Wednesday, December 10, 2014

15 years.


15 years ago I woke up early and jumped into a cab with this guy I barely knew. Up until that morning we lived together for less than a month in a house with his band. I had toured with him for a few weeks before that where I visited Nashville for the first time, hung out on Bourbon Street, ran wild in the clubs in LA and ate late night food trucks in San Francisco.

I had only flown a handful of times in my life and 2 of them were to see him. So that morning at the airport my nerves and excitement were dancing with each other on top of "are we being too crazy?". We actually asked each other that a few times. Like, we were adults (pretty much) and we felt the same sober as when we were fall down drunks. But like, were we crazy? Neither one of us could defend or deny this new adventure. We just didn't know anything about the thing we were planning on doing but we knew that the thought was the best high we had ever had.

The thought of what we were planning was everything. The excitement I felt knowing that I was going to continue to step out of my comfort zone with this guy, that he was experiencing something new as well- that was palpable. Since the second I met him I felt amazingly uncomfortable. He made me second guess and jump at the same time. I never knew that before him.

We had a pretty big secret heading to Vegas that day. I guess we both knew that it could have been a mistake but the best part about us is that we aren't afraid to fuck up. Something about doing it with him made me realize he was just as crazy as I was and instead of freaking me out, it made me feel calm. As calm as I could feel with the biggest secret of our lives hiding behind our smiling lips.

When we landed we separated from our friends for a reason. To get to the hotel and squeal! It was like holding our breaths. Not being able to tell anyone was torture. I have a big mouth- Eddie's is gigantic.

We hopped into a cab and off we went to the hotel. Or so we thought.
Our cabby, whom I could pick out of a lineup, started asking about our plans. Why were there, etc and we told him. He was the first person to know other than the two of us that we were going to get married. I know he was not surprised, he probably called it before we buckled up but to us, it was so fun to tell him.

As we drove away from the baggage claim we told him that we had a reservation for a chapel after the Waylon Jennings show we were going to see that night. He offered to take us to get our license before going to the hotel. As we pulled up to the building he said he knew someone at Silver Bells chapel and that he could make a call and get us in there after we grab our license, if we wanted to.
When we were inside, standing in line, we just looked at each other and were like "Yay!". There was no question we weren't going to take this weird, crazy opportunity to get married at a place suggested by our Vegas cab driver. This was SO us.

We came out, got in, drove off and in less than 25 minutes we were changed (back to back in a closet- we had to have some tradtional stuff in the wedding) and married. We picked the least expensive package that came with a flower, I had no interest in wasting money on a chance, we'd much rather put it on black. It's all about luck for us. I was bummed it was a rose, as I prefer daisies but it was awesome. We were married. We were FUCKING MARRIED!

And we still are.

Happy 15 years you old bastard. I don't know how we got so lucky but I thank you for still making me jump when I'm scared and for continuing down the path less traveled. For never telling me my ideas are (too) crazy and for always, always, always being exactly who you were meant to be, 'cause that is the guy I want. The one I can drink under the table, scream at over the phone and day dream about- still, 15 years in. I sure hope I make it to Reno tonight.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

There is a reason why you left.

Going back home has always been a weird, double edged sword for me.
I make the plans, the excitement builds, or the anxiety that masks itself as excitement builds- and then I am here. The family and the familiarity is immeasurable. Anyone who has a good, solid family or even portions of one knows that you would never trade it.

But there is a reason why you left.

I feel out of place. I feel judged and when I act like myself, which is pretty much all the time (like it or not) I tend to feel that I am perceived in a way that I don't feel other places. It's hard to put my finger on it really, but at the end of the day, I feel exhausted maybe even slightly defeated and I work too fucking hard on my life to feel defeated.

I am often left feeling like I am not allowed to feel this way too and that is when I know the time has come for me to move along. And that is alright with me.

I wonder if my kids will feel this way about Seattle? I can't imagine that but maybe it's possible. If so, I hope that I can get them to stop by and say "hi" to their Mama and then shove off and return to or continue to find the place that makes them feel alive and well because that is what parents want for their kids.

Saturday, November 15, 2014


Why do we get sick?
Why is it that when you really need to be at your best, you get knocked down?
My entire house passed the germ baton this past week and I am still sniffling my way through the day.


Anyone have any good kick your cold in the ass remedy? Besides drinking 2 gallons of OJ?

Thursday, November 13, 2014

The hardest part.

If you are new to town, you should go back a few posts and see what's up.
I am in the middle of a reinvent. It's good stuff.

We have been going through the roller coaster of emotions with this move. Maybe all moves are but this one feels epic. This one is the first one in 10 and a half years, so maybe I have enough time in between to forget. Maybe it's designed like childbirth- instant amnesia?

One minute I am feeling invigorated, the next depleted and then almost instantly- elated.
It's weird thing, letting yourself go through them all and knowing you can't get stuck on any one emotion because you will fucking die. Ha! It seems you might because it can be suffocating at times but mostly I am reminding myself that life is a full of ups and downs and the best thing to do is to hold on, look ahead and find the horizon. No matter the pile of shit at your feet (quite literally sometimes).

One thing my husband does better than me (please, no one tell him)- he is an optimist to the end.
He will hold no grudge, no ill will, he isn't bothered by todays disaster because tomorrow can bring you anything you want. Sometimes I tell him how crazy he is, how irresponsible it is to be so optimistic but he is right. I am cautious and sometimes not as free as I once was. I am a cool cat but I fear the worst, expect things to fall apart yet I take comfort in knowing how to turn nothing into something, if I have to.  We are made for each other really, that is something I realize day to day but the problem here is he isn't here to cheer us (me) on. He can't come to my rescue when I am overwhelmed and tell me to give it a rest. He isn't here to help, oh man- I wish I had his help.

So this is all for me. This is for me to sort through, literally and figuratively. I guess this is part of my story. This is a journey that I need to take alone for some reason and I am apparently up for the challenge. I know I can do it but oh. my. god. do I wish I had his help. I have moments when I am freed by packing things up and donating them to less fortunate. I find happiness even in taking our beautiful things and giving them away to people who really, really need them but then I get a sick feeling. What if it is all wrong? What if I am doing it wrong? What if it is all wrong?

I have doubts. They sneak in and I have to battle them alone. That is not what marriage is about but for now, I am left to do this alone and I guess the weight comes from what if it is a mistake? Then I am to blame, alone. That's the part that sucks. Being on a team yet knowing if we lose- it's on me.

Does that make me the quarterback? I am not into sports but I think that's the guy with the most heat.

We aren't only moving. We aren't just taking a trip, we are re-evaluating ourselves, our lives and our story. Everything. It would be simple to move and see if that "helps". We have done that before. After Quattro was born we traveled Europe for 2 months and when we came home we knew something had to be different. Coming back to our lives inside the four walls we called "home" suddenly wasn't interesting. Now I know that moving wasn't what we were looking for, but our move to So. Cal was a blast. We took the trip for which memories and songs were made, but pretty much as soon as we got there, we knew it wasn't what we were after.  Looking back, I realize what we were after was not living in a new zip code, it wasn't getting new friends or visiting old ones. It wasn't needing to be closer to family, although that was a perk- I think what we were after then is what we are after now but being more seasoned as parents and as adults, we can now allow ourselves to go after it. And I believe that "it" is travel, seeing, living, being ourselves. We are lucky to have jobs that don't make us  be in one place. I remember we would discuss that very fact and our eyes would sparkle in awe. We can do this anywhere.

So why haven't we?

When I met Eddie he was traveling a lot but not like he does now. It was fun and exciting and the downtime we had was usually riddled with hangovers and late movie dates across the street from our Wallingford home. We had no responsibilities and we enjoyed it but when we became parents everything and nothing changed. It has taken us 13 years to figure that out.

I don't miss the days of no responsibility. I truly enjoy watching myself learn with these people we have created. I like looking at who they are, who they are becoming and I think this move has a lot to do with them. I don't wish for them to spend 30+ years in fear of anything.

What if?

Someone once wrote "if you stay in the same place long enough, you never go anywhere" and I think I like this a lot. We are exactly the same people we have always been but what we have stopped doing has made us long for something we could never put our finger on. We need to travel, to see the world and living in the four walls of our home (5th since Wallingford days) still isn't doing the trick.

So that's a pretty heavy revaluation. For me anyway. To know that what you were looking for 13 years ago is what you are still looking for today.


Like our hairstyles, what we have wanted and needed has changed through those years but the fundamentals are the same. I guess they probably are for everyone and that is helpful to know but we should never forget that time is the only thing we can never, ever get back. So the time is now-

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Treading water.

I am reading every bit of information I can find about downsizing.
How to? (nobody tells you anything helpful), why? everyone has their own reasons, and what next? That's the big question.

