Friday, August 17, 2012

Some like it hot

I do not.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Meteor shower

So instead of crawling into bed, where I should be, Quattro and I are waiting up to see some meteors.
The guy on the news said between 12-3 a.m. is the best time... I was thinking it would be the "best time" to get some damn sleep...
I have to stay up and with him because I remember doing something similar for Halley's Comet, I was 10- he's 11. These things have always excited me. If I was smarter as a kid I would have gone into astrology or something but the books never came easy for me. It was always a challenge to just keep my ass from failing, but interest I had and have for this. In 8th grade I did a project on the moon and I got so into it. It was the fist time I had enjoyed anything that had to do with school since 3rd grade. That is when school was ruined for me. I had the worst teacher, Ms. Perkle. Could you just die over that name??
She was mean to me and made an example out of me from day one. I was new to the school and she fucked it all up for me. Hey thanks, bitch! Thanks for making me believe I was "incapable of learning anything" for so long. She told me that when I could not do my timed multiplication test after repeat attempts. I guess the whole class did it and I didn't so I was a big fuck up. I don't know why or how that bothered me for so long, it still bothers me. I mean, I am over actually thinking I am an idiot but for all of my schooling, I always heard her in the back of my mind, so I just stayed on the "fuck up track" for way too long.
I remember when my son was going through the timed math tests, I told him to just stick it out and pretty soon it would be over and he'd never have to do it again. And it's true, you don't.
So meteors... see any yet? We got an app so we can count them and send it to NASA. Pretty sweet.
I can't get enough of these kids. Even though they have caused all my problems. Ha. I'm kidding

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Yes. Yes I did figure it out.

Cause I miss him.

I think I just figured out how to post pics from my phone to my blog.
God help you.

The zoo is wild.

First, I am not sure what the fuckity-fuck-fuck is going on with my blog but I can't seem to reply to anyone today. So luna, this is for you-

I'm feeling "okay". I do feel like I can find myself one some days or part of some days but for the majority of the time I am faking it. And I guess that will have to do. More than anything I am having anxiety like I never had before, which is strange. Maybe if I did have it before I was "normal" enough to combat it naturally and now that I am... abnormal? it's not so easy. So how do we Mom's get together with other Mom's without seeming ridiculous? I don't understand why it is SO hard.

Speaking of that. Today I was at the zoo (again!? might as well use that membership) and as soon as I walked in, with just Elvis and the baby I see a gal, my age, with an infant and a, roughly, 3 year old. I was laughing because she is the type of chick I would see and wonder if I was going to be brave enough to talk to or whatever and today I didn't really care and then I immediately thought it was so lame of me and THAT is probably why it is so hard to reach out. Lets face it, it is a little creepy. "Hi, I see you have some kids there. Want to hang out?". It's odd and we as Mothers are guarded enough and to get approached by a freak like me, I can just imagine it doesn't go over so well.
I have seen Moms talking to my daughter (who is ridiculously charming and easy on the eyes) and when I walk up they just walk away. I must scare them. They do not think I am as normal as them. And it's not even about the tattoos or the pink hair- it's a "thing" I have always had. My Mom always told me I was "different" a word I despised most of my life but now, I don't know, I kinda get it. I am different and we ALL are, in different ways.
If we are being honest here, (and let's just assume I would never lie to you) sometimes I will see a Mom and just judge them. Think they are stuck up or complete... nerds? I don't know what the equivalent to that is now that we are adults. But you know. Like their outfits are just like... "what?" and I'm like "huh?". I judge and I shouldn't. We are all leper's to someone and I am just feeding the enemy that is shameful. There's an invisible line that we can't seem to get across. It would be easier if we could just decide if we like the kids and accept the parents. Because really, if you can't take the kids- you aren't going to want to have weekly play dates, or whatever we are supposed to call them. I hate that term, it's like- lets cut the shit and just get together, ok? Ok.
God, I sound super bitchy tonight and I'm not. I am just tired of the loop hole. I'm tired of trying to figure out how to get together- again. Maybe I should start a FB page, "Babies in Ballard"...

