Thursday, August 9, 2012

The zoo is wild.

First, I am not sure what the fuckity-fuck-fuck is going on with my blog but I can't seem to reply to anyone today. So luna, this is for you-

I'm feeling "okay". I do feel like I can find myself one some days or part of some days but for the majority of the time I am faking it. And I guess that will have to do. More than anything I am having anxiety like I never had before, which is strange. Maybe if I did have it before I was "normal" enough to combat it naturally and now that I am... abnormal? it's not so easy. So how do we Mom's get together with other Mom's without seeming ridiculous? I don't understand why it is SO hard.

Speaking of that. Today I was at the zoo (again!? might as well use that membership) and as soon as I walked in, with just Elvis and the baby I see a gal, my age, with an infant and a, roughly, 3 year old. I was laughing because she is the type of chick I would see and wonder if I was going to be brave enough to talk to or whatever and today I didn't really care and then I immediately thought it was so lame of me and THAT is probably why it is so hard to reach out. Lets face it, it is a little creepy. "Hi, I see you have some kids there. Want to hang out?". It's odd and we as Mothers are guarded enough and to get approached by a freak like me, I can just imagine it doesn't go over so well.
I have seen Moms talking to my daughter (who is ridiculously charming and easy on the eyes) and when I walk up they just walk away. I must scare them. They do not think I am as normal as them. And it's not even about the tattoos or the pink hair- it's a "thing" I have always had. My Mom always told me I was "different" a word I despised most of my life but now, I don't know, I kinda get it. I am different and we ALL are, in different ways.
If we are being honest here, (and let's just assume I would never lie to you) sometimes I will see a Mom and just judge them. Think they are stuck up or complete... nerds? I don't know what the equivalent to that is now that we are adults. But you know. Like their outfits are just like... "what?" and I'm like "huh?". I judge and I shouldn't. We are all leper's to someone and I am just feeding the enemy that is shameful. There's an invisible line that we can't seem to get across. It would be easier if we could just decide if we like the kids and accept the parents. Because really, if you can't take the kids- you aren't going to want to have weekly play dates, or whatever we are supposed to call them. I hate that term, it's like- lets cut the shit and just get together, ok? Ok.
God, I sound super bitchy tonight and I'm not. I am just tired of the loop hole. I'm tired of trying to figure out how to get together- again. Maybe I should start a FB page, "Babies in Ballard"...

I feel like I need to touch on my PPD a little. And that is a WEIRD thought, that someone out there cares but evidently they do and I am all about that. Lets face it. Anyone who has a blog is a narcissist and if they try to pretend they aren't, even in the slightest way- they are lying.
I like to write about my life because I think, sometimes, it is interesting, it's.. different. And I am aware that I am married to someone who has made a name for himself and I like to let those who want to know, a little about his world. I don't think I need to write about him a ton, this ain't his blog! but I do enjoy letting people know how things go down for the Daly's... errr, I mean the Spaghetti's.
Anyway... so I saw my doctor, my regular guy and he put me on Zoloft. I wasn't even the least bit hesitant to take it as I was pretty desperate. I guess it takes like a month to "kick in" and that is fine, I'm into it. I was not happy. Although getting the shit sort of felt like I was asking for bath salts, I do think that this guy cares. What sucks now is that I am plagued with anxiety. I am having these bouts of it where I feel nearly paralyzed with fear. Fear of something happening to, usually only, Elvis. Which is weird, you would think that it would be the baby. But it's not. I am terrified of something happening to her. Like I am going to get distracted and something terrible will happen. I was stopped in traffic in the tunnel last week and my mind gave me a flash of disaster and I could not decide who to leave if I had to leave one. If I could only take one out of their car seat... who would it be? Shit! See, I am totally twisted. I also have fear that when my husband is with our kids alone he will miss something and someone will get hurt and in my mind, when I think this stuff, it is always her.
Here's the thing. Nothing ever happens on my watch. I am the hawk that won't give up. I have a "Mom-dar" like no other. I once ran down the hallway of my old house and caught Quattro as he was rolling off the bed. I can hear the kids at their first, tiniest whimper when they wake up, I can feel them. I always know when they are sick, about 12 hours before they get sick. I can see it in their eyes and smell it on their breath. It's weird and sometimes a burden but it is this thing that I have and I am now full of doubt. I am feeling, not overwhelmed in the sense of "I can't do this" but I am doubting my focus. My ability to finish things is off as well. I am picking up and leaving off in an abnormal manner for me.... and I don't know, for the most part it is just a drag. I just want it to be over. I don't want to have to take anything, I just want to get through this crap and be myself.


