Parenting 10fuck you.

There's a lot of chatter about parenting advice blogs. About how there are too many, most are fucking stupid and practically all of them are getting paid through ad's to get the idiotic message to you- the consumer of bullshit advice from people that probably don't have kids. Or don't raise them themselves or just suck as humans.

This is not one of them. I just spelled "advice" wrong both times in that last paragraph. If you take anything away from my blog, don't let it be advice of either the spelling, grammar or parenting. This is merely a way for you to waste 5 minutes as you sign into your work computer and pretend to start your day. This is for you, sucka.

Why do people assume they know dick about what you do or what works for your family?
I am always, ALWAYS under the impression that I don't know shit about other peoples lives. That I could not AND would not want to live their life, so the last thing I am going to do is talk shit about the way they are doing it.

Lately it has been coming to my attention that I am being judged. Left and motherfucking right.
Ya, I know, "who cares?" and all of that and for the most part I agree. Who cares?
Well. Me.
Now I care.
Someone told me one time (my therapist) that if something that someone else says bothers you, you are probably feeling guilt about it. That maybe there is a shred of truth in what they are saying.

She was a bitch and I never went back.

I think the human mind can only put up with so much. We are not equipped to hold our tongue forever. It's not natural.

But lets not get off point here.
What I am talking about is that there are people in our lives, all of us, who do not agree with what we are doing in life. They find it their business to speak out to let you know that you are making a mistake, that you are doing it wrong and I just want to stand against that. I want everyone to know that unless you came out of my vagina- you have no say in what I do. None. Nothing. Fuck off.

Last day!

It's in the air in my house. You can practically taste that today is the last day we are without our main man. I am not sure how we do it. All of us. I am not sure how we go so long, keeping our shit together when it feels like it is so close to falling apart sometimes. But what does that really mean? To fall apart?

Eddie will be home in time for dinner tomorrow and I feel I will have a mental collapse. I'm hanging by a thread, I will most likely drink too much tonight.

This morning started out with a giant grease fire, in which caught me completely off guard (cover it people, get a lid and cover it). I knew what to do but I completely forgot for that split second you have, kids were watching, I recovered well. I fucking googled it.

Today we all feel closer than ever. We are making beds and emptying the trash in the basement that we forget about for weeks. We are throwing up our arms, surrendering to the week we will have with him, before he is off again. We brace ourselves for the next 3 months, in which we will see him for no more than 10 days. 10 very good, amazing days.

Day 13 Vegan

So I started this journey with one goal in mind. To finally lose the weight I have hung onto after having Zeke. I knew I couldn't diet, per say. I would never want to do something drastic to lose weight knowing full well I would gain it all back. An elimination diet is something that has always interested me. I could see where if you take things out, rather than eat something in particular, you could maintain your weight loss by slowly incorporating the food back in. Well, if it was good food.

I personally think that meat and dairy are healthy, I know some people think it isn't-  I am not one of them. I also believe that dairy and meat can be high in fat and calories, so I decided to go vegan. For a week. Now it has been two. Next week, three?

I stopped eating gluten and refined sugar about a month ago. I read somewhere that gluten intolerance manifests itself and causes bloating, weight gain- I am a low carb eater for the most part, never really completely eliminating them because I have three kids. No carbs equals zero energy, so I needed to be smart but if I took out gluten and it helped me feel better, then I am all for it.

Anyway.... I am pretty hardcore. I have to admit, this wouldn't be a good thing for anyone who eats on the fly, who grabs lunch or whatever. I have to think about breakfast before I go to bed (well, not anymore) I need to make sure I don't wake up and get rolling on my day and forget to eat. I'm not just feeding a coupe dogs here, I have to wake up with a baby, a 4 year old and a teenager. Everyone has different needs and up until recently, I guess I wasn't making my needs be important. I knew I wasn't happy with my weight but I'm like everyone else, busy.

I still hate that word.

Now that it has been a couple weeks, I am eating the same few things in the morning and it works for me. Lunch is usually last nights dinner to keep it easy or something simple. I snack on bananas, hummus and anything whole or made by me.