For us, well- for me, I feel a bit like I am treading water. Like over the last few years we aren't saving any money, we aren't traveling, we aren't living a full life. We aren't together. That's my "why?".
The how and the what next is what I am living right now. And it is like being at the top of a roller coaster.

I remember the first time I ever went to a real amusement park. Cedar Point, with an old friend and we waited in line for this insane looking roller coaster which was, at the time, the tallest and fastest one in the world. I wanted to wait in the longest line to sit in the front row, my friend told me it was intense and any row would do- I just didn't see it like that. I figured if I am going to wait to ride, I am going to get the best seat in the house and recently I have realized that is my personality in a nutshell.  Like it or not, I am not going to waste anytime on something that isn't the best I can get. Maybe that is why when I turn around and look at where I have been it makes me really proud.

I guess the last couple of years have been ones that I felt missed the mark a little. I did feel I was sacrificing and that is also my "why?". I am proud that I have held down to fort with three kids and my husband has been out there chasing  his dream but I realize that this isn't what I want to be doing. I don't want to live the life of a single Mother, although I had a really good one raise me, I am not interested in seeing how tough I am in this arena. It sucks. It's hard and I feel my dreams are so tangible right now. I can feel that thing that they talk about in counseling sessions in high school. I am 20 years past high school and I am finally getting it. That is another thing about me- I'm slow at the giddie up.

Saturday, October 25, 2014


I have never known anyone to do something really crazy. Like really truly flip their lives upside down, bat shit crazy.

I have known people that have gone crazy, hell! I've gone "crazy" but I'm talking about the 'grab life by the balls' crazy.

I have never known anyone to grab life by the balls.

This is subjective, I know. Everyone views life's... err, "balls" differently, so maybe I have known this kind of crazy and it is just a different language than mine... but that wouldn't make for a very good story, would it?

I have known a lot of people that have talked about times in their lives when they coulda, woulda (and usually) shoulda done something but they didn't and they always seem to regret not just risking it.
Risking it is no fucking joke. It is scary out there. But then again- it is scary right here.

But we aren't scared. It's not in our nature to be scared of things we don't know. What is happening is that my husband and I are slowly focusing in on what life means to us. I guess that means we are old now? I don't know, nor do I care. I don't feel old but I do feel my life's purpose is not as hazy as it once was. I think he feels the same way.

Over the last year or so we have had a rotating conversation about what is not working in our lives. Since we got together, I have always been on the forefront of that conversation. I think I am the type of person that can always ask for what she wants and when I get it, I am willing to adjust accordingly. I guess if I had a fear, it would be that I live my life and then look back and say "why didn't I do that?" not necessarily "what was I thinking?".

Mistakes are part of the journey- the journey is a dialogue to be written.

I want to write my own dialogue, god dammit! I don't want to do what makes sense or seems right all the time. I want to do what makes me happy and then when the happy fades, I want to pull the wheel to the left- NOT hit the brakes.
Maybe that is a design flaw of mine? Maybe I am a genius.

What's happening here is that the happy is fading. The weeks and months that my husband used to spend with us, are turning into days and hours. That is why it's fading. It isn't fading due to the fact that we have been together for 15 years (Really? Ya, really.) it is purely because what we signed up for, to have a life together, has turned into having pretty decent lives, apart.

I can visualize us staying this way. When I am alone at night and the doubt comes flooding into my mind- I tell myself it's okay the way it is. "We can keep doing this. It isn't that bad." I say.
And it's the truth. It is not that bad but just writing that kinda makes me want to throw up.
I can't imagine living a life with my family and on my death bed saying "it wasn't so bad, right?".
Although that would probably get a laugh.

Here's the things, I am a crazy person hidden in a decent persons body.
I have crazy thoughts and wild ideas and I would absolutely be doing a disservice to myself and the ones I raise, if I didn't utilize that. So what if it goes to shit? If I stay here it could go to shit. I could have an affair, I could get fat and resent my beautiful, sexy husband. I could have 20,000 postcards from all the places my husband has been to. I could become jealous and the only thing worse than getting fat, is jealousy.

I could do just fine here. I could not cheat, not get fat, wish him luck on his tours and sit in the carpool lane, raise our kids, write stories and have picnics and do all the things that I enjoy. I do so enjoy those things. I appreciate a simple life, I toured with a band for 6 years- it has taken me the last 9 years to recover maybe. If I stayed and kept doing this, we might be okay.

I don't know what will happen if I stay here. I know that over the last year when he comes home I am so tired, I barely interact with him. I have gone over and over the guilt vs. necessity of this. I have this battery that can last as long as it takes but when he walks in the door, BAM! the shit is dead. I rarely cook, I sleep way too much and because I am never alone when he is gone, I often escape during the day, solo. It's nice, I'm not going to lie. In the moment I feel justified and I am okay with it at the time. He is encouraging, which is good and bad for me. I need someone to demand more from me, I want him to get more of me and I think that is why this journey has got to be rewritten. I need more from myself and from my life. What good am I if I am too tired to share with him all we have been working on? It's nice to have downtime but when we started referring to his time at home a "vacation mode", we all knew it had to be looked at. The last time he was here I said something like "how was your visit?" I nearly slapped myself.

He doesn't have it easy. He doesn't get to see his kids grow up. He misses everything and I mean everything. He misses the swine flu and the milestone birthdays. He misses the basement flooding and our camping trip. He didn't see his son get braces, his daughter catch her first fish, the baby throw his first ball or me turn any age since I'm 30. I'm almost 40.

He doesn't have it better because he is gone, traveling the world doing what he wants for a living because he has a family that he has to send postcards to and Facetime with to watch their lips curl around their first words. He receives long text messages when I am pissed off, because he didn't have service during "the fight". We go so long without being close that when we are together it is a little like watching a stranger undress. A fine ass stranger, but stranger none the less.

It is not the worst thing, it is not the worst way to live, but if he did it forever, he too would have to proclaim "it wasn't so bad, right?".

So what to do? I have touched on this before and hinted and posted pictures of dream Airstreams and now we are biting the bullet that has been in our mouths for so long our breath smells like metal.
We are packing our things. We are selling everything that can be replaced and we are hitting the road. Like, for real. We are all on board, the ones that are in the mix are all for it and it couldn't make me more proud. My kids are willing to give up their things, their excessive amount of things to live a life together. To know that they are willing to do this is enough to call the whole thing off but as you can probably guess, we won't.

We are jumping in all the way. We are going into a world unknown, unannounced and with big ass smiles on our faces as we grab life by the balls and rewrite something for the simple fact that it needs it.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Wool is for socks, not for eyes.


Let me preface this with I am not doing it perfect, the parenting thing. I am not even attempting to be perfect and I know that there will be times that I am comfy with my head in the sand. So just to be clear, I am an observer in this blog post. It is just too hard to ignore these days.

Parenting is hard. It is hard enough when someone is not judging you but even harder when you feel you have to defend yourself or your choices. But when does that defense mechanism malfunction and throws us into being just defensive and passive aggressive?

Honey, it's happening.

Lately, and I don't know if this is because I have a teenager or because high school is looming but instead of conversation and information- a lot of the talks turn parents into defending their choice, even when the choice is the very subject we are debating. I find it hard to talk to someone who is completely unsure of their stance yet unable to discuss different ways of doing things. It is not only counterproductive, it is insanely annoying.

Why are we so judgmental, girl?

And I am too. Being a homeschooling parent has put me into this place that most people know nothing about they either think it sounds amazing or they hate it. It's like sushi. You know when someone has never had it but they say how gross it is? If they want to know something, they just have to ask and a lot of friends and parents do. I find I have to beg myself not to judge when it comes to children in a religious school. Not because I think organized religion is a crock but because it seems the parents do too. Yet, these parents are sending their kids there. This confuses me. If it isn't something you do not believe in, what message is that sending the kids? I don't care where anyones kid goes to school. I don't. I have friends that have their kids in catholic school and took them out, I have friends that have their kids in private school and love it. I also have friends that have kids in catholic school and their kids enjoy it, those people are practicing catholics. My Mother grew up in the Catholic school and I grew up in like 8. I don't have any room to say what is better for any kid, shit I am still figuring out what is good for my kids- but I have a hard time swallowing the logic of putting a non-religious kid in a facility that pumps religion. Not only are the kids being subject to the religion (in which you may or may not worship in your home) but you are also giving that church money to fund their... trying not to offend here but it is really hard.
You know what I'm saying.

