Saturday, July 31, 2010

Post break up blues?

Man, I am feeling so "eh" today.
I may be coming down with something. I feel tired in a "I want to be in bed all day" and usually I am a sleep in, get moving kinda girl, but today I'm feeling gloomy almost.
I told Eddie I was feeling weird and he just kinda blew me off. That's the thing about Eddie. He is the sweetest guy and would do anything for me, as long as I am not feeling sick. He doesn't handle it well, like I think he just gets buried in the "things I will have to do to take her place for now" thought and he loses sympathy for me, he just wants me to feel better... now.
But I don't. I haven't gotten much sleep lately, that could be it. I usually go about two weeks before it catches up with me. I am an insomniac and I always have been, you'd think I'd figure something out.
Anyway, I am going to take a nap now, maybe I will feel better when I get up.

Reading sucks.

I had an epiphany tonight.
As Eddie puts Q to bed, I think about turning in and going upstairs to get all cozy in our bed and read some more of my favorite book, "Home Game". That's when I realize I finished it this morning. Ugh! It totally sucks. I was really into it, I loved getting into bed at night and reading a little and then waking up and reading it some more. Man, I'm bummin' out.
Eddie said "finishing a good book is like losing a good friend" and I stop and think
A. he is so gawd damn right
B. this is why I love this guy, he's brilliant.

Friday, July 30, 2010

In the beginning.

I had left my ex boyfriends house so excited about the show, I called Heidi up and said "we are going to see the Supersuckers tonight!". And that was that, we were going. I don't even remember her asking any questions, we were good like that.
I had stopped at his house (my old place) to get some stuff out of the basement. I am guessing when we broke up I left in a hurry. It's all a little foggy but I do remember a night (no doubt one of the last in that place) where he was grabbing handfuls of my clothes and throwing them on the front lawn (classic!) and my best friend was sainted that night, as she would follow behind him, pick the shit up and bring it back in the bedroom. This went on forever it seemed, I was distraught, unstable and most likely scratching my arms from wrist to elbow. Hey, it was the 90's, I was constantly intoxicated, medicated and depressed. Anyway, my ex was there, he was always weird around me since the split. I think he tried to act like he didn't care about me, hoping things would change, but I was a real hot mess. I don't think "unstable" begins to describe where I was, mentally, so he was smart to distance himself.
He watched in silence as I removed the boxes. At this point I was enjoying being on my own, I wanted nothing to do with him or any other guy. I needed to find out who I was, stop drinking so much and lay off the cocaine. As I was leaving I told him thanks for letting me get my shit, and then he said "are you going to the show tonight?" I wasn't aware of any show, truth be told, I was winding down from the scene, I had spent many a drunken night at some club smoking myself to death and drinking 5 o'clock vodka by the fifth...
he says "the Supersuckers are playing" and that moment felt like a little bit of fate had stepped in, if I hadn't gone there that day, everything would be different.
It was always kind of "our" band. When I met him in AZ he wore this classic cracked logo Tshirt of theirs. I was unaware of the band when we met, but when he played one of their records for me I was hooked. It was the best thing I ever heard, it was instantly my favorite band. We were all heavy into crusty punk and for some reason it never really spoke to me. I liked it because it was who I rebelled with, when I became aware of the scene I went there, 100%. I wanted to belong to something my Mother didn't understand and more importantly- hated.
Okay back to my night, September 9, 1999.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Why is the Subaru the "Seattle car"? It's weird.
At every turn I see a Subaru, usually with a bunch of stickers on the inside of the back seat window... no judgement, (heh heh heh) but it's odd I think.
Speaking of odd, um "Toddlers and Tiaras" anyone? This show is fucking cccccccccrazy! I just saw a Mom put mascara on her boy? I mean, either way, boy or girl, these kids shouldn't be wearing mascara, they all look like little strippers and pimps. It makes me uncomfortable but I can't stop watching! I'm like on my second glass on wine and I don't have to work tomorrow and it looks like it might be a god damn marathon people! Eddie and Q are in the kitchen doing a Wimpy Kid puzzle, Elvis is fast a sleep and Mama is going to get comfy and watch this train wreck.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Back-ups, baby.