So two weeks in and the 21 day challenge still within my reach, I am feeling pretty proud of myself. It hasn't always been easy but for the most part my desire to complete losing the weight is way more powerful than any deli sandwich (one of the things I miss most). I haven't had a latte in a month but I don't miss that really. I drink green'black tea all day long along with 2 liters of water, which has proved to be a challenge but a good one.

Vegan is a way of eating that doesn't have to be as hard as you think. When I go to the store I just buy fruit, veg and grains. My house is stocked with canned tomatoes and beans, spices and frozen veg. I added rice and rice noodles which are amazing when you are not eating meat, gluten or dairy.
I get a lot of "what are you eating? I could never do that!" and it is basically all real food. I use coconut oil instead of butter, beans and tofu instead of meat. It's been cold so soup has been on the menu a lot. I have started eating farro, even though it is low in gluten, it still contains it. But that stuff is amazing- better than any rice or pasta I've had.

So here's to you and whatever your journey is. Whether it be weight loss or otherwise, I encourage you to knock yourself out.

Well shit.

On February 20th I handed my teenage son his first iphone. I should add with great trepidation. I had a lot of reservation but the bottom line for me, was the fact that I don't believe kids need to have the Internet at their fingertips.  Shit, half of the people I know don't need it and would probably make better company if they didn't have it. Reluctantly I gave in. No reason why, it was there, so I gave it to him.

Call me crazy.

Call me a clairvoyant.

February 22,  my son gave out his number to someone he "knows" through Instagram and almost immediately we saw the magnitude of the mistake.

I will take you back.

This person, who is probably 50 years old, befriended my son through IG a while back. Like so many "followers" you don't really investigate. I check and see who he is following because up until last week, I had no reason to think it mattered who was looking at his pictures. Originally I thought he would be safe as long as he was following "safe" people. Skaters, friends, Kashimo...

This thing that we are dealing with has legs like you would not believe. We are finding out, left and right I might add, how very susceptible our kid is. How very easy it is for even the "good" kids to get taken.

I say "good kids" not because I think my guy's is perfect. He is a kid, he has his days. But he is not one of those kids on IG tagging everything in sight to get followers. He isn't obsessed with that part of it. He really likes just taking weird videos with his friends and photos of his dog. He is not a typical kid online. Not for his age, so I guess what I am saying is I thought he was aware.

Well... he is now.

I hate to get all serious, as that is something I usually am not. I like to live free and not have too much drama or heavy stuff in my life but lately it is all around but unlike the other crap, this is important.

This is heavy. If you have a child, I suggest you read it, forward it, post it, share it and not because I am an awesome writer but because this wasn't going to happen to us. We were "prepared", we talked about this kind of stuff. Privacy and all of that but what I am learning about teenagers or kids in general- you kind of have to think of everything and if you don't- welp!, there's a window.

So I am sharing.

The "friendship" started with a common interest and comments went back and forth on pictures but if I am being honest, this guy commented way too much. He was like one of those people that introduces themselves by saying "I'm not a stalker..." we get that a lot. Anyway, then one day he PM'd my son. Private message for those who are still under that rock. After that he PM'd him a few more times, then he sent him a picture of his phone number and said he would send him a new phone case for his new iphone. This was the first time I knew he was "talking" to this guy. I didn't know it was a PM though, I saw the pic and the comment and we joked (Q and I) because Q had also, the day before, posted a message from Amazon about something he had ordered not coming until April, only problem was the message also included our address. I let him off the hook because it was an easy mistake. We laughed and said "well, he's go your address". Seriously, when I think back I see the magnitude. They (I) say "kids are dumb" but I now feel really dumb.

The guy was not on my radar at all and maybe he didn't need to be but I believe when you, a grown "man" ask a kid to text you, you have crossed the line. You are up to no good. You should know better and if you don't- well, if this guy didn't, he does now.

I wanted to share this because I believe that kids are really, really smart but at the same time, they are really really stupid. Just like us. They think something is harmless and then in an instant everything changes. I am the kind of parent that I like to teach my child about things that happen, without them always having to go through that thing. I grew up going through everything and I felt beat up a lot as a kid- I wanted better. This is something I felt was in my job description. I felt like I had this covered.

I failed.

Looking through this guys IG, he follows mostly young boys. He comments on his pictures a lot about being on the "sofa" and upon further investigation I noticed he goes to kids pages and tags other creepy guys, so that they will be made aware of the kids page. Some of the pages look like they are dummy pages for pedophiles. Like for REAL. It's all I can think about. What if he would have sent Q a picture of himself. Of something disgusting?

