Going back home has always been a weird, double edged sword for me.
I make the plans, the excitement builds, or the anxiety that masks itself as excitement builds- and then I am here. The family and the familiarity is immeasurable. Anyone who has a good, solid family or even portions of one knows that you would never trade it.
But there is a reason why you left.
I feel out of place. I feel judged and when I act like myself, which is pretty much all the time (like it or not) I tend to feel that I am perceived in a way that I don't feel other places. It's hard to put my finger on it really, but at the end of the day, I feel exhausted maybe even slightly defeated and I work too fucking hard on my life to feel defeated.
I am often left feeling like I am not allowed to feel this way too and that is when I know the time has come for me to move along. And that is alright with me.
I wonder if my kids will feel this way about Seattle? I can't imagine that but maybe it's possible. If so, I hope that I can get them to stop by and say "hi" to their Mama and then shove off and return to or continue to find the place that makes them feel alive and well because that is what parents want for their kids.