She went under, continued.

It has been more than 5 months and today I took her to swimming class.
I didn't think about it this morning at all. I just got her suit on, grabbed the baby and went.
To be fair, my husband has taken her the last two weeks, as I have enjoyed the quite time, getting to write or have lunch alone. As the countdown has begun on him leaving, he enjoys getting to take them to do their thing. Whether it is a park, dance class or swimming.

But today my husband had interviews to conduct over the phone so I opted to go. Even while grabbing her green alligator towel, it didn't occur to me that she had once nearly drown.

God, I don't even know if I can write this all...

Deep breath JD, deep fucking breath.

When I got the kids out of the car I still wasn't thinking about it. I took them into the locker room and between the naked old lady ass and Zeke running toward the running showers, it just didn't occur to me the insane amount of anxiety that was waiting for me. That had been waiting for me.

Like, insane amounts.

So she dashes ahead of me as we weave through the locker room hall that leads us to the pool. Past all the little feet and Moms with their giant bags. She makes it to the pool and points out her teacher "I don't even know her name but she's nice" was how she introduced me to her. Una, is her name.
She then walks to the steps that slowly bring you into the water, waved vigorously at me like she does and it hit me.

It smacked me really hard, right in the face... and in the chest. It nearly took my breath away as it did hers on that day.

I had Zeke in my arm and I took him out of the pool room to the lobby which separated her from us with a glass wall. I wanted to watch her swim but I couldn't really be in there.
The glass wall was perfect. It gave me the distance I needed and let Z play so that I could just sit there are figure out how I am going to do this.

I kept looking at her in the pool. I took a few pictures even but every time I let my mind wander, I saw her go under.

I am not sure I will ever get that image out of my head. I don't know if there will ever be a time that I can watch her in the water and not see her eyes close and her hands stop moving... I just don't know. But if I could change anything in my life, it would be this. I have always said I have no regrets in my life and there have been a lot of moments I could have lived without.

But no regrets, except that one time I looked away.

Roof chicken.

I have been getting a lot of pity looks lately. Maybe it is because I look like absolute shit or maybe it is because people feel that I need it?

I don't.

People ask how long Eddie has been gone, or I just share the stats for conversation purposes and it is instantly a pity party. And I LOVE parties!

But not this kind of party.

It's startling, I'll admit, when you hear that he will be with us for 9 days out of approx. 270 (who's counting? HA!) but it is what we do. It is who we are right now. It is not easy, it's hard and it sucks but it is, for better or worse, all we know.

Damn, that sounds depressing.

I often think how much in common we have with military families but then I pull those thoughts back because to say what we are doing is remotely like what they are doing is just wrong. Similar in the tiniest way and that is still nothing. I can't imagine but I can imagine they get the pity party too. And I would have to say that they knew what they were getting into as well.

Anyway-

I appreciate concern and help. I am never one to shy away from a friend who likes to lend a hand or an ear. Even those who shower us with love, be it mail, food or alcohol, I will always be thankful and grateful.

I just don't want your pity.

I don't get to wake up next to my husband every day.
This is true.
I don't get to go on a date with him. Ours consist of Facetime and phone calls, sometimes at 2 a.m. so I can get a chance to talk- kids need their FT too.

I do 100% of the parenting 90% of the time and even though sometimes I feel like I am doing everything wrong, pleasing seemingly no one, looking a mess.

Don't feel sorry for me.

Because this is my life. This is what I am choosing to do with it and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Right now.
There are things that are starting to make me wonder if we are doing it right, and so begins our next journey. I need to come up with a cool thing to call "it". The word "journey" is forever attached to the cheesy band (I'm not hating on your bad choice in music) so that is not right. "Adventure" sounds like we are going to the jungle and "next step" sounds like I am going back to rehab.
None of these fit the bill. It'll come to me...

So when you are thinking about your friend who's life is much different than yours but they are happy and healthy- don't give them sad eyes. Sometimes the most insane things for us are quite perfect for another.

www.kickme.com

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

From Teen Mom to Kelle Hampton and all the bitches that hate

Sitting down tonight I am thinking too much about other peoples lives. I guess it is fitting because my life is so up in the air right now. Well, not really, there is just so much change coming down the pike, there is a lot going down, so I am spending some much needed "me" time doing what society does best- judging other people!

I'm more observing. I realize everyone is trying to do their best and find their way (to where?) but I can't help but be sad at all the hate.

And mad! I'm mad at all the hate. These faceless people would never walk up to you and speak their mind (because they are totally whack shit crazy) but that's not cool. If you can't say it to my face, or better yet, behind my back (where I am none the wiser) why, why, WHY would you do it at all?

In my quest to find information about growing my blog audience, I ran across all kinds of stuff. I was looking for Mommys, bloggers, designers, you name it, I was reading about it.

I heard about Kelle Hampton a while ago. I read her story and I see her photos on IG but I had no idea how many people hate her. They call themselves "Kelle Haters". It's really scary. The way they judge not only her parenting and decision to share with the world her daughter Nella (who has downs syndrome) but they are judging what she does for a living. They are judging the clothing she puts on her kids, the fact that she posts pictures of them... it's barbaric. They don't like the way she speaks about her daughters using the word "sister" and they hate how she says "rock"... I don't like little kid shirts that say "Princess" OR "Rock n roll" but can you imagine the insanity if I got on other Mom blogs and told them how dumb they are for putting their kids in shirts that say such generic things?? Cray-zay.

