Wool is for socks, not for eyes.

Parenting.

Let me preface this with I am not doing it perfect, the parenting thing. I am not even attempting to be perfect and I know that there will be times that I am comfy with my head in the sand. So just to be clear, I am an observer in this blog post. It is just too hard to ignore these days.

Parenting is hard. It is hard enough when someone is not judging you but even harder when you feel you have to defend yourself or your choices. But when does that defense mechanism malfunction and throws us into being just defensive and passive aggressive?

Honey, it's happening.

Lately, and I don't know if this is because I have a teenager or because high school is looming but instead of conversation and information- a lot of the talks turn parents into defending their choice, even when the choice is the very subject we are debating. I find it hard to talk to someone who is completely unsure of their stance yet unable to discuss different ways of doing things. It is not only counterproductive, it is insanely annoying.

Why are we so judgmental, girl?

And I am too. Being a homeschooling parent has put me into this place that most people know nothing about they either think it sounds amazing or they hate it. It's like sushi. You know when someone has never had it but they say how gross it is? If they want to know something, they just have to ask and a lot of friends and parents do. I find I have to beg myself not to judge when it comes to children in a religious school. Not because I think organized religion is a crock but because it seems the parents do too. Yet, these parents are sending their kids there. This confuses me. If it isn't something you do not believe in, what message is that sending the kids? I don't care where anyones kid goes to school. I don't. I have friends that have their kids in catholic school and took them out, I have friends that have their kids in private school and love it. I also have friends that have kids in catholic school and their kids enjoy it, those people are practicing catholics. My Mother grew up in the Catholic school and I grew up in like 8. I don't have any room to say what is better for any kid, shit I am still figuring out what is good for my kids- but I have a hard time swallowing the logic of putting a non-religious kid in a facility that pumps religion. Not only are the kids being subject to the religion (in which you may or may not worship in your home) but you are also giving that church money to fund their... trying not to offend here but it is really hard.
You know what I'm saying.

My son went to a public school and then in 6th grade got into a sort of charter school. It is not a charter but is it is an alternative learning school (not the kind for delinquents like myself) they sort of beat to their own drum there- well in theory. He went there with the mindset that this would be a different style of learning. Maybe a more eclectic style, less sitting in a desk. Everyone calls it the "hippie school" well usually the parents who have never so much as set foot inside. It was supposed to be less.. I don't really know, less traditional style learning, in some ways it was and some ways it wasn't.

So, here's my point. I did have one, I think.
My point is, I sent my kid to this school because I thought it would fit HIM more. I thought he would benefit from a little unique style learning, that would keep him interested in learning. He is a good student but he is really creative and sometimes a standard desk doesn't really enhance that in a child.  I thought it was suit him. Not me. I wasn't looking for a school to change my kids path, I wasn't looking for it to fix him in anyway, just enhance him and let his love of learning continue.

I  may be wrong but I think a lot of people are looking to schools and religion to change things in a fundamental way that I don't believe is possible. That is why a lot of people find God and I am not debating that here. I am not in a position to discuss whether religion is good for you.  I believe in this case, it is stifling to the child. The work that goes into raising a child and a troubled one is done at home, therapy I believe. I think there is this idea that we can stick our kids in a place (in which they may or may not belong) and it will turn them out okay. It will somehow funnel them through to the other side of high school or middle school (or life) and they will find themselves on the right path and I am calling bullshit on the whole thing.

I am not calling bullshit on our willingness as parents to try and do what is best for our kids. OMG, I am always trying to do what is best and I am sure that is the general consensus BUT I fear that it is an easy fix for a big problem and if anyone has ever tried to spit into their ink cartridge, you know what I'm talking about.

I am worried for these kids. I am worried they hate where they are, what they are doing and they will get through that misery by doing things that they shouldn't be doing.
No school is perfect and no school will keep us out of trouble. If we as humans are looking for trouble, we will find it.

There is no magic band-aid to fix a teenager. I have one and I was one. I know how wide the spectrum is. It's huge. I was awful and I broke every rule and did everything wrong and that was just my journey. A lot of people pass judgement on me because my teenager is thought of a ideal in ways but he is just doing him. I don't believe anyone has the perfect child and we all struggle with decisions we are making for someone else's life, I just wanted to shed some light on something that happens in every town, every day to everyone.

Dear Turkey and Mr. Bear...

I am writing you because I know I will be 80 years old one day and looking back I will want to thank you. I'll want to thank you for changing the game for me. I have always considered writing something that has come easily for me, storytelling is gift but to become an author... well, that's new.

If it wasn't for you, you needling in my head every night for weeks upon months that turned into two goddamn years- I might now be "here".
Here is a place we will call "success". Successful in that I did something I wanted to, without letting life get in my way. Success in finishing, geez... isn't that what it is all about?
Finishing? From the moment "Mr. Bear" came out of my mouth that night, I knew I was a changed person. I felt different, I grew that night.