I got to the studio one day last week and Eddie asked if I would do some back up vocals. I am was a little like "... um, no." but then I remembered I really do like to sing. Even though I KNOW I'M NOT A SINGER. So when you hear it, which you will- you should, you really should buy it when it comes out (don't worry I will let you know when it's coming) don't beat me up. I am sure Eddie's "fans" will they LOVE to talk crap, it's cool though.
Anyway... I like to sing. I do it in the car (never in the shower, does anyone?) all the time and at home in the kitchen, while I am cooking, I totally belt the songs out, but not with any confidence and not when anyone is here, except Q, I sing for him, it makes him laugh.
Well I did it, I sang back up on two or three songs and I've definitely improved since "Bubble Gum & Beer" my backups stank on that one but I have forgiven myself. I really liked being there to help "produce" Q's song too. Dave and Eddie were laughing at me because I kept having Q sing the end of this song over because I knew he could go bigger and in the end (5 takes) he nailed it, he totally nailed it.
Right now I am battling with myself. I didn't sleep at all last night and at like 7 I was wide awake and had to work at 9- the baby is way into nursing still, even more so the last few days, she skipped her lunch and dinner and nursed me to death, I feel like I could go eat a second dinner... maybe another ice cream sandwich? Eddie makes the best ones.
I really want to take something to make me sleep but I have to work tomorrow and I don't feel like feeling all groggy... wine? Okay.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


What a rush! Quattro recorded his song "When Do I Go?" at Litho today and it was amazing!!
He performed it during his talent show and Eddie decided to have him record it for his record. It's so cool!! I can't wait for this record to come out. I even did some back-ups which is always as fun as you think.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm bored.

I feel like I need to do something. There needs to be a change, I am getting random extreme thoughts of putting everything in storage and renting a house far, far away.
It's hard to believe that I have a 10 month old and I am already like "what's next?". I didn't feel that way after Q for a long time, but this time is different. She is great, obviously, she is everything a baby should be she fits well into our world but I need something more. I would love to figure it out without jumping ship, throwing everything into one of those "PODS" but I am not against it.
I am hoping that next year brings more travel, I think that is what it is. I have been home for the better part of the last year and that is the first time in almost 11 years. I am no good here day after day, I feel a little ADD, like I keep thinking of things to do, places, projects, AHHHH.
But I am happy, these feelings are not met with desperation, more just curiosity of what's next.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm in charge.

So Eddie goes back to work this week. I am a little nervous. I have gotten so used to him being around, I mean, since practically Elvis was born he has been around. It's nice to have him, I never have to do dishes, I don't have to clean the cat box, you know all the things that we all hate to do, he doesn't... if he does he does it all with a smile. Besides my life just being a little easier, I have really liked having him around all the time. I can barely imagine him going on tour... that will be tough. It's weird, our whole lives together (almost 11 years!) he has toured relentlessly and now I can't imagine it. But the baby, she loves him and Q he really enjoys waking up every day and seeing his face, I just know it is going to be something that we all have to relearn, I'm not excited about it.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Happy birthday to me.

So 34 years in and I am learning some things about myself. Hey, maybe I always knew them but now I actually like these things about me. Not that I was ever one of those self deprecating individuals, this I am not, but ever since I can remember I have always been on the quasi quest of "who am I and why am I here?". For reals. I have.
I know that I am funny, this is something I remember always finding easy. I do make some jokes at your expense but only if I love you. If I don't like you, you are not worth crackin wise at, I'm just not into it. 
I'm a "right brain" so I am messy. I have too many ideas and things I want to do and maybe I feel like I am always running out of time- time in a week, time in a day... maybe time in life? I don't know. I have a slight fear that I will die when I am not ready, this too I remember as a child. As soon as I figured out (because no, no one sat down and told me) that we all die, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I would be "next". Well, I wasn't but someday I will be and that, on occasion, scares the shit out of me.
I am willing to forgive for pretty much everything, except infidelity and crimes toward my kids. I am honest in knowing that we aren't perfect and I am okay with you anyway. Forgiveness can come in minutes or months but I will almost always make you beg for it.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Talk to me honey.