  1. I love this post. And I have so been there. Once I got my balls I'd just walk up to people and be like, "hey what's up? You don't look like a douche so I decided to say hi!" If they're truly cool they won't bat an eye. And it was so freakin' hard to talk to people. But I got desperate! All my best gf's are single and childless and they liked my kids but you could tell the novelty was wearing off so I needed other mamas. I am happy to say, 4 years later, I now have a "box o wine" friend and a super crunchy "airy fairy" hippie friend both with great kids who balance me out quite nicely. It all started with... "you don't look like a douche..." <3

  2. I agree with Kristina, I love that post, too.
    When my daugher was just a few months old I went with her to a playgroup for new borns. Basically all the babies were lying around naked, played with balls in their hands or there was a paddling pool and the babies could be in there and we, the mothers and fathers (well, it was only one father to be exact) learnt how to give a proper massage to an infant since they are so tiny in the beginning. First second I came into that room and saw all the other mothers (and one father) I just thought "Hell, what am I doing here..." And I am not the typical mother type, too. I have tattoos, I dye my hair and I also always was the one in the family that is "different". But I joined that playing group for my child's benefit and because I thought I might find another nice mother to talk to, too. It's so true what you say: We do judge, too! There were a lot of stereotypes, but there was actually one mother and that one father that were quite nice and quite open. Joseline and her father & David and his mother from this point on were frequent playing-ground-company, go-out-and-have-ice-cream-companions and we sometimes could even talk about other topics than babies. That was refreshing. Maren & David moved away from Berlin a few years later, in the beginning we were still in contact, Maren had a second child, but for some reason we lost the contact by the time the kids were in primary school. Joseline and her parents moved to Chile which is the land Joseline's mother Raquel comes from. But in the end it's not important if you found friends forever, it was good to have them around for that certain time in the beginning when you sometimes feel a bit lost or lonely or whatever. It was just perfect for the time.
    Why I'm telling you this? Well, I don't know if you have those playgroups for really young ones, like a few months old, but maybe you could look out for something like that. Just an idea.

    Always love reading your blog, cause it assures me that I'm not the only one feeling like that.
    Thanks for sharing it!

    All the best to you and your adorable family from Berlin!
    Stefanie Kelly

  3. When your crazy husband was Zekes age, I sure wish they would've had Zoloft. Wow, that could possibly have made my existence bearable and enabled me to function. At that time his dad I believe was fucking some stock clerk at the Fedmart store in San Diego while I was up all night with a baby that had projectile vomiting every two hours. But I don't want to make it sound too fun, there were bad days too...:)
    Hang in there, you're a great mom and your kids are gonna be fine.

  4. You will always make me smile. I'll be just fine, thanks to family, friends and pharmaceuticals.

  5. Glad you're feeling better. Better than today and worse than tomorrow, as Grandpaboy said all those years ago. Hang on tight!

  6. I know I am way late but had to comment. I love this post. I love your honesty. I envy it actually. I might be that girl with the baby you judge but would love if was close enough for a lets hang out day!!! One day I will visit Seatle and I will look you up ��

  7. I can't tell you how many times I've felt the same way. This post is so honest and so close to me, that I had to comment, even though it's over a year old. I have always had a difficult time relating to people, especially other women, and I'm not exactly sure why. At times I've craved the company of someone like me, or at least another mom that I could relate with. Someone to chat with about mom stuff, or not mom stuff. I haven't found her yet. I probably won't find her. But I'm happy knowing that there's someone else, however many kilometres (I'm from Canada) away, feeling sort of something similar. I love my husband; we've been happily married for 13 years, and together for 21 in total - we met in high school. But there's something about having a female friend to confide in that I'm pretty sure I'm missing out on. Thanks for posting and for reassuring me that I'm not crazy and I'm not virtually alone, even if I'm physically alone (female friend-wise, that is). I love reading about your life and I think you're amazing. I hope that doesn't sound creepy. :)