My son went to a public school and then in 6th grade got into a sort of charter school. It is not a charter but is it is an alternative learning school (not the kind for delinquents like myself) they sort of beat to their own drum there- well in theory. He went there with the mindset that this would be a different style of learning. Maybe a more eclectic style, less sitting in a desk. Everyone calls it the "hippie school" well usually the parents who have never so much as set foot inside. It was supposed to be less.. I don't really know, less traditional style learning, in some ways it was and some ways it wasn't.

So, here's my point. I did have one, I think.
My point is, I sent my kid to this school because I thought it would fit HIM more. I thought he would benefit from a little unique style learning, that would keep him interested in learning. He is a good student but he is really creative and sometimes a standard desk doesn't really enhance that in a child.  I thought it was suit him. Not me. I wasn't looking for a school to change my kids path, I wasn't looking for it to fix him in anyway, just enhance him and let his love of learning continue.

I  may be wrong but I think a lot of people are looking to schools and religion to change things in a fundamental way that I don't believe is possible. That is why a lot of people find God and I am not debating that here. I am not in a position to discuss whether religion is good for you.  I believe in this case, it is stifling to the child. The work that goes into raising a child and a troubled one is done at home, therapy I believe. I think there is this idea that we can stick our kids in a place (in which they may or may not belong) and it will turn them out okay. It will somehow funnel them through to the other side of high school or middle school (or life) and they will find themselves on the right path and I am calling bullshit on the whole thing.

I am not calling bullshit on our willingness as parents to try and do what is best for our kids. OMG, I am always trying to do what is best and I am sure that is the general consensus BUT I fear that it is an easy fix for a big problem and if anyone has ever tried to spit into their ink cartridge, you know what I'm talking about.

I am worried for these kids. I am worried they hate where they are, what they are doing and they will get through that misery by doing things that they shouldn't be doing.
No school is perfect and no school will keep us out of trouble. If we as humans are looking for trouble, we will find it.

There is no magic band-aid to fix a teenager. I have one and I was one. I know how wide the spectrum is. It's huge. I was awful and I broke every rule and did everything wrong and that was just my journey. A lot of people pass judgement on me because my teenager is thought of a ideal in ways but he is just doing him. I don't believe anyone has the perfect child and we all struggle with decisions we are making for someone else's life, I just wanted to shed some light on something that happens in every town, every day to everyone.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Dear Turkey and Mr. Bear...

I am writing you because I know I will be 80 years old one day and looking back I will want to thank you. I'll want to thank you for changing the game for me. I have always considered writing something that has come easily for me, storytelling is gift but to become an author... well, that's new.

If it wasn't for you, you needling in my head every night for weeks upon months that turned into two goddamn years- I might now be "here".
Here is a place we will call "success". Successful in that I did something I wanted to, without letting life get in my way. Success in finishing, geez... isn't that what it is all about?
Finishing? From the moment "Mr. Bear" came out of my mouth that night, I knew I was a changed person. I felt different, I grew that night.

Age 36 and I grew.

If you know me, you know that is the best part.
Success for me won't mean money or fame or even seeing my book on any other shelf but my own.

Finishing. That's everything.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me in the presales. The book is still and always will be for sale on my website, to read testimonials and hear a bit of the audio.
You can purchase and review my book on Amazon as well. And if you find yourself at the Wax Bar in Ballard or Hansen's Surf shop in Encinitas or at All Day Cafe in Sious Falls, SD be sure to tell them thanks for carrying my book and for the love of silly Turkey, buy another copy.


Saturday, September 6, 2014

Self doubt.

Yikes. This is the worst feeling ever.

The feeling you get when everything that you have worked for may just fall apart in front of you.
Self doubt sneaks up on us, even if we are strong and brave and tirelessly working- it can find you.

I have worked harder on my book  that almost anything in my life.
It was my fourth baby, made of blood, sweat and paper.

There are about 3 days until my book is officially out. I am just about ready to receive a shipment of 9 boxes, that I will sign and mail out to all of the lovely individuals who purchased it. I thank you.

And even though I have met my goal, I am bitting my nails.

Like now what?

What do I do now? How can I sell more? How will I get a store to pick it up?

I guess it all comes with time, with work...

Please, if you have a way to help, whether it is tweeting my website link, talking about it by the water cooler. Maybe you know someone that knows someone... who knows where this can go.

Why not me?

If you haven't been over to our family's website, you should check it out.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Fuck you. (reboot)


Good. You should be. I mean, those two words should offend you in some way or another.
What shouldn't offend is a picture of one of my kids, standing on the curb at a solstice parade, in bloomers and body paint.  What also shouldn't offend you is my child sitting on the top of a boat in a pair of bathing suit bottoms. At the beach. In the summer. In a swimsuit that I believe suitable for her age. I. Me. Her Mom.

THAT is what I think should NOT be offensive.

But here's the thing.

I get it. I get there are many, many sick and twisted people that get their rocks off looking at pictures of little kids. I get that kids get kidnapped. Raped. Killed. I am 38, thank you very much. I have lived on this sick fucking planet the whole time and last I checked there is NOTHING I can do about the twisted people that I share air with.

Here's the thing.

I can do something about this.

We ALL can.

We can all make this shit stop. We can put our proverbial feet down and say #freeyourmom206
and every other (mostly Mother's) accounts that are getting attacked. Hacked! Targeted! Taken down. Stomped on. Deleted!

I would love to blame someone. I would love that buttwipe to have to put his (it's totally a chick) name on the report so I can go take a look at his (her, lets be real) shit and make sure he (she) is following MY rules. Why not? Fair is fair, right?

Wrong, Jessika. You know better than that. Shit isn't fair. LIFE isn't fair and until recently I have always told my kids "life isn't fair". This is something I have wanted them to take with them through their lives, I wanted it to be instilled in them, I guess so that they would never have to be surprised or expect things to be fair.

Not anymore.

Those kids- same ones I am apparently breaking every social media rule with- are hearing a different tune from me. Their Mom, the one that has purposefully put them in harms way.
 I have not done that at ALL. IG should be thanking me. They should be thanking me for doing what I do. For being a self employed Mother of 3, using their stupid social media devise to help spread the word that life can be amazing. They are not. They are keeping me from it all. They are stopping me in my tracks. They are making me think "why do I use this stupid thing?" "why do I bother?".
I am not famous. No one cares about my pictures except for me BUT what people do care about is a Mother of 3 being taken advantage of by a platform that is used by millions.

Here's the thing.

There's porn on Instagram.
It's there. I have seen it.
It's not where I like to get my porn, it's not where I want my porn but I don't give a shit about what those people are doing or why.
I have a life. I am living it and my life is being socially shut down by some faceless coward and that oxygen thief is being BACKED by Instagram. They are letting those bitches get away with it all.

"They", "these people", "asshole", "scum", can go on Instagram and just decide they don't like my pictures. They can go "oh that's 'wrong'" and "I would never.." and they can "tell" IG that they don't like it, then IG decides it's cool to just take my shit down.

Here's the thing.


Spread the word. Send this to your boss. Your paper. Your news anchor.
Send this and any other blog, photo, story you have heard about this topic and MAYBE we can do something about this whole pile of shit we (mostly Mothers) are sitting in.

I have heard some chatter but to tell you the truth I don't think the nucleus is being fixed. I don't think the core of the problem is being looked at, I think they take a page down, hear some noise and put it up and that is it. It's like taking the gum out from under your coffee table and just hoping it'll never happen again. I want the gum, the table and the fucking hand that put it there to talk. I want this shit to be fixed for all of us.

And if my page gets taken down, you better go to #freeyourmom206 for a complete nude picture of me, cause I ain't goin' out like that.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Too much, too little.

I just spent the last week with my sister and her family. It was the first time they had come up here in over a decade. Just saying that makes me go "WOW!". It's been a long time.
We had a great week. The kids played, with her two and my three- we had it all covered. Games, art, movies, sleepovers, fire camps and lazy days at the beach. It was what every vacation should be but like every vacation it went by so fast.

It's funny when you spend time with someone. It doesn't matter who. When you spend a long enough time with anyone, especially when you share the same blood, you learn new things about yourself. And them.

It was like a psych experiment. I mean that in a good way. I am the type of person who is fascinated about life and personalities, for real. What makes people tick, what makes them quirky and fun. What makes them amazing. What makes them suck.

Spending this time with my sister was probably the most one on one time I have had with her since we lived together. I moved out of my Mother's house in 1994. No shit. It's been awhile.
She may have even moved out before that. So to say the very least, we needed it. We are sisters, we needed to spend time together, to get to know each other as adults, although I think no matter how old the little sister gets, she will always be seen as an annoying child. I get that a lot.

So the "experiment" left me thinking that I A. her kids are exactly like her and my kids are exactly like me. Our apples didn't even roll. They are sitting on the base of our roots.
And B. how did her and I, as "apples", come off of the same tree?
I still can't figure it out.