I would destroy him.

I know who this guy is. I know where he lives. If he ever contacts my child again I will absolutely plaster his name everywhere. Especially with the police.

After cutting ties with this freak, he posted this passive aggressive IG about how 'if you are going to post stuff on IG don't be shocked when people reply, that is what's supposed to happen'.
I know it was directed toward my child and it makes my skin crawl all over again. He didn't just reply to a post, he reached out privately to a child. A CHILD! When my son and I talked about it we were discussing how when he was little it was all "don't take candy from strangers". This guy knows teens don't want candy, so he offers something else. It is the same damn thing.

If I am wrong about this guy. I don't care.

I am pretty solid on my Momdar and it went off when I was privy to the fact that this guy asked for my sons number. As soon as I heard it I was seeing 100% clear on the matter. I'm grossed out. I am sick to my stomach and I have learned, along with my son, a very valuable lesson.

They say no harm no foul but I kinda beg to differ.

Surprise?

I don't like surprises.

I have never really been on the receiving end of any amazing ones, although one time my friends and I were celebrating my birthday and my Mom and sister showed up. In Michigan. Unannounced. I think it was my 23 birthday. It was not such a good surprise. I mean it was good to see them, of course but I think there were  about 12 naked people in the hot tub- girls from my work... which was another surprise (more for them than me) they found out where I really worked. Ha! Good times.
So yeah... in general, I don't love surprises.

They are usually not purely a surprise and the thought of acting like you had no idea is not that appealing. Or like the above. What do you do when the surprise isn't good? What do you do with all of that?

The other thing that comes to my mind is the thought that you could have made it better. That is such a woman thing to think but I am being honest. Sometimes surprises aren't good for lackluster planning skills or bad timing OR the person throwing the surprise for you is really the one wanting the attention.
That is the worst.

I am thinking about surprises because I am planning a rather big one soon. It has been awhile since I have had the energy to even think about something fun, let alone pull it off. When you have kids it is hard to plan it all and the thought of putting in all the work for it to just get canceled at the last minute keeps me from really diving in. But I guess that is life, right? You have to either shit or get off the pot. Is that the saying? It's gross but I love it.

I am going to shit. I am not going to just get off the pot without shitting.

Why aren't we talking about this?

Recently it has been brought to my attention that people are not blogging/talking about teenagers anymore. How there's so much information when you have a little person and then once they get a little older, oh say 12, 13, 14... we are all left in the dark.

Now I am not sure what the ratio of parenting books for little vs teens happens to be but I know the exact answer as to why there isn't much chatter about this species.

They are all assholes.

I am not even kidding.

I have one of the sweetest kids on the planet. Even at 13 he is really one of the best. He doesn't cuss, he still wants to play board games, he is really comfortable with himself so he doesn't constantly get into trouble pretending to be someone else (which isn't the case for most teens). So I really think of myself and ourselves as lucky to have him. He is our first teen. My husband and I are learning so much about what is to come. We have 3 kids! We need all the lessons we can get.
But still. He is an asshole.

There's a certain time in a kids life when they go from being really awesome 80-90% of the time and then they have their bratty 10-20% of the time to a swift shut down. (Averages may vary:). Around 12 you see the change, however subtle it seems as first, it will soon kick your ass. There is a little more crying (for no reason) there are new battles (forgetting everything) and the laziness kicks in. Like real, honest to goodness laziness.

By their 13th birthday you have 100%, pure grade A assholes.

I get it though. It wasn't THAT long ago. I do remember thinking I knew everything and feeling like the adults in my life didn't know what the hell they were talking about (which, hey, maybe they didn't). I do get it. But THIS is why no one talks about it. You aren't "allowed" to call your kid an asshole.
But... I'll be honest. I do. I am a straight shooter. I tell him to shut up when he is poppin' off and I call him an asshole (no, not an "A hole") when he is being a teenager... oh wait.
Not all the time (all the time), not every single day (every single day).

