Saturday, February 11, 2012

Pregnancy makes me cry,

I remember when I was at the end of my pregnancy with Quattro, Eddie and I were watching some relatively dumb movie. I mean, maybe it wasn't but I feel like it was an "eh" movie-
anyway there was this scene at the end or near the end when the lady loses her baby. It was "She's Having a Baby" or something 80's cheesy like that...
Up until that moment, in my then 23 years of life, I had never felt what I felt. As the scene was happening I felt my body get hot and my chin start to shake-  I was kinda scared, I wasn't sure what was going on. Labor? It was very primal. I had never done "primal".
I walked to the bathroom and burst into tears. Like BURST! I was out of control sad. It was this feeling I can only equate with like seeing someone die in front of you.  Someone that you loved desperately. 
I was fucked.
I didn't know what was going on. I was hiding from my husband. I was trying to hide from myself. I just couldn't stop crying, inside my head was like this speeding loop of my life. It was fucking ridiculous.
But now, 12 years later I know all about that feeling. It doesn't only happen from a scene in a movie but for some reason, that does tend to set it off. I think the quiet, "in your head" space you are physically and mentally in while you are watching a movie makes it easier to target you. You are vulnerable when you are watching movies. You don't even have to be watching a good one.
It makes me feel bad for men. I mean, maybe they disagree but I don't think you can have that rush, that feeling- there are no describing words to give you even a remotely good idea of what I mean. Unless you have had a child, I really do not think you can go "there". And maybe that is good, I mean, it is a crazy place. Only for a second, but it's pure insanity.
It dies down when you are not pregnant but once you carry that little thing, once you have a life develop- it's on like Donkey Kong. It's got you.
And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe anyone can go there. Maybe adopted Mothers have it. Hell, maybe Fathers have it too. I don't know. I'm not judging. I had never felt anything like it and now that I am a Mother of, well, basically 3 I can see it all connected.
The "Mom-dar" that I have, it is so strong and drives me crazy sometimes- but it's there. It's part of this primal notion that I am forever on the edge of my seat. I will never again have it be just me. There is no "just me" and that is a really crazy thing. There are no moments in my life that are just mine. And I am absolutely good with that.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Your son is gifted...

but not that gifted.
Here is my appeal letter. One I never had a thought I'd write until I found out my son doesn't have a chance in hell of getting into a program that will best suit his learning abilities. I am sending it out into the abyss that is this blog because that shit makes me feel better and because I'm a writer and I haven't had anything to write about in ages. 
This morning after I got off the phone with the very blunt Enrollment center lady, I was sitting at the table with the news that my son had tested into a gifted program but not quite the one he needed to get into to get a leg up. So why test? Why have this hang over my head? Why have 2 groups of smart kids? Why not just one. The gifted and the not. 
I am in the "not" category (I had to spell check the word "category", no shit) but my son is- why are you telling me he needs to apply like every other Joe, even though you asked him to take a test to state he isn't "Joe"? Hmm? I ask you "why?" On second thought- never mind.

My name is Jessika D and I am writing to appeal for my son Edward D #....

I feel like getting the letter stating he tested high on the MSP was a win for us. He’s a smart kid. In the original letter it said we should think about having him tested in the CogAT, a test I knew nothing about.

Having a child in the public school system has been good to us. We have fought for him when we weren’t happy with a direction (changing schools after kindergarten) and let him rise to the top, by himself, on all the rest.

When I received the letter with his results that he was “eligible as a student who is academically gifted and qualified to enroll in the Spectrum Program”, I was beyond thrilled, I thought he would be on his way to bigger and better things than what a traditional learning school could offer him.

I don’t have any fancy testing to give you. I have never called any group to have my genius son tested, nor have I ever asked him to be a part of a test that would result in such accolades. I do not believe he is a genius. I do believe, however, that he is a child that would not only benefit from such a program as APP but I think he would give that program something back.

My son is not socially delayed, as described in a APP description on the Seattle Schools website. I knew so little about these programs, I did my research. I read every word. I didn’t want him to end up in the unknown, I needed to know where he was headed, if he did in fact receive scores 98% or higher on his CogAT.

He did not, but he came close.

He was accepted into the Spectrum program but after some lengthy phone calls to Enrollment and Adv Learning, I have learned that he is not even guaranteed a spot in his area school, let alone the school we would like for him, which is not our area school. This to me is a waste of great potential.

I am appealing because his scores were good. They were really good. In reading his MAP is a 95 and MSP was 94. In Math he received a 96 on his MAP test. For APP he needed a 95% or higher. On his CogAT, his high was 93.

I would never send my child into something I think he’d fail at. Not because I’m afraid for him to fail, but I do believe in fighting for him and this is what I hope I am doing. I believe wherever he ends up will be where he is destined to be but I also believe that sometimes you need to be given a chance. Destiny and testing can only get you so far.

I know someone will have to give him a chance to let him be accepted into this program. I realize his scores did not qualify him but this test can’t tell you the amount of drive and capacity this child has. He is a sponge. He is smart and unique and will no doubt become a more successful person if given a chance to run with this crowd.

Thank you for reading my appeal.

Jessika D mother of Edward D