It's cool though, we are both good people. We both have great families and we are doing what we do. We are doing what makes us happy and we are living the lives that we have built, so there is no harm in one of us being the rogue apple. It was most likely me, it is just quite a trip to see it out in front of you. Like we are both hilarious, so we have that in common, but that is kinda it.

But I feel I enjoy the differences we have. Same with my friends and I and my husband. Him and I are not alike at all. People assume we are because we both can live out of a suitcase and we like to wear jeans and travel but the similarities diminish greatly from there. Like with my sister, I find it interesting how we can cohabitate for so long and yet be so differently.

A lot of people only find solace or interest in people like themselves- that in and of itself is a psych experiment, one I don't really get behind. You just don't learn enough being with someone who is just like you. I think with our children, hers like her and mine like me are that way so they can go out into the word and become themselves, so they don't count on the above statement.

What does count is this. I think a lot of people bring a burden to the scene when they come across someone different. They decide that they are better (or worse) worse than the other person! That is the worst! I think we all need to just realize that we are different for a reason, it is not for a cloak of "I'm better than you" it is not for a target on our backs. We are different because we are human and that is something we are lucky enough to be, when we are here.

Seeing my children and her children play and love each other, all the while being polar opposites gave me a lot of hope for the world and also made me wish we lived a whole lot closer.

RIP Banjo.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Why I'm not mad at Gwyneth.

I have been taking a long hard look at myself lately.
The things that piss me off, I have started to dissect them.
The things I seemingly can't let go of, I have been taking the steps to let go of them.
I am not sure why. I feel like most of us get to a point where we just want to shake our bodies and minds so hard we are able to dislodge all the bullshit but my dizzy head keeps telling me that is not how it works.

I really, truly believe that we are all in charge of our own happiness.
No this isn't me showing you how hippie I can be.
This is me getting real and I hope it helps someone else get real too.

When Gwyneth Paltrow was put on blast for saying the things she said I was with everyone, I thought it was inconceivable that she would A. know what the hell it is like to be a "regular" Mom, let alone a one that has a "regular" job and 2. how dare she  put "us" on a hook like that!
I was fired up a little, some were fired up a lot, like this gal, but then I realized everything I was reading and thinking was passing judgement on her and THAT is why the royal we were upset to begin with- because she was passing judgement on us. Hello, circle.

I haven't sat up nights thinking about this but when I was doing my reflecting about myself, I realized that this is not about me, it is not about you- it is about everyone. Well, except for probably Oprah. That woman is as close to a God as I will ever worship. She blows my fucking mind. When she speaks, I listen. When she loves, I learn. Think it's hokey? Good for you. I am all set, thanks.

So back to Gwynnie.
Her opinions were just that. They were hers. She doesn't know you and more importantly you don't know her. The more I thought about it I was sort of siding with her. We don't know what it is like to be on set all day. I don't know what it is like to wake up before my kids and be gone all day and then come home to them asleep. That would crush me.
She doesn't know what it is like for any of us either but for her, she thinks it is harder. That's it. That is all, she is not bashing, she was just saying. Her opinion of how hard my life is or is not doesn't really concern me. Unless she knocks on my door and wants me to show her, I don't assume she was talking about me, specific. Nor you, or you, or you.

Am I hating on the housewife or the working Mom. Hell no.
I have been a housewife and a working Mom and I am currently doing both of those things simotaneously for the better part of 2 years and no comment from anyone is going to make me think they have it harder OR that I have it harder. This is my life. The one I am in charge of.

Where things got ugly is when people started talking about how it must be rough to be a millonaire and have nannies and chefs and cleaning ladies. Drivers and door men and an assistant, all the help you could want in life, but what we are all forgetting, I believe, is that she is still a Mother. There is no stand in for a Mother. Even if you don't have to actively do things for your kid, no one can stand in for your actual being there. There is no hire you could have that will look and feel like you. No amount of money could be paid to make your kids believe you are actually there. That just can't happen.
I think we are also forgetting that money can't buy you togetherness or happiness.
That is the long and the short of it for me. I can't hate on her. I don't feel sorry for her either and more to the point I don't feel those things for myself after reading her article. Although you didn't even have to read the thing, everyone was talking about it. Everyone had the same opinion too. Hate. They pretty much hated her white, rich ass and I think it is unhealthy and pointless and really just more proof that no matter what part of the world you come from, whether you have money or not, most women love to tear down women.

Not me. Not anymore. Did I ever? I am sure I did. That is how we were all raised. Not by our parents per say but just by society. We were taught to not like her because she is a slut, she's s drunk, she's a liar, she's a bad Mom, she's cheating on her husband... why do we care? Why are we programmed to do this? Men aren't like this. They just aren't made that way.

Think about it. When is the last time your husband, brother, Dad came to you talking shit about the guy at the bar, gym, park, work? No? Not happening? Why? Why is that?
I think it is because men worked together to get ahead. Ahead of what, you ask?


That's right, you heard me. They all worked together to get ahead of the women in society, they banded together and they did it. Look at us. We can have the same job and work in the same office and on Friday the paycheck is ACTUALLY DIFFERENT! WTF? How did we let this happen?
Why do men overestimate their abilities and we underestimate?

Boy, did I ever just hop topics... I believe they are connected though.
How many people do you know hate their job?
Now how many of them are men?

Friday, May 9, 2014

When you get sick of it all,

shut up.

Seriously, just shut up already.
I should take my own advice I guess, but what fun would that be?

Seems like every few months a bunch of people get sick of it all. Like of everything.
Meaning, your comments, your pictures, your parenting style and what you had for dinner. Your desire to take a FB quiz because you want to know what kind of wild animal you would be, or which character on Friends you would most likely marry. They don't even want to see your face anymore. Didn't you hear? Selfies are out this month.

I guess it is all part of it. Part of social media. It's social, says it right there in the title and we all get sick of our friends in real life, so being that this is a media version means you too are getting sick of them and their shit.

But why tell them? Honestly, I feel like it is the lamest form of complaining. Being a social shamer by going on a rant about how lame it is to have 25 pictures uploaded of a cat or because someone wants to write about what they ate, how far they ran, is the equivalent of yelling at someone as you pass them on the road. It's just dumb and a complete negative to society.

We are all haters. Like me, right now. At this very minute I am hating all over the haters of social media. Recently I read an quiz, however funny it was, about how to tell how annoying you are on FB. Funny thing was you had to take the quiz to find out but in the fucking thing said you were lame because you take quizes! Like... you can't win!

I would tell you when I think you are being lame, if I gave two shits. Usually I just stop coming around and for the most part when people stop coming around me, I assume they are thinking the same about and that is A-OK. I am perfectly fine with that.

I just wonder why it happens so incessantly? Like why all of the sudden does it seem like people are coming out of the woodwork to complain? When I answer the phone and the voice on the other end starts complaining, I completely glaze over and wish I wouldn't have picked up. Not that I can't be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen but sometimes it is just too much.

My gut tells me the windfall of complaints flooding my FB wall is as simple as this-
people are sheep. When they read a complaint, even if quasi comical, "enough pictures of your kids already!", that person then takes the lead and vents their frustration or maybe targets someone who is on their nerves. They take the false security that the internet gives you and they lay into something or worse, someone.

 Just stop it. Get over yourselves. Whatever happened to talking about people behind their backs? Were you not raised right? All the passive aggressive shit online is gross and annoying and it makes me stay away... maybe that is how it should be. Maybe some of us take the hint and we just stop going back to the thing that annoys us... maybe.

I like social media. I don't like this part but I like hearing my friend Jonna get excited when her hockey team wins or when Danny shares a disgusting picture or when Jenn runs 6 miles. I like that. I even like when some friends take 20 selfies, I think it is silly and sweet and if that makes them feel good, I am not going to make fun of them on their FB wall. There are plenty of people that post things that are annoying, abrasive political rants or putting their partner on blast and you want to know what I do? I just click a button and it's gone.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Break it up and break it down.

So on our last podcast Eddie and I talked about the infidelity of Tori Spellings husband.
I stick by what I said, I think it is insane what he did, but you know, I realize it happens all the time.
I wanted to elaborate on it, I feel like if you are going to publicly talk about someone's life, you should... I don't know, to say "be fair" is silly. Life isn't fair but I feel like I should be clear.

Watching the show was so hard. It was... awful.
I felt bad for her, I even felt bad for him but the kids, oh how my heart ached for them.
I am sure hers does too.

They have 4 kids together and like 7 years (seven year itch is REAL people!)
not giving it your best shot to repair would be such a waste, in my eyes, but how you would ever be able to look that fucker in the eyes is beyond me.