I love my kid(s). Don't get me started but I would like to just put it out there that this is why we don't read endless blogs about the amazing life of a Mother of a teen. There are no articles that post "Top ten Christmas gifts for your teenager.". It ain't happenin, I dont have a single book about this glorious phase (please tell me its just a phase). Maybe I should write one?

Chapter 3, "It's a phase, stand your ground and love them."
Translation, "He's a dick,  you're the boss, try not to slap him."

tbc...

Day 3

Okay. It pains me to say this but this does not suck.

My son, Quattro and I have two days of vegan (plant based) eating under our belts.
This thing all started when I was reading about Jay Z and Beyonce going on a 21 day vegan "cleanse".
You can read all about it in a previous post, but basically I challenged myself after a friend pointed out how easy this diet/cleanse/whatever would be for someone like them. They don't shop, cook, clean or have to wrangle the whole deal with their kids climbing up their leg while they are trying to rinse the quinoa or the fact that they don't have three kids that need to eat before they have time to make their "green monster" drink.

SO, anyway... I got to thinking that it must be hard for people, normal people, to get this kind of lifestyle under their belts. Whether it be for a lifetime or for a little time. I have been on a quest to find something that will help me lose weight, as with my third child I just sort of got stuck with some lbs that I loathe. I don't hate the way I look but this is not my body... it just isn't.

Okay. Back to the food.

I went to the store set out to fill my house with things that are strictly plant based and living in Seattle, there are so many options, it is a wonder why it would ever be a problem. The closer I looked at stuff labeled "vegan" and "gluten free", I noticed that it was full of other crap. Chemicals in fact. So this quickly changed the way I wanted to do things. I went from being curious about ready to eat, so I could actually accomplish this "challenge", to knowing that I would be making everything.  Like, everything.
My diet is consisting of almond, rice and soy milk. I use it to make things more than eat, so I know that I am getting calcium but there's nothing like cow milk. I love it. Lots of greens. Spinach to cooking nad for the morning smoothie. Quinoa and lots and lots of veggies and beans.
I made a huge batch of hummus. I didn't have any tahini so I just used a little grape seed oil and 2 lemons, roasted red pepper. It was amazing. I am eating some right now with plantain chips and carrots.

I am going to stop right here and just say that I know how this sounds. It sounds crazy and a month ago I never thought about animal products being "bad" and I don't think they are bad but I do think (hope) that they are linked to my lack of weight loss. That is what this is about. I want to shed pounds to feel better. My baby is 20 months old. I am still breastfeeding so dieting isn't something I feel comfortable doing- I don't believe diets work. I think if you change the problem you change the outcome.
Will I become vegan forever. No. Probably not. Will I have a better sense of what is working for my body and what isn't? I hope so.

So back to the food...

Starting with cheese. There are many vegan "cheese" products and they sound disgusting. After a little research I found that if you soak cashews (or any raw nut) that you can blend the shit out of it with some nutritional yeast (weird?) and a little water and lemon, you can have some "veese" as we are calling it. It is gross right off the bat but when you get it nice and cold, it changes it's texture and therefore the experience is better. It's rich and that is a good sub for cheese. Is it better? Hell no.

Sauteed cabbage is one of my favorite things. I slice it thick and use balsamic and oil and put it with everything. Over quinoa is my favorite right now.
Yesterday we made split pea "stew". I used one whole sweet onion with olive oil and chili powder. I added two sweet potatoes, a bag of dried split peas, large can of my favorite tomatoes, 4 cups of water and it was amazing. Amazing. The kids made crispy cornbread, so we all ate vegan and gluten free and it was simply delicious. (the only thing we did different was when we flipped it, I put it directly on the oven rack and let it broil until it was starting to char- about 8 minutes).


I have three kids, so ridding my house of dairy, meat and wheat isn't something I can do. Although we do eat a relatively clean diet, animal products are a plenty. Kids drink milk, eat yogurt by the tub. And cheese? Please. It goes on everything. So this journey is more about not eating it than not having it. Making the kids eggs in the morning is rough and the quesadilla was looking pretty good but I am determined to make this work. I want to know if it works.

The one thing I know for sure is that I feel less bloated. That's gross but I do. My stomach feels lighter and I am not lacking energy at all. I need to drink more water, I need to do that for sure.

Stay tuned.

Go check out our family podcast on itunes, The Spaghetti Family Podcast and visit our website too!