RIGHT NOW, it is better to have that stuff on hand. Otherwise grabbing something high in calories is bound to happen. I will enjoy plenty of BBQ lays in my future but for now, not so much.

I'll would like to keep posting about this. If anyone has anything to add, please do. I am in no way a doctor or dietician but I do know that it is working. I am feeling good, and after the first week I guess I feel less and less like I am on a diet. There are times when I just want to get in a dark room with a pizza but I want this more. Now. I do.