Lets be straight. I would have a really hard time forgiving my husband if he cheated.
If this was my life, I can't say whether I would just up and leave him or not. I don't know if he would be able to throw it all away if I cheated. I don't know if he would want to be with me either and I think that is the reason we don't cheat. We like where things are, how they were and where they are going. If one of us strayed, we have no idea how it would change us and knowing it could mean everything we have worked for (I think we can all agree that being married is work) could quite possibly just POOF! be gone.

The thought fucking scares me.

I understand the getting bored and not having enough sex. My husband is gone all the time. It is not easy to be in this kind of sexless marriage either, there are times when both of us just want to meet somewhere in the middle and bang it out and move on but it's not realistic all the time. There are a lot of people that lay in bed every night and don't have sex but we can't have it because we are thousands of miles apart. But our marriage didn' start out as just sex. I think a lot of relationships do. Not to say we didn't have a lot more of it but we were instantly connected to each others lives. Like we wanted to take the ride together. We wanted to see what we could do, together. We had our troubles, in the beginning, the middle and the end I imagine, we will still be trying to be good and stay true to ourselves and each other. There is no coasting. Coasting is for single people. Did you hear that? Want to coast? Stay single! Seriously, if you don't want to work at a relationship for the duration, don't do it.
See, that is something no one tells you. You're welcome.

We had our 7 year itch. I will admit it. We spent a lot of months (years?) trying to find our way back and even still truly have to stay "ahead of it", like Eddie said in the podcast.
There was no cheating but the itch has many different faces. I think it finds every marriage in some way shape or form. I would tell you all about ours right now but this way, you will really want to read my book.

Back to Tori.
Seeing the preview for this show, I was immediately into it. I am a reality TV junkie. Yes, I know it is not reality but this shit just got real. Real, real. I had heard about their trouble and didn't really follow it, I do have a life, but the show, I can get down with that. And usually the juicer the better. Usually the fighting and crying and screaming gets me excited. My life lacks none of this, mind you, but it's good TV. But somehow this just didn't make for good TV.

Will I continue to watch? Yes, because I am rooting for them but it is really not pleasant.

Why do men (and yes, I realize women do it too) choose the time they do to do something like this? He was working and everything seemed to be going well. They had a really rough time when their 4th child was born but everyone lives, everyone is healthy and he decides to screw someone?
I just can't wrap my brain around it.
And ya, drinking makes it easier to make mistakes. Even I know that but this isn't a mistake, it is a fucking world crusher. It is the end all be all. It is you putting your dick where it doesn't belong.

Mistakes are breaking something, forgetting the groceries, forgetting to call. Mistakes are (even though I hate the word) something you can say "I'm sorry" for. You can't "I'm sorry" your penis out of a rogue vagina. You just can't.

If I ever decided to have sex with someone (and Deans bitch stayed at his hotel for 2 days!!) you better believe, "mistake" or not, I am very aware that I just tossed my life away. And that simply will not happen.

So where do they go from here?
Counseling (which in front of a camera is just... I can't.. it's not...).
First of all, they will meet with a counselor who will not keep their end of the bargain. These people are supposed to be confidential. Does that make them crooked? I should ask Dr. Drew. It seems once you open your practice and expertise out to the world, it would degrade it somehow. How do I know someone isn't hamming it up? How do I know you aren't giving extreme advice to make for good TV?

Here's what I think.
I think they worked through their mess and decided to stay together, be stronger than ever and are capitalizing on that. I think we are seeing real, true life but one that already has a finale. My guess is that they signed something that said "if this shit ends bad, we aren't airing it".. I don't know if they can even do that but it is hard for me to believe these seemingly smart, kind, loving parents of 4 would put on TV their families demise for their kids to watch reruns of.

"Hey kids, grab the popcorn and turn on channel 51. The end of our perfect life is on again."

These stars are worried about the paps selling pictures of their kids in front of their school or in Duane Reade eating candy but they will collect a stack of cash for the suicidal ending of their families happiness.


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Saturday, April 12, 2014


My son's bike was ripped from our garage on Thursday.
He could not be more bummed.
He rode it nearly everyday, it was his ride to baseball games.
It took him to the store to get cat food or whatever I needed for dinner and didn't have.

I am sad for him and at the same time I think this is one of the biggest, HARDEST lessons for a kid.

People take shit that isn't theirs and it SUCKS.

I think it is a good lesson because he will be put in spots in his life when he or his friends will have the chance to make a decision. A decision that could go unnoticed, it could change his friendships or it could change the course of his life.

I know that sounds dramatic but I think life is dramatic.

Everyone had that time in their life when they are faced with the "fork". We have many forks, but when you are 13, I think the forks are crucial.

I remember one time, my friends and I were at a store, I swear the name was Pick 'n Save, and everyone stole lipstick and I didn't. Everyone got popped and I didn't.
There was a kid thief crackdown around that time and the kids were all taken home in cop cars.
We were like 12.

I don't remember hanging out with these kids after, I am sure I did but I remember it changed us.
Not unlike Stand By Me "you want to see a dead body?"
Sure,  .99 cent lipstick wasn't a dead body but in my stupid little town, sitting in the back of a cop car when you were 12 or 13 was a preview for most. You either never did anything to get you back there or you ended up back there all the time.

I remember a "friend" telling me I "had to" steal it. I am sure "if you want to be cool" was said, and even though that is very After School Special of her, that is how kids are.
You have to do this to be cool. You have to wear this... what is that bullshit and why is it still being fed to our kids?

Here's my guy on his pride and joy.
If you live in the hood, it is a FIT BMX bike
all black with red details
black and silver pegs on the front and back wheels.

If you haven't checked out our new website you should!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Parenting 10fuck you.

There's a lot of chatter about parenting advice blogs. About how there are too many, most are fucking stupid and practically all of them are getting paid through ad's to get the idiotic message to you- the consumer of bullshit advice from people that probably don't have kids. Or don't raise them themselves or just suck as humans.

This is not one of them. I just spelled "advice" wrong both times in that last paragraph. If you take anything away from my blog, don't let it be advice of either the spelling, grammar or parenting. This is merely a way for you to waste 5 minutes as you sign into your work computer and pretend to start your day. This is for you, sucka.

Why do people assume they know dick about what you do or what works for your family?
I am always, ALWAYS under the impression that I don't know shit about other peoples lives. That I could not AND would not want to live their life, so the last thing I am going to do is talk shit about the way they are doing it.

Lately it has been coming to my attention that I am being judged. Left and motherfucking right.
Ya, I know, "who cares?" and all of that and for the most part I agree. Who cares?
Well. Me.
Now I care.
Someone told me one time (my therapist) that if something that someone else says bothers you, you are probably feeling guilt about it. That maybe there is a shred of truth in what they are saying.

She was a bitch and I never went back.

I think the human mind can only put up with so much. We are not equipped to hold our tongue forever. It's not natural.

But lets not get off point here.
What I am talking about is that there are people in our lives, all of us, who do not agree with what we are doing in life. They find it their business to speak out to let you know that you are making a mistake, that you are doing it wrong and I just want to stand against that. I want everyone to know that unless you came out of my vagina- you have no say in what I do. None. Nothing. Fuck off.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Last day!

It's in the air in my house. You can practically taste that today is the last day we are without our main man. I am not sure how we do it. All of us. I am not sure how we go so long, keeping our shit together when it feels like it is so close to falling apart sometimes. But what does that really mean? To fall apart?

Eddie will be home in time for dinner tomorrow and I feel I will have a mental collapse. I'm hanging by a thread, I will most likely drink too much tonight.

This morning started out with a giant grease fire, in which caught me completely off guard (cover it people, get a lid and cover it). I knew what to do but I completely forgot for that split second you have, kids were watching, I recovered well. I fucking googled it.

Today we all feel closer than ever. We are making beds and emptying the trash in the basement that we forget about for weeks. We are throwing up our arms, surrendering to the week we will have with him, before he is off again. We brace ourselves for the next 3 months, in which we will see him for no more than 10 days. 10 very good, amazing days.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Day 13 Vegan

So I started this journey with one goal in mind. To finally lose the weight I have hung onto after having Zeke. I knew I couldn't diet, per say. I would never want to do something drastic to lose weight knowing full well I would gain it all back. An elimination diet is something that has always interested me. I could see where if you take things out, rather than eat something in particular, you could maintain your weight loss by slowly incorporating the food back in. Well, if it was good food.

I personally think that meat and dairy are healthy, I know some people think it isn't-  I am not one of them. I also believe that dairy and meat can be high in fat and calories, so I decided to go vegan. For a week. Now it has been two. Next week, three?

I stopped eating gluten and refined sugar about a month ago. I read somewhere that gluten intolerance manifests itself and causes bloating, weight gain- I am a low carb eater for the most part, never really completely eliminating them because I have three kids. No carbs equals zero energy, so I needed to be smart but if I took out gluten and it helped me feel better, then I am all for it.

