Thursday, November 13, 2014

The hardest part.

If you are new to town, you should go back a few posts and see what's up.
I am in the middle of a reinvent. It's good stuff.

We have been going through the roller coaster of emotions with this move. Maybe all moves are but this one feels epic. This one is the first one in 10 and a half years, so maybe I have enough time in between to forget. Maybe it's designed like childbirth- instant amnesia?

One minute I am feeling invigorated, the next depleted and then almost instantly- elated.
It's weird thing, letting yourself go through them all and knowing you can't get stuck on any one emotion because you will fucking die. Ha! It seems you might because it can be suffocating at times but mostly I am reminding myself that life is a full of ups and downs and the best thing to do is to hold on, look ahead and find the horizon. No matter the pile of shit at your feet (quite literally sometimes).

One thing my husband does better than me (please, no one tell him)- he is an optimist to the end.
He will hold no grudge, no ill will, he isn't bothered by todays disaster because tomorrow can bring you anything you want. Sometimes I tell him how crazy he is, how irresponsible it is to be so optimistic but he is right. I am cautious and sometimes not as free as I once was. I am a cool cat but I fear the worst, expect things to fall apart yet I take comfort in knowing how to turn nothing into something, if I have to.  We are made for each other really, that is something I realize day to day but the problem here is he isn't here to cheer us (me) on. He can't come to my rescue when I am overwhelmed and tell me to give it a rest. He isn't here to help, oh man- I wish I had his help.

So this is all for me. This is for me to sort through, literally and figuratively. I guess this is part of my story. This is a journey that I need to take alone for some reason and I am apparently up for the challenge. I know I can do it but oh. my. god. do I wish I had his help. I have moments when I am freed by packing things up and donating them to less fortunate. I find happiness even in taking our beautiful things and giving them away to people who really, really need them but then I get a sick feeling. What if it is all wrong? What if I am doing it wrong? What if it is all wrong?

I have doubts. They sneak in and I have to battle them alone. That is not what marriage is about but for now, I am left to do this alone and I guess the weight comes from what if it is a mistake? Then I am to blame, alone. That's the part that sucks. Being on a team yet knowing if we lose- it's on me.

Does that make me the quarterback? I am not into sports but I think that's the guy with the most heat.

We aren't only moving. We aren't just taking a trip, we are re-evaluating ourselves, our lives and our story. Everything. It would be simple to move and see if that "helps". We have done that before. After Quattro was born we traveled Europe for 2 months and when we came home we knew something had to be different. Coming back to our lives inside the four walls we called "home" suddenly wasn't interesting. Now I know that moving wasn't what we were looking for, but our move to So. Cal was a blast. We took the trip for which memories and songs were made, but pretty much as soon as we got there, we knew it wasn't what we were after.  Looking back, I realize what we were after was not living in a new zip code, it wasn't getting new friends or visiting old ones. It wasn't needing to be closer to family, although that was a perk- I think what we were after then is what we are after now but being more seasoned as parents and as adults, we can now allow ourselves to go after it. And I believe that "it" is travel, seeing, living, being ourselves. We are lucky to have jobs that don't make us  be in one place. I remember we would discuss that very fact and our eyes would sparkle in awe. We can do this anywhere.

So why haven't we?

When I met Eddie he was traveling a lot but not like he does now. It was fun and exciting and the downtime we had was usually riddled with hangovers and late movie dates across the street from our Wallingford home. We had no responsibilities and we enjoyed it but when we became parents everything and nothing changed. It has taken us 13 years to figure that out.

I don't miss the days of no responsibility. I truly enjoy watching myself learn with these people we have created. I like looking at who they are, who they are becoming and I think this move has a lot to do with them. I don't wish for them to spend 30+ years in fear of anything.

What if?

Someone once wrote "if you stay in the same place long enough, you never go anywhere" and I think I like this a lot. We are exactly the same people we have always been but what we have stopped doing has made us long for something we could never put our finger on. We need to travel, to see the world and living in the four walls of our home (5th since Wallingford days) still isn't doing the trick.

So that's a pretty heavy revaluation. For me anyway. To know that what you were looking for 13 years ago is what you are still looking for today.


Like our hairstyles, what we have wanted and needed has changed through those years but the fundamentals are the same. I guess they probably are for everyone and that is helpful to know but we should never forget that time is the only thing we can never, ever get back. So the time is now-

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