I feel like I need to touch on my PPD a little. And that is a WEIRD thought, that someone out there cares but evidently they do and I am all about that. Lets face it. Anyone who has a blog is a narcissist and if they try to pretend they aren't, even in the slightest way- they are lying.
I like to write about my life because I think, sometimes, it is interesting, it's.. different. And I am aware that I am married to someone who has made a name for himself and I like to let those who want to know, a little about his world. I don't think I need to write about him a ton, this ain't his blog! but I do enjoy letting people know how things go down for the Daly's... errr, I mean the Spaghetti's.
Anyway... so I saw my doctor, my regular guy and he put me on Zoloft. I wasn't even the least bit hesitant to take it as I was pretty desperate. I guess it takes like a month to "kick in" and that is fine, I'm into it. I was not happy. Although getting the shit sort of felt like I was asking for bath salts, I do think that this guy cares. What sucks now is that I am plagued with anxiety. I am having these bouts of it where I feel nearly paralyzed with fear. Fear of something happening to, usually only, Elvis. Which is weird, you would think that it would be the baby. But it's not. I am terrified of something happening to her. Like I am going to get distracted and something terrible will happen. I was stopped in traffic in the tunnel last week and my mind gave me a flash of disaster and I could not decide who to leave if I had to leave one. If I could only take one out of their car seat... who would it be? Shit! See, I am totally twisted. I also have fear that when my husband is with our kids alone he will miss something and someone will get hurt and in my mind, when I think this stuff, it is always her.
Here's the thing. Nothing ever happens on my watch. I am the hawk that won't give up. I have a "Mom-dar" like no other. I once ran down the hallway of my old house and caught Quattro as he was rolling off the bed. I can hear the kids at their first, tiniest whimper when they wake up, I can feel them. I always know when they are sick, about 12 hours before they get sick. I can see it in their eyes and smell it on their breath. It's weird and sometimes a burden but it is this thing that I have and I am now full of doubt. I am feeling, not overwhelmed in the sense of "I can't do this" but I am doubting my focus. My ability to finish things is off as well. I am picking up and leaving off in an abnormal manner for me.... and I don't know, for the most part it is just a drag. I just want it to be over. I don't want to have to take anything, I just want to get through this crap and be myself.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

She didn't call.

Or email, or whatever.
So here's to not caring that I probably seemed really weird and a little desperate, giving a stranger with a baby my information.
There has GOT to be a better way. I guess it is a little like dating, I just have to keep going to the "bar" or the produce section of the market... whatever the equivalent is... parks, or (gasp!) Gymboree??! Never. I may look desperate but I am not.
You would think by now with having 3 kids, it wouldn't be so hard to meet parents on the same page. I do have friends and some really great ones, but I still pine away at that friendship a lot of my friends have with their best friend, which is something I may have never truly had. The one that will come over when you are sick and call you for lunch when they are in the neighborhood.
When I was a kid we moved around a lot. Then when we settled down in AZ, we lived out in the country, pretending to be hillbillies I guess. So growing up it wasn't hard to make friends, it was hard to keep them.
As a teenager I was in so much trouble I had too many friends, all but a few, really bad news.
Then I moved around some more, becoming an adult and when I found myself smitten with my now husband of nearly 13 years, I traveled non-stop for the better part of 8 years. So really I didn't settle down but 4 years ago.... I guess that is why I missed out on my bf- they are all taken! Ha. I am not as sad as I sound, it is just nice to put it all together like that. I'm a nomad. WTF?

New normal.

I think I am finding my new normal. The groove. I'm finding my balance.
We forget what a huge process it is to have a baby, then to recover and manage to hold onto some grace,  which isn't always easy to come by.
I am really hard on myself sometimes. I want to be "back" I want things to work and I have learned, yet again, that sometimes time is in charge.
So I get it and I am cool with it and I am trying to be easier on myself. There's only one me and when my husband is on tour (if you haven't guessed by now, that is always) there is only one parent, so today I am going to try and remember that.

I just realized that there are 4 weeks left of summer vacation. 4 weeks before the backpack will be in the middle of the living room floor or sprawled on the kitchen table. 4 weeks before the flip flops will be put away and we will all have to find "real shoes" and lunches will need to be made the night before.
I guess a little part of me is excited. Elvis will have a birthday party to celebrate the lightening speed of the last three years.
Quattro is going into 6th grade, switching schools and walking there- so this is a big year for him.
My daughter will be 3, so she can officially take ballet lessons, even though I prefer her performances in the living room, she is ready for an organized class.
And then there's Zeke. He will be officially 2 months on Sunday. Which is hard to believe, but in a way you might not have guessed, I feel like I have known the kid forever.