Anyway.... I am pretty hardcore. I have to admit, this wouldn't be a good thing for anyone who eats on the fly, who grabs lunch or whatever. I have to think about breakfast before I go to bed (well, not anymore) I need to make sure I don't wake up and get rolling on my day and forget to eat. I'm not just feeding a coupe dogs here, I have to wake up with a baby, a 4 year old and a teenager. Everyone has different needs and up until recently, I guess I wasn't making my needs be important. I knew I wasn't happy with my weight but I'm like everyone else, busy.

I still hate that word.

Now that it has been a couple weeks, I am eating the same few things in the morning and it works for me. Lunch is usually last nights dinner to keep it easy or something simple. I snack on bananas, hummus and anything whole or made by me.

So two weeks in and the 21 day challenge still within my reach, I am feeling pretty proud of myself. It hasn't always been easy but for the most part my desire to complete losing the weight is way more powerful than any deli sandwich (one of the things I miss most). I haven't had a latte in a month but I don't miss that really. I drink green'black tea all day long along with 2 liters of water, which has proved to be a challenge but a good one.

Vegan is a way of eating that doesn't have to be as hard as you think. When I go to the store I just buy fruit, veg and grains. My house is stocked with canned tomatoes and beans, spices and frozen veg. I added rice and rice noodles which are amazing when you are not eating meat, gluten or dairy.
I get a lot of "what are you eating? I could never do that!" and it is basically all real food. I use coconut oil instead of butter, beans and tofu instead of meat. It's been cold so soup has been on the menu a lot. I have started eating farro, even though it is low in gluten, it still contains it. But that stuff is amazing- better than any rice or pasta I've had.

So here's to you and whatever your journey is. Whether it be weight loss or otherwise, I encourage you to knock yourself out.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Well shit.

On February 20th I handed my teenage son his first iphone. I should add with great trepidation. I had a lot of reservation but the bottom line for me, was the fact that I don't believe kids need to have the Internet at their fingertips.  Shit, half of the people I know don't need it and would probably make better company if they didn't have it. Reluctantly I gave in. No reason why, it was there, so I gave it to him.

Call me crazy.

Call me a clairvoyant.

February 22,  my son gave out his number to someone he "knows" through Instagram and almost immediately we saw the magnitude of the mistake.

I will take you back.

This person, who is probably 50 years old, befriended my son through IG a while back. Like so many "followers" you don't really investigate. I check and see who he is following because up until last week, I had no reason to think it mattered who was looking at his pictures. Originally I thought he would be safe as long as he was following "safe" people. Skaters, friends, Kashimo...

This thing that we are dealing with has legs like you would not believe. We are finding out, left and right I might add, how very susceptible our kid is. How very easy it is for even the "good" kids to get taken.

I say "good kids" not because I think my guy's is perfect. He is a kid, he has his days. But he is not one of those kids on IG tagging everything in sight to get followers. He isn't obsessed with that part of it. He really likes just taking weird videos with his friends and photos of his dog. He is not a typical kid online. Not for his age, so I guess what I am saying is I thought he was aware.

Well... he is now.

I hate to get all serious, as that is something I usually am not. I like to live free and not have too much drama or heavy stuff in my life but lately it is all around but unlike the other crap, this is important.

This is heavy. If you have a child, I suggest you read it, forward it, post it, share it and not because I am an awesome writer but because this wasn't going to happen to us. We were "prepared", we talked about this kind of stuff. Privacy and all of that but what I am learning about teenagers or kids in general- you kind of have to think of everything and if you don't- welp!, there's a window.

So I am sharing.

The "friendship" started with a common interest and comments went back and forth on pictures but if I am being honest, this guy commented way too much. He was like one of those people that introduces themselves by saying "I'm not a stalker..." we get that a lot. Anyway, then one day he PM'd my son. Private message for those who are still under that rock. After that he PM'd him a few more times, then he sent him a picture of his phone number and said he would send him a new phone case for his new iphone. This was the first time I knew he was "talking" to this guy. I didn't know it was a PM though, I saw the pic and the comment and we joked (Q and I) because Q had also, the day before, posted a message from Amazon about something he had ordered not coming until April, only problem was the message also included our address. I let him off the hook because it was an easy mistake. We laughed and said "well, he's go your address". Seriously, when I think back I see the magnitude. They (I) say "kids are dumb" but I now feel really dumb.

The guy was not on my radar at all and maybe he didn't need to be but I believe when you, a grown "man" ask a kid to text you, you have crossed the line. You are up to no good. You should know better and if you don't- well, if this guy didn't, he does now.

I wanted to share this because I believe that kids are really, really smart but at the same time, they are really really stupid. Just like us. They think something is harmless and then in an instant everything changes. I am the kind of parent that I like to teach my child about things that happen, without them always having to go through that thing. I grew up going through everything and I felt beat up a lot as a kid- I wanted better. This is something I felt was in my job description. I felt like I had this covered.

I failed.

Looking through this guys IG, he follows mostly young boys. He comments on his pictures a lot about being on the "sofa" and upon further investigation I noticed he goes to kids pages and tags other creepy guys, so that they will be made aware of the kids page. Some of the pages look like they are dummy pages for pedophiles. Like for REAL. It's all I can think about. What if he would have sent Q a picture of himself. Of something disgusting?

I would destroy him.

I know who this guy is. I know where he lives. If he ever contacts my child again I will absolutely plaster his name everywhere. Especially with the police.

After cutting ties with this freak, he posted this passive aggressive IG about how 'if you are going to post stuff on IG don't be shocked when people reply, that is what's supposed to happen'.
I know it was directed toward my child and it makes my skin crawl all over again. He didn't just reply to a post, he reached out privately to a child. A CHILD! When my son and I talked about it we were discussing how when he was little it was all "don't take candy from strangers". This guy knows teens don't want candy, so he offers something else. It is the same damn thing.

If I am wrong about this guy. I don't care.

I am pretty solid on my Momdar and it went off when I was privy to the fact that this guy asked for my sons number. As soon as I heard it I was seeing 100% clear on the matter. I'm grossed out. I am sick to my stomach and I have learned, along with my son, a very valuable lesson.

They say no harm no foul but I kinda beg to differ.

Saturday, February 22, 2014


I don't like surprises.

I have never really been on the receiving end of any amazing ones, although one time my friends and I were celebrating my birthday and my Mom and sister showed up. In Michigan. Unannounced. I think it was my 23 birthday. It was not such a good surprise. I mean it was good to see them, of course but I think there were  about 12 naked people in the hot tub- girls from my work... which was another surprise (more for them than me) they found out where I really worked. Ha! Good times.
So yeah... in general, I don't love surprises.

They are usually not purely a surprise and the thought of acting like you had no idea is not that appealing. Or like the above. What do you do when the surprise isn't good? What do you do with all of that?

The other thing that comes to my mind is the thought that you could have made it better. That is such a woman thing to think but I am being honest. Sometimes surprises aren't good for lackluster planning skills or bad timing OR the person throwing the surprise for you is really the one wanting the attention.
That is the worst.

I am thinking about surprises because I am planning a rather big one soon. It has been awhile since I have had the energy to even think about something fun, let alone pull it off. When you have kids it is hard to plan it all and the thought of putting in all the work for it to just get canceled at the last minute keeps me from really diving in. But I guess that is life, right? You have to either shit or get off the pot. Is that the saying? It's gross but I love it.

I am going to shit. I am not going to just get off the pot without shitting.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Why aren't we talking about this?

Recently it has been brought to my attention that people are not blogging/talking about teenagers anymore. How there's so much information when you have a little person and then once they get a little older, oh say 12, 13, 14... we are all left in the dark.

Now I am not sure what the ratio of parenting books for little vs teens happens to be but I know the exact answer as to why there isn't much chatter about this species.

They are all assholes.

I am not even kidding.

I have one of the sweetest kids on the planet. Even at 13 he is really one of the best. He doesn't cuss, he still wants to play board games, he is really comfortable with himself so he doesn't constantly get into trouble pretending to be someone else (which isn't the case for most teens). So I really think of myself and ourselves as lucky to have him. He is our first teen. My husband and I are learning so much about what is to come. We have 3 kids! We need all the lessons we can get.
But still. He is an asshole.

There's a certain time in a kids life when they go from being really awesome 80-90% of the time and then they have their bratty 10-20% of the time to a swift shut down. (Averages may vary:). Around 12 you see the change, however subtle it seems as first, it will soon kick your ass. There is a little more crying (for no reason) there are new battles (forgetting everything) and the laziness kicks in. Like real, honest to goodness laziness.

