The hardest part.

If you are new to town, you should go back a few posts and see what's up.
I am in the middle of a reinvent. It's good stuff.

We have been going through the roller coaster of emotions with this move. Maybe all moves are but this one feels epic. This one is the first one in 10 and a half years, so maybe I have enough time in between to forget. Maybe it's designed like childbirth- instant amnesia?

One minute I am feeling invigorated, the next depleted and then almost instantly- elated.
It's weird thing, letting yourself go through them all and knowing you can't get stuck on any one emotion because you will fucking die. Ha! It seems you might because it can be suffocating at times but mostly I am reminding myself that life is a full of ups and downs and the best thing to do is to hold on, look ahead and find the horizon. No matter the pile of shit at your feet (quite literally sometimes).

One thing my husband does better than me (please, no one tell him)- he is an optimist to the end.
He will hold no grudge, no ill will, he isn't bothered by todays disaster because tomorrow can bring you anything you want. Sometimes I tell him how crazy he is, how irresponsible it is to be so optimistic but he is right. I am cautious and sometimes not as free as I once was. I am a cool cat but I fear the worst, expect things to fall apart yet I take comfort in knowing how to turn nothing into something, if I have to.  We are made for each other really, that is something I realize day to day but the problem here is he isn't here to cheer us (me) on. He can't come to my rescue when I am overwhelmed and tell me to give it a rest. He isn't here to help, oh man- I wish I had his help.

So this is all for me. This is for me to sort through, literally and figuratively. I guess this is part of my story. This is a journey that I need to take alone for some reason and I am apparently up for the challenge. I know I can do it but oh. my. god. do I wish I had his help. I have moments when I am freed by packing things up and donating them to less fortunate. I find happiness even in taking our beautiful things and giving them away to people who really, really need them but then I get a sick feeling. What if it is all wrong? What if I am doing it wrong? What if it is all wrong?

I have doubts. They sneak in and I have to battle them alone. That is not what marriage is about but for now, I am left to do this alone and I guess the weight comes from what if it is a mistake? Then I am to blame, alone. That's the part that sucks. Being on a team yet knowing if we lose- it's on me.

Does that make me the quarterback? I am not into sports but I think that's the guy with the most heat.

We aren't only moving. We aren't just taking a trip, we are re-evaluating ourselves, our lives and our story. Everything. It would be simple to move and see if that "helps". We have done that before. After Quattro was born we traveled Europe for 2 months and when we came home we knew something had to be different. Coming back to our lives inside the four walls we called "home" suddenly wasn't interesting. Now I know that moving wasn't what we were looking for, but our move to So. Cal was a blast. We took the trip for which memories and songs were made, but pretty much as soon as we got there, we knew it wasn't what we were after.  Looking back, I realize what we were after was not living in a new zip code, it wasn't getting new friends or visiting old ones. It wasn't needing to be closer to family, although that was a perk- I think what we were after then is what we are after now but being more seasoned as parents and as adults, we can now allow ourselves to go after it. And I believe that "it" is travel, seeing, living, being ourselves. We are lucky to have jobs that don't make us  be in one place. I remember we would discuss that very fact and our eyes would sparkle in awe. We can do this anywhere.

So why haven't we?

When I met Eddie he was traveling a lot but not like he does now. It was fun and exciting and the downtime we had was usually riddled with hangovers and late movie dates across the street from our Wallingford home. We had no responsibilities and we enjoyed it but when we became parents everything and nothing changed. It has taken us 13 years to figure that out.

I don't miss the days of no responsibility. I truly enjoy watching myself learn with these people we have created. I like looking at who they are, who they are becoming and I think this move has a lot to do with them. I don't wish for them to spend 30+ years in fear of anything.

What if?

Someone once wrote "if you stay in the same place long enough, you never go anywhere" and I think I like this a lot. We are exactly the same people we have always been but what we have stopped doing has made us long for something we could never put our finger on. We need to travel, to see the world and living in the four walls of our home (5th since Wallingford days) still isn't doing the trick.

So that's a pretty heavy revaluation. For me anyway. To know that what you were looking for 13 years ago is what you are still looking for today.

Wow.

Like our hairstyles, what we have wanted and needed has changed through those years but the fundamentals are the same. I guess they probably are for everyone and that is helpful to know but we should never forget that time is the only thing we can never, ever get back. So the time is now-

Parenting 10fuck you.

There's a lot of chatter about parenting advice blogs. About how there are too many, most are fucking stupid and practically all of them are getting paid through ad's to get the idiotic message to you- the consumer of bullshit advice from people that probably don't have kids. Or don't raise them themselves or just suck as humans.

This is not one of them. I just spelled "advice" wrong both times in that last paragraph. If you take anything away from my blog, don't let it be advice of either the spelling, grammar or parenting. This is merely a way for you to waste 5 minutes as you sign into your work computer and pretend to start your day. This is for you, sucka.