The things I read on her blog and in comments were SO mean. They were over the line and I just don't understand it. I don't understand why they would pick this woman, why her? She was a blogger that wrote a book and is living a seemingly beautiful life and they tear her down. The gross part is they are on her site and the trolls find each other and then blow up the comments so anyone who is writing to thank Kelle or share an experience... well, don't bother. I can't imagine she scrolls through all that garbage to find the good. My guess is she has the good right next to her, in the form of her husband, her daughters and her new baby son.

I hope she doesn't read it. I hope she doesn't listen to the crap, it could not be any less important.

But I have to wonder, why? Why do we find it our business to do that to someone. Who gave us the power to decide it is okay to take this person and say things you wouldn't ever want said about you?
I can't imagine she would ever take back the fact that her daughter has DS. I can't say she would trade her for a "healthy" child. I don't know that. It's not something you ask for or plan for but when it is laying in your lap... I can't imagine you would want anyone else.

  I feel the same way about the Teen Moms. I don't know what person in their right mind would wish this life on a teenager, but once they are there- why do we hate them? Why are people out there creating blogs and websites to show the hate for them? They are screwed! Lets face it, (and laugh a teenie tiny bit at the pun) they have a hard enough life (most of them seemingly in very dysfunctional relationships with their BF/GF and their parents. Most of the parents had them as teenagers... it's an apple and a tree people...

But I worry. I know that my child, who is not a teenager yet and hopefully NEVER a teen parent, would be heartbroken to read crap about him online (that is why he doesn't have a FB or a Kik or a Ask page- that is for another post. If your child has an Ask or a Kik, get rid of that shit). He is sensitive and maybe more than a lot of them but if he were reading some of the things that people say about these Teen Moms, he would be suicidal. They take no consideration that these kids are KIDS! And the Mom's they are all dealing with Baby blues and postpartum depression... I can't imagine the equivalent of hate mail by the thousands. After I had Zeke, if someone told me I looked "tired" (aka your look like shit) I would have backhanded them or cried for 3 hours).

Children having children is not new. We have been having sex and getting pregnant for a loooooong time. These kids do not lead glamorous lives (although I have sickly thought about the show that mixes "My Super Sweet 16" with "Teen Mom" like have the first show and then 9 months later...
Anyway, why we gotta be so mean?

Maybe I am getting soft in my old age. Maybe I need to get a real job? Maybe I need to council kids? OR maybe we should put into action my "fixed at birth" plan. Let stop circumcising (which does nothing for the kids health) and start tying testicles? Why not? If you had to be prepared and wanting a child, wouldn't that make it much easier? When you are, whatever age, and you could afford to untie your balls because you and whomever wanted to have a child, then make an appointment. Am I right?
I would say tie the tubes but we go through enough and let's face it the guy has absolutely no physical part in anything except the deed. This would not only keep unwanted pregnancies from happening, you would have to be financially ready (kids are expensive, kids!) BUT it would even the score... a little.

Ahhh... you're welcome. And good morning.

Had to tell her.

I had to tell my daughters doctor about her scare. It was rough reliving it. In person, especially. 

I wrote the blog entry about it and have just been dealing with my anxiety, quietly and waiting for myself to get over it. 

Today, as I retold the horrifying story, I realized (even though I said I would never get over it) that I really will NEVER get over it. 

Never. 

Damn.

12 things about myself

I'll play along.

1. It is really hard to talk about myself. My real self. The one that I apparently only let some people know. I'm friendly but complex. My life doesn't always make sense to the average bear.

2. I can't stand when people talk about themselves all of the time. If we leave the restaurant or hang up the phone and you didn't ask about me, my family or my life- you are out of the deal. See above.

3. I am a really, really good Mother. I believe that to my core. I have never felt so natural in all my life, in 37 years of living in this world, doing anything but this. I was meant to do this.

4. I feel like I gave up a big part of who I might have been, to have a child. I had hopes and dreams that had nothing to do with a baby. I am so glad I did this.

5. I now have a fear of water. Even seeing pictures of people swimming, or swimming on TV. It didn't happen right away, a couple weeks after the accident. It's palpable. I hate it and have to see someone about it.

6. A few years ago I was desperate for a real friend. Someone that I could count on and be there for. Someone like I never had, well since having kids. I wrote about it. I put it out in the universe and I got her.

7. At 7 years of being married, we almost got divorced. Like, really really. Best thing I never did.

8. When I married my husband, I thought it wouldn't last. I believed everyone who told us we were crazy, I was completely content with crazy and thought it sounded fun.

9. I'm 99% sure I am done having babies.

10. I went to rehab when I was 16.

11. I had "Daddy issues" when I was growing up. It wasn't until my husband showed me what a Dad really was, that I realized he was the only Dad I needed in my life. The kind of Father he is to our kids is beyond what anyone could have been for me (if they had ever actually tried).

12. Next year we are going to do something completely crazy, life changing and toe curling-ly fun. And all I can think is that I hope it doesn't mean I will die at age 76. #midlifecrisis