By their 13th birthday you have 100%, pure grade A assholes.

I get it though. It wasn't THAT long ago. I do remember thinking I knew everything and feeling like the adults in my life didn't know what the hell they were talking about (which, hey, maybe they didn't). I do get it. But THIS is why no one talks about it. You aren't "allowed" to call your kid an asshole.
But... I'll be honest. I do. I am a straight shooter. I tell him to shut up when he is poppin' off and I call him an asshole (no, not an "A hole") when he is being a teenager... oh wait.
Not all the time (all the time), not every single day (every single day).

I love my kid(s). Don't get me started but I would like to just put it out there that this is why we don't read endless blogs about the amazing life of a Mother of a teen. There are no articles that post "Top ten Christmas gifts for your teenager.". It ain't happenin, I dont have a single book about this glorious phase (please tell me its just a phase). Maybe I should write one?

Chapter 3, "It's a phase, stand your ground and love them."
Translation, "He's a dick,  you're the boss, try not to slap him."


Day 3

Okay. It pains me to say this but this does not suck.

My son, Quattro and I have two days of vegan (plant based) eating under our belts.
This thing all started when I was reading about Jay Z and Beyonce going on a 21 day vegan "cleanse".
You can read all about it in a previous post, but basically I challenged myself after a friend pointed out how easy this diet/cleanse/whatever would be for someone like them. They don't shop, cook, clean or have to wrangle the whole deal with their kids climbing up their leg while they are trying to rinse the quinoa or the fact that they don't have three kids that need to eat before they have time to make their "green monster" drink.

SO, anyway... I got to thinking that it must be hard for people, normal people, to get this kind of lifestyle under their belts. Whether it be for a lifetime or for a little time. I have been on a quest to find something that will help me lose weight, as with my third child I just sort of got stuck with some lbs that I loathe. I don't hate the way I look but this is not my body... it just isn't.

Okay. Back to the food.

I went to the store set out to fill my house with things that are strictly plant based and living in Seattle, there are so many options, it is a wonder why it would ever be a problem. The closer I looked at stuff labeled "vegan" and "gluten free", I noticed that it was full of other crap. Chemicals in fact. So this quickly changed the way I wanted to do things. I went from being curious about ready to eat, so I could actually accomplish this "challenge", to knowing that I would be making everything.  Like, everything.
My diet is consisting of almond, rice and soy milk. I use it to make things more than eat, so I know that I am getting calcium but there's nothing like cow milk. I love it. Lots of greens. Spinach to cooking nad for the morning smoothie. Quinoa and lots and lots of veggies and beans.
I made a huge batch of hummus. I didn't have any tahini so I just used a little grape seed oil and 2 lemons, roasted red pepper. It was amazing. I am eating some right now with plantain chips and carrots.

I am going to stop right here and just say that I know how this sounds. It sounds crazy and a month ago I never thought about animal products being "bad" and I don't think they are bad but I do think (hope) that they are linked to my lack of weight loss. That is what this is about. I want to shed pounds to feel better. My baby is 20 months old. I am still breastfeeding so dieting isn't something I feel comfortable doing- I don't believe diets work. I think if you change the problem you change the outcome.
Will I become vegan forever. No. Probably not. Will I have a better sense of what is working for my body and what isn't? I hope so.

So back to the food...

Starting with cheese. There are many vegan "cheese" products and they sound disgusting. After a little research I found that if you soak cashews (or any raw nut) that you can blend the shit out of it with some nutritional yeast (weird?) and a little water and lemon, you can have some "veese" as we are calling it. It is gross right off the bat but when you get it nice and cold, it changes it's texture and therefore the experience is better. It's rich and that is a good sub for cheese. Is it better? Hell no.

Sauteed cabbage is one of my favorite things. I slice it thick and use balsamic and oil and put it with everything. Over quinoa is my favorite right now.
Yesterday we made split pea "stew". I used one whole sweet onion with olive oil and chili powder. I added two sweet potatoes, a bag of dried split peas, large can of my favorite tomatoes, 4 cups of water and it was amazing. Amazing. The kids made crispy cornbread, so we all ate vegan and gluten free and it was simply delicious. (the only thing we did different was when we flipped it, I put it directly on the oven rack and let it broil until it was starting to char- about 8 minutes).

I have three kids, so ridding my house of dairy, meat and wheat isn't something I can do. Although we do eat a relatively clean diet, animal products are a plenty. Kids drink milk, eat yogurt by the tub. And cheese? Please. It goes on everything. So this journey is more about not eating it than not having it. Making the kids eggs in the morning is rough and the quesadilla was looking pretty good but I am determined to make this work. I want to know if it works.

The one thing I know for sure is that I feel less bloated. That's gross but I do. My stomach feels lighter and I am not lacking energy at all. I need to drink more water, I need to do that for sure.

Stay tuned.

Go check out our family podcast on itunes, The Spaghetti Family Podcast and visit our website too!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

I have figured out the worst part about being a full time, seemingly single parent of three kids.
Up until this recent discovery (epiphany?) I kinda thought I shaved the "worst parts" into a mere drag... but then it hit me. The worst part is not having time to do fucking anything.

Like really. I don't have time to do anything that doesn't revolve around them. I don't get to have a cup of coffee without someone climbing on me, leaving me to set my cup out of reach, and subsequently out of mind, which leads me to warming it up 3 times and then it is a cup of crap with scalded cream and that filthy scum on the top.

Ha. Gross.

Most importantly I don't have time to write. And write is what I do.
I don't really like to say "have" time in my real life. I think if you make time it's important and see that is another epiphany. I am totally going against something I feel strongly about. I think when people say "I didn't have time to shop for your birthday present" or "I didn't have time to stop by" or call or... 
I think they are all full of shit. And for anyone who knows me, knows that I either MAKE the time, or I don't. 

So here I am sounding like a drab, idiotic "housewife" which I am so not. I relate to the term housewife just as much as I do, astronaut. I have a house and I am a wife, but I am many, many things and a writer is one. It is THE one. It is the only thing about myself, my true self that I really believe in. I will do it when I am old, I have been writing since I was young. Making up stories, writing about my life. I go to sleep a writer and I wake up a better writer but the problem I am facing is that I don't have... er, I mean make the time to write, so in a sense I am a... dare I say it? 

I am nothing? 

I cannot seem to make the time and I am becoming afraid that I will only be able to make that time when my children are all grown up and moved out of the house and then I think about all the amazing shit I wanted to write about. I mean, parenting is to a writer what crack is to a crackhead. 

It's good. 

When I do MAKE time to write, which is usually at odd times of the night, I am so god damn tired whatever it is I am writing is so sub par. And I think it is complete crap. Such crap that sometimes when I pull out the computer and grab a seat I just think, "Ah, fuck it." and I close the computer and hope the next time goes better.

It's sort of like sex. You know when you are really in the mood and you are standing in line to get coffee? Then once you get home, have dinner, get the kids to bed and MAKE time to have the sex- you aren't as good as you would have been earlier.

Ya. It's like that. 

So that is what I need to do for myself. Write when it strikes and apparently have sex while in line for coffee.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Jay Plea- Z

So I have been reading and watching all the "news" (ha!) about Beyonce and JayZ's diet. Their vegan diet to be exact. I guess they went on a 22 day vegan diet to better their health and after reading about it, I have come to the conclusion it is to better their wealth.

I know what you are thinking, "OF COURSE IT IS!" but I am just a ridiculous consumer and I will believe stuff like that. My cousin is vegan (like a real vegan) and so this didn't sound insane to me really, I am all for wellness. Mental and physical. I am currently on the quest to lose the rest of my baby weight. I will be real, I weighed 190 when I had Z. 190!! I am pretty comfortable at 140-145 lbs normally and lets just say I have a ways to go. Like a long ways.

So I have begun my quest to find a better way to lose weight and to just be healthier in general. When you have a kid you slowly start to think about all of that, when you have 3 you quickly realize you need to be on top of your game and I have found myself out of steam sometimes.

I have no interest in dieting. Like weight watchers and that stuff. No thanks. No judgement but no thanks. I like to eat healthy. I am not a label reader nazi but that is because I usually don't buy things with too many things on the label. We eat a lot of whole foods (don't interpret Whole Foods the grocery store- that's for another blog. We like to call it "Whole Paycheck")
Anyway, I make 3 meals a day but we aren't opposed to ordering pizza, grabbing Chinese or cereal for dinner. I am healthy, not crazy. I don't buy a lot of candy but that doesn't mean I don't like candy.