Why do people assume they know dick about what you do or what works for your family?
I am always, ALWAYS under the impression that I don't know shit about other peoples lives. That I could not AND would not want to live their life, so the last thing I am going to do is talk shit about the way they are doing it.

Lately it has been coming to my attention that I am being judged. Left and motherfucking right.
Ya, I know, "who cares?" and all of that and for the most part I agree. Who cares?
Well. Me.
Now I care.
Someone told me one time (my therapist) that if something that someone else says bothers you, you are probably feeling guilt about it. That maybe there is a shred of truth in what they are saying.

She was a bitch and I never went back.

I think the human mind can only put up with so much. We are not equipped to hold our tongue forever. It's not natural.

But lets not get off point here.
What I am talking about is that there are people in our lives, all of us, who do not agree with what we are doing in life. They find it their business to speak out to let you know that you are making a mistake, that you are doing it wrong and I just want to stand against that. I want everyone to know that unless you came out of my vagina- you have no say in what I do. None. Nothing. Fuck off.

Spaghetti Family

As I put the finishing touches on out Twitter and Instagram feeds tonight, I am not only super tired, I am super stoked.
What is happening in our lives (and in many lives) has come from a 5 minute conversation I had with my husband, over the phone on less than glamorous, venerable morning. I was just thinking about how we do things and how they are fine but the amount of things he was missing and the amount of travel we were missing... it just didn't add up that morning. And I am happy to say that months later, it still doesn't add up. We are starring at a calendar that has him leaving in February and unpacking in June.
That morning I just started talking about how we need to get back together more and that there must be an easier way. He agreed, he loves his life, he loves to tour but missing the things in our kids lives, it is hard to justify sometimes. In our weaker moments, we wonder "what the fuck are we doing?!" But lately in our more sound moments, we are still missing each other so much, it is palpable.
Well, what we came up with may or may not turn out to be easier, but I do know that it is turning out to be such a cool thing for us. For all of us. Even the little ones are getting in on the action. Well, not the baby but Elvis, our 4 year old is loving the idea of the trailer. Being with her Daddy though, that's what she is loving.
We are all planning and working together. Our daily conversations are thick with "next year" and "in the trailer"... it's all still a mystery but isn't that what we all need? Isn't that what so many of us are missing?
Maybe not. Maybe we are in fact totally crazy but I'll take it. Having seen my husband 9 days in 7 months this past year was enough to make a change.
There are so many things that we will miss, that we take advantage of now but I am looking forward to that. Looking forward to seeing what is necessary in our lives, what we are doing/spending/wasting in our day to day. We are all looking forward to a more simple life, homeschooling and seeing the country together and who can forget the live music. Touring is something that I have always enjoyed and used to be a part of.

I invite you to come join us on our podcast http://www.itunes.com/podcast/spaghettifamily

And to pop over to our website http://www.spaghettifamily.com

We are http://www.twitter.com/thespaghettis

Thank you!

Roof chicken.

I have been getting a lot of pity looks lately. Maybe it is because I look like absolute shit or maybe it is because people feel that I need it?

I don't.

People ask how long Eddie has been gone, or I just share the stats for conversation purposes and it is instantly a pity party. And I LOVE parties!

But not this kind of party.

It's startling, I'll admit, when you hear that he will be with us for 9 days out of approx. 270 (who's counting? HA!) but it is what we do. It is who we are right now. It is not easy, it's hard and it sucks but it is, for better or worse, all we know.

Damn, that sounds depressing.

I often think how much in common we have with military families but then I pull those thoughts back because to say what we are doing is remotely like what they are doing is just wrong. Similar in the tiniest way and that is still nothing. I can't imagine but I can imagine they get the pity party too. And I would have to say that they knew what they were getting into as well.

Anyway-

I appreciate concern and help. I am never one to shy away from a friend who likes to lend a hand or an ear. Even those who shower us with love, be it mail, food or alcohol, I will always be thankful and grateful.

I just don't want your pity.

I don't get to wake up next to my husband every day.
This is true.
I don't get to go on a date with him. Ours consist of Facetime and phone calls, sometimes at 2 a.m. so I can get a chance to talk- kids need their FT too.

I do 100% of the parenting 90% of the time and even though sometimes I feel like I am doing everything wrong, pleasing seemingly no one, looking a mess.

Don't feel sorry for me.

Because this is my life. This is what I am choosing to do with it and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Right now.
There are things that are starting to make me wonder if we are doing it right, and so begins our next journey. I need to come up with a cool thing to call "it". The word "journey" is forever attached to the cheesy band (I'm not hating on your bad choice in music) so that is not right. "Adventure" sounds like we are going to the jungle and "next step" sounds like I am going back to rehab.
None of these fit the bill. It'll come to me...

So when you are thinking about your friend who's life is much different than yours but they are happy and healthy- don't give them sad eyes. Sometimes the most insane things for us are quite perfect for another.