Age 36 and I grew.

If you know me, you know that is the best part.
Success for me won't mean money or fame or even seeing my book on any other shelf but my own.

Finishing. That's everything.


Thank you to everyone who has supported me in the presales. The book is still and always will be for sale on my website, to read testimonials and hear a bit of the audio.
You can purchase and review my book on Amazon as well. And if you find yourself at the Wax Bar in Ballard or Hansen's Surf shop in Encinitas or at All Day Cafe in Sious Falls, SD be sure to tell them thanks for carrying my book and for the love of silly Turkey, buy another copy.

JD

Self doubt.

Yikes. This is the worst feeling ever.

The feeling you get when everything that you have worked for may just fall apart in front of you.
Self doubt sneaks up on us, even if we are strong and brave and tirelessly working- it can find you.

I have worked harder on my book  that almost anything in my life.
It was my fourth baby, made of blood, sweat and paper.

There are about 3 days until my book is officially out. I am just about ready to receive a shipment of 9 boxes, that I will sign and mail out to all of the lovely individuals who purchased it. I thank you.

And even though I have met my goal, I am bitting my nails.

Like now what?

What do I do now? How can I sell more? How will I get a store to pick it up?

I guess it all comes with time, with work...

Please, if you have a way to help, whether it is tweeting my website link, talking about it by the water cooler. Maybe you know someone that knows someone... who knows where this can go.

Why not me?


If you haven't been over to our family's website, you should check it out.

Fuck you. (reboot)

Offended?

Good. You should be. I mean, those two words should offend you in some way or another.
What shouldn't offend is a picture of one of my kids, standing on the curb at a solstice parade, in bloomers and body paint.  What also shouldn't offend you is my child sitting on the top of a boat in a pair of bathing suit bottoms. At the beach. In the summer. In a swimsuit that I believe suitable for her age. I. Me. Her Mom.

THAT is what I think should NOT be offensive.

But here's the thing.

I get it. I get there are many, many sick and twisted people that get their rocks off looking at pictures of little kids. I get that kids get kidnapped. Raped. Killed. I am 38, thank you very much. I have lived on this sick fucking planet the whole time and last I checked there is NOTHING I can do about the twisted people that I share air with.

Here's the thing.

I can do something about this.

We ALL can.

We can all make this shit stop. We can put our proverbial feet down and say #freeyourmom206
and every other (mostly Mother's) accounts that are getting attacked. Hacked! Targeted! Taken down. Stomped on. Deleted!

I would love to blame someone. I would love that buttwipe to have to put his (it's totally a chick) name on the report so I can go take a look at his (her, lets be real) shit and make sure he (she) is following MY rules. Why not? Fair is fair, right?

Wrong, Jessika. You know better than that. Shit isn't fair. LIFE isn't fair and until recently I have always told my kids "life isn't fair". This is something I have wanted them to take with them through their lives, I wanted it to be instilled in them, I guess so that they would never have to be surprised or expect things to be fair.

Not anymore.

Those kids- same ones I am apparently breaking every social media rule with- are hearing a different tune from me. Their Mom, the one that has purposefully put them in harms way.
NOT.
 I have not done that at ALL. IG should be thanking me. They should be thanking me for doing what I do. For being a self employed Mother of 3, using their stupid social media devise to help spread the word that life can be amazing. They are not. They are keeping me from it all. They are stopping me in my tracks. They are making me think "why do I use this stupid thing?" "why do I bother?".
I am not famous. No one cares about my pictures except for me BUT what people do care about is a Mother of 3 being taken advantage of by a platform that is used by millions.

Here's the thing.

There's porn on Instagram.
It's there. I have seen it.
It's not where I like to get my porn, it's not where I want my porn but I don't give a shit about what those people are doing or why.
I have a life. I am living it and my life is being socially shut down by some faceless coward and that oxygen thief is being BACKED by Instagram. They are letting those bitches get away with it all.

"They", "these people", "asshole", "scum", can go on Instagram and just decide they don't like my pictures. They can go "oh that's 'wrong'" and "I would never.." and they can "tell" IG that they don't like it, then IG decides it's cool to just take my shit down.

Here's the thing.

IT'S NOT!

Spread the word. Send this to your boss. Your paper. Your news anchor.
Send this and any other blog, photo, story you have heard about this topic and MAYBE we can do something about this whole pile of shit we (mostly Mothers) are sitting in.

I have heard some chatter but to tell you the truth I don't think the nucleus is being fixed. I don't think the core of the problem is being looked at, I think they take a page down, hear some noise and put it up and that is it. It's like taking the gum out from under your coffee table and just hoping it'll never happen again. I want the gum, the table and the fucking hand that put it there to talk. I want this shit to be fixed for all of us.

