Saturday, February 11, 2012

Pregnancy makes me cry,

I remember when I was at the end of my pregnancy with Quattro, Eddie and I were watching some relatively dumb movie. I mean, maybe it wasn't but I feel like it was an "eh" movie-
anyway there was this scene at the end or near the end when the lady loses her baby. It was "She's Having a Baby" or something 80's cheesy like that...
Up until that moment, in my then 23 years of life, I had never felt what I felt. As the scene was happening I felt my body get hot and my chin start to shake-  I was kinda scared, I wasn't sure what was going on. Labor? It was very primal. I had never done "primal".
I walked to the bathroom and burst into tears. Like BURST! I was out of control sad. It was this feeling I can only equate with like seeing someone die in front of you.  Someone that you loved desperately. 
I was fucked.
I didn't know what was going on. I was hiding from my husband. I was trying to hide from myself. I just couldn't stop crying, inside my head was like this speeding loop of my life. It was fucking ridiculous.
But now, 12 years later I know all about that feeling. It doesn't only happen from a scene in a movie but for some reason, that does tend to set it off. I think the quiet, "in your head" space you are physically and mentally in while you are watching a movie makes it easier to target you. You are vulnerable when you are watching movies. You don't even have to be watching a good one.
It makes me feel bad for men. I mean, maybe they disagree but I don't think you can have that rush, that feeling- there are no describing words to give you even a remotely good idea of what I mean. Unless you have had a child, I really do not think you can go "there". And maybe that is good, I mean, it is a crazy place. Only for a second, but it's pure insanity.
It dies down when you are not pregnant but once you carry that little thing, once you have a life develop- it's on like Donkey Kong. It's got you.
And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe anyone can go there. Maybe adopted Mothers have it. Hell, maybe Fathers have it too. I don't know. I'm not judging. I had never felt anything like it and now that I am a Mother of, well, basically 3 I can see it all connected.
The "Mom-dar" that I have, it is so strong and drives me crazy sometimes- but it's there. It's part of this primal notion that I am forever on the edge of my seat. I will never again have it be just me. There is no "just me" and that is a really crazy thing. There are no moments in my life that are just mine. And I am absolutely good with that.

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