Over the last few days I have been thinking about conversations I have and the way that they go, the people they're with and I am seeing a trend. More and more I will be talking with someone and I will be in the middle of a story and I will get cut off and never be asked to pick back up where I was. You know, when your story spurs the other person and they chime in and have their little "side story" but then usually they will say "okay, sorry... continue" or you will just pick up where you left off when they are done.
Well lately it just happens that I will be talking and get interrupted and the other person won't even ask me to continue or worse yet, they won't even acknowledge that I was saying anything.
My old best friend (see post "She is leaving") used talk over and interrupt all the time but she would ALWAYS get back to my story, it was one of the things I really liked about her. She talked a LOT but not in that selfish way, she never didn't want to hear what you were saying. Hmmm, maybe I miss that ol' bitch... I do but I am ready to have a new BFF, I would really like to meet someone that is like where I'm at. Someone that has the sort of same thing going on in their lives, so we have something to talk about. Most of my friends are older, kids are grown (r they are too grown) and we are just in different worlds. I have a little baby and a 9 year old... maybe I need a gay husband. Like not another husband but his gay counterpart. That would be good.
Oh there I go getting sidetracked but at least I didn't cut you off!
I do wonder though, which is worse, getting interrupted and never finishing or calling your sister after not talking for a month and her not asking you one thing about your life?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Eyes up here.

I have never been very good at looking people in the eye when I'm talking to them. I know it's the thing to do but it seems too personal or something, uncomfortably intimate. I mean, with Eddie or the kids I'm okay but there's something about it that makes me feel weird.
I can't help but feel like I'll get locked into a stare and it will be too weird, maybe they'll be able to see into my soul. There's a strange feeling you get when you look at someone in the eyes. There is a moment you share with that person that I guess I am not too good at sharing.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Play dates a go-go

Today Quattro's best friend came over for a day of skateboarding, burger making and s'mores eating. I'd like to think that's the thing memories are made of. I want this summer to be special for him, I want to make sure he gets time to himself and that things are 9 year old fun and not always baby fun.
I'm working on the even scale thing. I don't need to be perfect, I just need to not fuck this up.

She is leaving...

er, I mean, she already left.
So my best friend of about 15 years up and moved about a month ago... maybe more, I am too busy to keep count.
We hadn't seen each other in about a month, she was elusive it seemed, I assumed she was dating someone new, she always kinda took off for a bit when a new guy came a long. It was just part of her, I eventually accepted that and anyway, all seemed pretty good between us. She bagged our plans maybe twice in that month, dinner at my place or a movie, which was usually me, I have two kids I can't always hold up my social plans, that is part of who I am.
One day I was walking around Home Depot and I sent her a text, I thought it had been long enough and we were back home from a trip, so I thought I would check in with her. After the obligatory "how's it going? I've been so busy" she asks if I had seen her facebook page, I hadn't and she said she was moving back "home".
I know we are grown ups, I know that she owes me nothing, I mean, I guess. I always thought we were best friends turns out, we weren't even really friends.
See we went to a bar one night (months prior) and evidently she made a joke about moving back to MI and I said "you'd move back there?" and that is when she decided that I would not be privy to know she was already knee deep in boxes. She is under the impression that I don't think MI is "cool" or something. I mean, what makes a place cool? I didn't realize I was so trivial. But small town people do that. Whenever I talk shit about where I am from, people there get all defensive, as if they created the damn place. I don't really care. I couldn't live in a lot of places, but I could also live in a lot of places... sorry, I am just getting side tracked, she really pissed me off.
So just like that. We exchanged a couple of emails, her feeling the victim and me sort of blind sided but the whole deal- I am happy she moved if that is where she wanted to be but I am so 
irritated about how she just sort of up and left. Who does that? 15 years, and that's it? Funny thing, that this kinda happened before, when I moved to Seattle, she sort of just fell off the side of the earth for a couple years, I was having a baby and she didn't give a shit, never even called me- years later we both put it all in the past and she moved to Seattle and I was a good friend. But it's not going to happen like that again. I had to explain to Q what happened to her and he was at a loss as well. He didn't understand it, kept saying "she just didn't say good bye?", I lied, I told him she told me to tell him "bye".

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Kim and I, backstage in England, summer '09.

Our mini Thunder snowman.
Eddie and Bam.
My favorite little man.
The Pineapple.

Puzzle pieces

I realized today that like Quattro, Elvis' head fits perfectly in that little nook of my shoulder, where my neck meets my collar bone. Even though it's slightly boney, it curves into a smooth like pillow, contoured to their sweet little heads when they cry, when they sleep.
They fit like my head does to Eddie's, it is as if we are all pieces of our own puzzle.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Whatcha readin' for?