And if my page gets taken down, you better go to #freeyourmom206 for a complete nude picture of me, cause I ain't goin' out like that.

Too much, too little.

I just spent the last week with my sister and her family. It was the first time they had come up here in over a decade. Just saying that makes me go "WOW!". It's been a long time.
We had a great week. The kids played, with her two and my three- we had it all covered. Games, art, movies, sleepovers, fire camps and lazy days at the beach. It was what every vacation should be but like every vacation it went by so fast.

It's funny when you spend time with someone. It doesn't matter who. When you spend a long enough time with anyone, especially when you share the same blood, you learn new things about yourself. And them.

It was like a psych experiment. I mean that in a good way. I am the type of person who is fascinated about life and personalities, for real. What makes people tick, what makes them quirky and fun. What makes them amazing. What makes them suck.

Spending this time with my sister was probably the most one on one time I have had with her since we lived together. I moved out of my Mother's house in 1994. No shit. It's been awhile.
She may have even moved out before that. So to say the very least, we needed it. We are sisters, we needed to spend time together, to get to know each other as adults, although I think no matter how old the little sister gets, she will always be seen as an annoying child. I get that a lot.

So the "experiment" left me thinking that I A. her kids are exactly like her and my kids are exactly like me. Our apples didn't even roll. They are sitting on the base of our roots.
And B. how did her and I, as "apples", come off of the same tree?
I still can't figure it out.

It's cool though, we are both good people. We both have great families and we are doing what we do. We are doing what makes us happy and we are living the lives that we have built, so there is no harm in one of us being the rogue apple. It was most likely me, it is just quite a trip to see it out in front of you. Like we are both hilarious, so we have that in common, but that is kinda it.

But I feel I enjoy the differences we have. Same with my friends and I and my husband. Him and I are not alike at all. People assume we are because we both can live out of a suitcase and we like to wear jeans and travel but the similarities diminish greatly from there. Like with my sister, I find it interesting how we can cohabitate for so long and yet be so differently.

A lot of people only find solace or interest in people like themselves- that in and of itself is a psych experiment, one I don't really get behind. You just don't learn enough being with someone who is just like you. I think with our children, hers like her and mine like me are that way so they can go out into the word and become themselves, so they don't count on the above statement.

What does count is this. I think a lot of people bring a burden to the scene when they come across someone different. They decide that they are better (or worse) worse than the other person! That is the worst! I think we all need to just realize that we are different for a reason, it is not for a cloak of "I'm better than you" it is not for a target on our backs. We are different because we are human and that is something we are lucky enough to be, when we are here.

Seeing my children and her children play and love each other, all the while being polar opposites gave me a lot of hope for the world and also made me wish we lived a whole lot closer.

RIP Banjo.

Why I'm not mad at Gwyneth.

I have been taking a long hard look at myself lately.
The things that piss me off, I have started to dissect them.
The things I seemingly can't let go of, I have been taking the steps to let go of them.
I am not sure why. I feel like most of us get to a point where we just want to shake our bodies and minds so hard we are able to dislodge all the bullshit but my dizzy head keeps telling me that is not how it works.

I really, truly believe that we are all in charge of our own happiness.
No this isn't me showing you how hippie I can be.
This is me getting real and I hope it helps someone else get real too.

When Gwyneth Paltrow was put on blast for saying the things she said I was with everyone, I thought it was inconceivable that she would A. know what the hell it is like to be a "regular" Mom, let alone a one that has a "regular" job and 2. how dare she  put "us" on a hook like that!
I was fired up a little, some were fired up a lot, like this gal, but then I realized everything I was reading and thinking was passing judgement on her and THAT is why the royal we were upset to begin with- because she was passing judgement on us. Hello, circle.

I haven't sat up nights thinking about this but when I was doing my reflecting about myself, I realized that this is not about me, it is not about you- it is about everyone. Well, except for probably Oprah. That woman is as close to a God as I will ever worship. She blows my fucking mind. When she speaks, I listen. When she loves, I learn. Think it's hokey? Good for you. I am all set, thanks.

So back to Gwynnie.
Her opinions were just that. They were hers. She doesn't know you and more importantly you don't know her. The more I thought about it I was sort of siding with her. We don't know what it is like to be on set all day. I don't know what it is like to wake up before my kids and be gone all day and then come home to them asleep. That would crush me.
She doesn't know what it is like for any of us either but for her, she thinks it is harder. That's it. That is all, she is not bashing, she was just saying. Her opinion of how hard my life is or is not doesn't really concern me. Unless she knocks on my door and wants me to show her, I don't assume she was talking about me, specific. Nor you, or you, or you.