But it has occurred to me (the last time I put on my, snug, size 10/12 jeans) that I might need to do a little something extra. The first and most obvious thing was to stop ordering pizza for dinner. Done. I no longer picked up take out and I stopped eating cereal altogether. Like seriously. I stopped eating bread. I thought it would be hard but turns out it really isn't. I still eat whatever meat and dairy I want so I am doing pretty good. Oh and I stopped sugar. That was tougher. I use that super yummy (crappy) creamer in my coffee. I put sugar in my tea (and milk). So that was rough but after a day or two it wasn't so bad. I miss tortillas. Today I made the kids some quesadillas for lunch and snuck a bite or two and it was so good. BUT I am on a mission. I am on a m=other fucking mission.

Do I want to be a gluten free, sugar free, vegan? No.

Do I think I should try it? Yes.

Back to Jay Z.

So I am reading about this vegan 22 day diet and I am thinking this guy is pretty great. He was turning 44 and he just wanted to give his body a flush. He wanted to cleanse himself of animal products, what he was doing (with his lady) sounded cool. It wasn't a diet bar they were trying to sell. There were no meals that would get delivered to my house... I thought it was a real thing. Real people doing a real thing and I liked it.

Then my friend started pointing out that they have chefs and nannies and they don't go shopping or clean up. This is something that they can do because someone does it for them... she was right. She IS right. They don't have to do anything and so I was immediately challenged. I was immediately in.

With more investigation I have found out that J & B are probably doing this for money. Their friend hosts this website that IS THE 22 DAY VEGAN CHALLENGE. Say what now?
You mean they are not only NOT doing this all themselves, the cooking, cleaning, shopping (with kids)... AND THEY ARE GETTING PAID?!

Well shit.
Lucky them.

I'm not. Or, I am. I am not getting paid and I am doing it alone.
22 days? Probably not. 7? Hell yes.

Tonight I bought every vegan item I could find. I am actually surprised at everything out there. But that sort of takes away from my low processed food. Everything is made from plants into something else, so it is really processed. Or it can be.
I didn't buy the butter. I use coconut oil instead of butter already. And I LOVE butter but CO is better for me. I heard there is a cheese that is pretty good, but the two words "pretty good" better be no where near my cheese. I love cheese and I would rather go without.

I bought an ass load of veggies. Zucchini, spinach, carrots, broccoli. Lentils and beans, some tofu... the milks they have out there. I love the coconut milk by Silk, its so good. SO GOOD. Like a dessert.

Anyway, I am starting on Monday.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Carrot, ginger dressing.

Hey guys! So I have been busy holding down the fort and trying to keep up with
which is our website and a great way to listen to the podcast!
Anyway, the other day I posted a pick of this amazing ginger, carrot dressing and was asked to post the recipe. Which I love and I wish I would do it more. I am a pretty decent cook but the main problem is that I make everything up, I only follow recipes when it comes to baking because I am not so good at that. Baking is a science and cooking is an art. Get it? Good.

So here goes.

I used my Cuisinart with the shredder blade attached at first then I changed blades at the end to official pulverize the shit out of it.

2 carrots (I was going to use 3 but Elvis and I ate the other one)
2" of ginger peeled (if you don't know, you can use a spoon to scrap the peel off. Sometime when you cut it you lose a lot of ginger)
1 lg shallot
1-1.5 T tamari (aged soy sauce, which is just fine but you should try tamari)
1/2 cup good olive oil or grape seed
1/4 cup (or to taste) of seasoned rice wine vinegar (you can use any light vinegar, even reg vinegar but you will need to add some garlic powder and maybe a hint of cumin if you do)
2 T honey

So shred the carrots, ginger, shallot. If any chunks remain, it will blend in the end. If they get stuck on the top of the blade, just open it up and send them back through.
Change blades.
Add spices if needed.
with the machine running, through the top add the vinegar, tamari and honey.
Scrape down sides.
Then turn it back on and add the oil (while running).
You may need to add a bit more acid if it is too oily or the other way around. Like I said, I don't use a measuring spoon or cup at all when I cook so it is a (good) guess-timate.

I used it on a salad that night then the next day I added it to tuna (instead of mayo,etc) and it was amazing. AMAZING!

Oh yeah, I am on a clean diet. Staying away from sugar and gluten and all processed foods. It is easier than I thought but I'm only on day 2. Time to lose the baby weight!

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The Mother, the monster and everything between.

It always happens like this. Eddie is home and at first it takes us all awhile to get into a groove, then once we are- we are a well oiled machine. We all work together and we are amazing, it's as if we do it everyday of our lives.

But we don't.

Truth is, he is gone a lot more than he is here. He is always a strong force for us as a family, but present he is not. It's not tragic but it is difficult. It is sad. Oh man, is it ever sad.
The kids faces at dinner when they glance over to the calendar and see the impending "Daddys' trip" just a mere days away from that day. To have Elvis ask "will you be gone a lot of days?" and Quattro ask if we are going to fly out to any shows... more and more the answer has been "no". For a lot of reasons really but mostly financial. To be honest, them are just the facts.

But we make it through the conversation. We don't shy away or change the subject. Ever. It is unrealistic to think we can do what we do and keep things from them. I have a 5 week calendar on the fridge and as soon as the impending travel day is up, it is up. I can't imagine sneaking anything past these kids. I can't imagine holding back. Even though there are a LOT of questions and sometimes few versions of an answer, I feel like since this is our situation, since this is the life we are raising them in- we owe it to them to keep it real. But then the week before he leaves turns into days and I see how quickly the days will turn into hours- I freeze.

I am stuck between keeping the machine running or just pulling my parking break and stepping away from the day to day. I feel like I can try to save my gas so I can start up the single Mom again, without having to suffer. It is always my plan to just relax and have tea all day in bed, writing for hours, researching for even more hours. Watching crappy TV, going to the movies that will go by the wayside when he leaves. It is a bit like a vacation for when he is home. My time to get a little selfish and I am not without guilt but I have gotten better at it. It has gotten easier to let myself off the hook. I pretty much give up everything from 7 a.m.-10 p.m. when he's gone. I am the mother, the monster and everything in between.  I fear if I didn't take advantage (guilt or no guilt) I would not be as good as I am . I know it is not PC to say you are good at something- maybe PC is the wrong category but you know, as women, we usually downgrade ourselves constantly. We are too fat, too slow, too tired, too everything. That is exhausting to me.

I am really good at what I do and I am adding to that list every day. I am not as satisfied with the way some things are and that is not to say that they are bad but I believe satisfaction can only come within. Which is why we are planning our journey next year.

If you don't know, Eddie and I are taking the kids and will be touring for a year. When the band is off we will go do whatever the fuck we want. No school, less bills. The world (US in general) is our oyster. In that time, he will be writing a new album and I will be writing a (second) book. I will self publish my short children's book this summer and begin my journey as a real god damn writer. My book will start with the first say on the road and go all the way back.

I can't wait.

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Thursday, January 23, 2014

She went under, continued.

It has been more than 5 months and today I took her to swimming class.
I didn't think about it this morning at all. I just got her suit on, grabbed the baby and went.
To be fair, my husband has taken her the last two weeks, as I have enjoyed the quite time, getting to write or have lunch alone. As the countdown has begun on him leaving, he enjoys getting to take them to do their thing. Whether it is a park, dance class or swimming.

But today my husband had interviews to conduct over the phone so I opted to go. Even while grabbing her green alligator towel, it didn't occur to me that she had once nearly drown.

God, I don't even know if I can write this all...

Deep breath JD, deep fucking breath.

When I got the kids out of the car I still wasn't thinking about it. I took them into the locker room and between the naked old lady ass and Zeke running toward the running showers, it just didn't occur to me the insane amount of anxiety that was waiting for me. That had been waiting for me.

Like, insane amounts.

So she dashes ahead of me as we weave through the locker room hall that leads us to the pool. Past all the little feet and Moms with their giant bags. She makes it to the pool and points out her teacher "I don't even know her name but she's nice" was how she introduced me to her. Una, is her name.
She then walks to the steps that slowly bring you into the water, waved vigorously at me like she does and it hit me.

It smacked me really hard, right in the face... and in the chest. It nearly took my breath away as it did hers on that day.

I had Zeke in my arm and I took him out of the pool room to the lobby which separated her from us with a glass wall. I wanted to watch her swim but I couldn't really be in there.
The glass wall was perfect. It gave me the distance I needed and let Z play so that I could just sit there are figure out how I am going to do this.

I kept looking at her in the pool. I took a few pictures even but every time I let my mind wander, I saw her go under.

I am not sure I will ever get that image out of my head. I don't know if there will ever be a time that I can watch her in the water and not see her eyes close and her hands stop moving... I just don't know. But if I could change anything in my life, it would be this. I have always said I have no regrets in my life and there have been a lot of moments I could have lived without.

But no regrets, except that one time I looked away.