We went to Barnes and Noble yesterday, mainly as an extension of our "get out of the heat" plan. We had lunch, went shopping then walked into the massive Q used to call "Barnes and Global"... anyway, I was looking for a place to sit down and feed the baby. 10 months old, still nursing, I know there are some people that think it's weird. Some think it is downright gross to see a woman nursing a baby but I don't really give a shit. Cover or no cover, a baby's gotta eat.
Q is off in the kid books, he loves to read, always has and Eddie, oddly enough, is in the parenting section. Now I didn't think too much of it at first, I was busy but later leaving the store I thought how awesome it was. Here's a guy, 43 years old, has a 9 year old and newly 10 month old (WOW) and he is still embracing the knowledge that is out there. Dude was getting his learn on. It was sexy. He picked up a book by a guy (whom I have forgotten his name*) that wrote "Blind Side" it is a journal of sorts that he wrote about each of his three daughters. Eddie stood there reading, seemingly, the entire thing and said "I'm going to get this" I was like "oh, weird, your new parenting guide?" and he said "not exactly, read the intro" then he grabbed the book from me, flipped the pages, excitedly and said "no, read this part", so I'm reading along it is about this guys' 6 and 3 year old swimming, blah blah and then the three year old yells (at some bratty boys in he pool) "YOU JUST SHUT UP YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE". And, we're hooked.

*"Home Game" by Michael Lewis

Monday, July 5, 2010

Ginger chicken

Make marinade in a large ziplock.

3 T fresh grated ginger (no substitute)
1/2 cup olive oil
2 T apple cider vinegar
3 t crushed garlic
1/4 cup diced onion (any kind)

3 chicken breasts
butterfly (cut in half)
slice diagonal strips lengthwise, about 1- 1 1/2" thick

Put chicken in ziplock and squish around. 
Refrigerate overnight or at least 4 hours
Soak skewers overnight too

Skewer each strip and BBQ. 
Don't flip too early, make sure you have dark grill marks so it won't stick.

Lentil salad

For Mom-
Lime dressing:
zest of one lime, make sure you wash it!
juice on one lime
1/3 cup olive oil
1 T honey, maple syrup or sugar if that's all you got
1 T sweet dried basil
salt, pepper

small dice one zucchini
small dice one roasted red pepper
5-7 basil leaves, sliced thin
3-4 cups cooked lentils (Trader Joe's sells them cooked to perfection, if you cook them yourself, don't overcook them)
4 T goat cheese, slice it then crumble

In a bowl mix the dressing up and toss in the zucchini, let it sit until you are done
Toss lentils with the rest of the salad mix, leaving out 1/2 of the cheese and a few strands of basil.
Mix in dressing and zucchini, top with the last of the cheese and basil.
Serve cold or room temp. 

Friday, July 2, 2010

I never read a parenting book cover to cover because of one simple reason- I don't believe that there is one philosophy, one way. I just don't think that's how it goes. Each child is different, requiring you to read yet another stack of, what I like to call "one idea", books.
I will happen upon an article or a piece of info from a conversation from a friend and then do a little research about the subject, only to find a concept that is nothing more than a pile of rules... and if there's one thing I don't like, it's being broke, um and rules, yeah, I don't like rules.
The whole idea of the "family bed", great idea, especially for us nursing mothers, it is a nice thought to have the baby laying next to you, only to wake up for a moment root around a bit then, "JACKPOT!". But what about when they are 4? Family bed? No thanks. And I guess I should say, although I like to think this goes without saying, that I am not judging. If it works for you, great. I'm only speaking of moi.
So the family bed. I get it, I like it. I wish, in ways, it worked for me. But I can't sleep, like really sleep with a baby in my bed, not to mention a thrashing 4 year old (or 9!) So parts of that concept are good for me, keep 'em close but not too close.
That brings me to the opposite method, "CIO" aka "cry it out". There is just NO way I could do it like they have it in the books. I read, from a "doctor", that you stretch the time out between going in an checking on your crying baby. Like 5, 10, 15 minutes... then it says crying for 30-90 minutes is not "uncommon" and also vomiting isn't unusual. Okay, I'm sorry- WHAT THE FUCK?? Are they suggesting that I leave my baby in their crib, check on them (it says to not pick them up) and if they are so hysterical that they barf I shouldn't think this is alarming? I don't know who this works for, for this I am going to take back the not judging part. If you are sleep "training" your baby and they cry so hard they throw up al over your crib, I judge you.
Anyway, this is what I am thinking about right now. All these "rules" and all the non-bendiness of the rules I read. Can't we just have a book that has a little bit of everything? Options from both sides (except from crazy, make your babies head spin around), all sides?
I sit here, with my 9 month old fast asleep with no one method to thank, and wonder.