Am I hating on the housewife or the working Mom. Hell no.
I have been a housewife and a working Mom and I am currently doing both of those things simotaneously for the better part of 2 years and no comment from anyone is going to make me think they have it harder OR that I have it harder. This is my life. The one I am in charge of.

Where things got ugly is when people started talking about how it must be rough to be a millonaire and have nannies and chefs and cleaning ladies. Drivers and door men and an assistant, all the help you could want in life, but what we are all forgetting, I believe, is that she is still a Mother. There is no stand in for a Mother. Even if you don't have to actively do things for your kid, no one can stand in for your actual being there. There is no hire you could have that will look and feel like you. No amount of money could be paid to make your kids believe you are actually there. That just can't happen.
I think we are also forgetting that money can't buy you togetherness or happiness.
That is the long and the short of it for me. I can't hate on her. I don't feel sorry for her either and more to the point I don't feel those things for myself after reading her article. Although you didn't even have to read the thing, everyone was talking about it. Everyone had the same opinion too. Hate. They pretty much hated her white, rich ass and I think it is unhealthy and pointless and really just more proof that no matter what part of the world you come from, whether you have money or not, most women love to tear down women.

Not me. Not anymore. Did I ever? I am sure I did. That is how we were all raised. Not by our parents per say but just by society. We were taught to not like her because she is a slut, she's s drunk, she's a liar, she's a bad Mom, she's cheating on her husband... why do we care? Why are we programmed to do this? Men aren't like this. They just aren't made that way.

Think about it. When is the last time your husband, brother, Dad came to you talking shit about the guy at the bar, gym, park, work? No? Not happening? Why? Why is that?
I think it is because men worked together to get ahead. Ahead of what, you ask?

Us.

That's right, you heard me. They all worked together to get ahead of the women in society, they banded together and they did it. Look at us. We can have the same job and work in the same office and on Friday the paycheck is ACTUALLY DIFFERENT! WTF? How did we let this happen?
Why do men overestimate their abilities and we underestimate?

Boy, did I ever just hop topics... I believe they are connected though.
How many people do you know hate their job?
Now how many of them are men?

When you get sick of it all,

shut up.

Seriously, just shut up already.
I should take my own advice I guess, but what fun would that be?

Seems like every few months a bunch of people get sick of it all. Like of everything.
Meaning, your comments, your pictures, your parenting style and what you had for dinner. Your desire to take a FB quiz because you want to know what kind of wild animal you would be, or which character on Friends you would most likely marry. They don't even want to see your face anymore. Didn't you hear? Selfies are out this month.

I guess it is all part of it. Part of social media. It's social, says it right there in the title and we all get sick of our friends in real life, so being that this is a media version means you too are getting sick of them and their shit.

But why tell them? Honestly, I feel like it is the lamest form of complaining. Being a social shamer by going on a rant about how lame it is to have 25 pictures uploaded of a cat or because someone wants to write about what they ate, how far they ran, is the equivalent of yelling at someone as you pass them on the road. It's just dumb and a complete negative to society.

We are all haters. Like me, right now. At this very minute I am hating all over the haters of social media. Recently I read an quiz, however funny it was, about how to tell how annoying you are on FB. Funny thing was you had to take the quiz to find out but in the fucking thing said you were lame because you take quizes! Like... you can't win!

I would tell you when I think you are being lame, if I gave two shits. Usually I just stop coming around and for the most part when people stop coming around me, I assume they are thinking the same about and that is A-OK. I am perfectly fine with that.

I just wonder why it happens so incessantly? Like why all of the sudden does it seem like people are coming out of the woodwork to complain? When I answer the phone and the voice on the other end starts complaining, I completely glaze over and wish I wouldn't have picked up. Not that I can't be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen but sometimes it is just too much.

My gut tells me the windfall of complaints flooding my FB wall is as simple as this-
people are sheep. When they read a complaint, even if quasi comical, "enough pictures of your kids already!", that person then takes the lead and vents their frustration or maybe targets someone who is on their nerves. They take the false security that the internet gives you and they lay into something or worse, someone.

 Just stop it. Get over yourselves. Whatever happened to talking about people behind their backs? Were you not raised right? All the passive aggressive shit online is gross and annoying and it makes me stay away... maybe that is how it should be. Maybe some of us take the hint and we just stop going back to the thing that annoys us... maybe.

I like social media. I don't like this part but I like hearing my friend Jonna get excited when her hockey team wins or when Danny shares a disgusting picture or when Jenn runs 6 miles. I like that. I even like when some friends take 20 selfies, I think it is silly and sweet and if that makes them feel good, I am not going to make fun of them on their FB wall. There are plenty of people that post things that are annoying, abrasive political rants or putting their partner on blast and you want to know what I do? I just click a button and it's gone.