Sunday, January 8, 2017


I wrote this November 9, 2014 and after reading it again I learned two things.

1. I put everything I've got into something.

2. I have basically gone the farthest distance to nowhere.

I can't believe I'm not drinking rn. I would pour a glass of Bordeaux in a hot second.

I am reading every bit of information I can find about downsizing.
How to? (nobody tells you anything helpful), why? everyone has their own reasons, and what next? That's the big question.

For us, well- for me, I feel a bit like I am treading water. Like over the last few years we aren't saving any money, we aren't traveling, we aren't living a full life. We aren't together. That's my "why?".
The how and the what next is what I am living right now. And it is like being at the top of a roller coaster.

I remember the first time I ever went to a real amusement park. Cedar Point, with an old friend and we waited in line for this insane looking roller coaster which was, at the time, the tallest and fastest one in the world. I wanted to wait in the longest line to sit in the front row, my friend told me it was intense and any row would do- I just didn't see it like that. I figured if I am going to wait to ride, I am going to get the best seat in the house and recently I have realized that is my personality in a nutshell.  Like it or not, I am not going to waste anytime on something that isn't the best I can get. Maybe that is why when I turn around and look at where I have been it makes me really proud.

I guess the last couple of years have been ones that I felt missed the mark a little. I did feel I was sacrificing and that is also my "why?". I am proud that I have held down to fort with three kids and my husband has been out there chasing  his dream but I realize that this isn't what I want to be doing. I don't want to live the life of a single Mother, although I had a really good one raise me, I am not interested in seeing how tough I am in this arena. It sucks. It's hard and I feel my dreams are so tangible right now. I can feel that thing that they talk about in counseling sessions in high school. I am 20 years past high school and I am finally getting it. That is another thing about me- I'm slow at the giddie up.

Give me comfort and give me soup!

Super easy, one pot, no hassle.

I like to have a roast chicken at ALL times. It sounds silly but if you have a roast chicken (and you not a veg) you have a really good meal on your hands.

The other night, Whole 30 was kicking my ass. Soccer is in full swing, they practice seemingly 127 times a week and I am a single Mum again this month- so shit is hitting the fan, but we still gotta eat!

I sliced (so much better than a dice in a soup, don'tcha agree?)
One half of a sweet onion
Dice 3 carrots
1 can on tom
1 quart of homemade *chicken stock
And steamed, sautéed or fresh veggies you like- I added steamed green beans
Fresh, thin sliced kale, as much or as little as you like.
1/2 can of pumpkin
coconut cream from the top on one can coconut milk
curry powder
thyme shredded chicken

Cook the onion and carrot (and any other hard veggie you are adding) in some coconut oil until it is about translucent. About 7 minutes, add spices, taste- add more curry :)

IF I wasn't on the Whole 30, I would add about a cup of white wine and cook it out- but on W30, I sprinkle with coconut amino and a bit of vinegar, 1/2 cup water and put the lid on- it takes less than 10 minutes to absorb the water.

After that add the tom, I crush with my hands, then the pumpkin, stock and remaining veg. Replace the lid off set, so it doesn't boil over- cook on med for anywhere from 10-30 minutes. Depends on how much time you have.

Toss in the sliced kale, shredded chicken and coconut cream and you are good to go.

* When you buy/cook a whole chicken, after you picked the meat off, throw it in the crock pot, cover it with water add some veg and let it slow cook itself into a beautiful broth. Sometimes I will throw a carcass in the freezer (sounds morbid) and save it for when I have time. Sometimes if I am home I cook it on the stove for 4-5 hours, because the smell is amazing. Anyway, if you do this, freeze it. Buy those restaurant containers, the big tall, round ones and stock up on stock. I drink it by itself, heated up in a mug- it's a meal replacement and always, always better than the shit in the store. I promise it is really easy too.

Time to wake up.

Do you hear that?
Yeah, me either- but that is the sound of life happening and I am about done ignoring it.
Maybe not just yet, but soon... soon I will be done licking my wounds, and I too will join you all in the world.

I gave myself a lot of slack. I think women don't usually do that. But I did. What can I say? I'm a trail blazer, or better yet, I am really in tune with myself. That's something we get from growing up. If you're lucky.

I'm dusting off my heart and opening my mind to my new normal. Sometimes I am still back there, in the place that I wanted so very much to be in. Traveling, being with family, seeing the world. I wanted to be in that space as my kids were growing, teaching them the art of togetherness and how to make change at truck stops. The little things.

I think having kids in the big city makes you either want to never leave because well... how can you afford to? Or it makes you want to get out while you can. I did the latter. Sometimes I regret- yeah, I know everyone says "no regrets" blah blah blah, but fuck that. I have a lot of regrets. I regret the first... ehh, I'll save all of that for another day. Anyway, yeah, I have regrets and sometimes when my mind goes back to the very moment I had the idea, the moment I bought the Airstream- I think like if I had to do it over again, would I?

I guess that is the good thing about no take backs. You get to live in your choices and learn and pfffffrrrrtttt. Whatever.

Anyway, so what's next? Million dollar question.