Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The Mother, the monster and everything between.

It always happens like this. Eddie is home and at first it takes us all awhile to get into a groove, then once we are- we are a well oiled machine. We all work together and we are amazing, it's as if we do it everyday of our lives.

But we don't.

Truth is, he is gone a lot more than he is here. He is always a strong force for us as a family, but present he is not. It's not tragic but it is difficult. It is sad. Oh man, is it ever sad.
The kids faces at dinner when they glance over to the calendar and see the impending "Daddys' trip" just a mere days away from that day. To have Elvis ask "will you be gone a lot of days?" and Quattro ask if we are going to fly out to any shows... more and more the answer has been "no". For a lot of reasons really but mostly financial. To be honest, them are just the facts.

But we make it through the conversation. We don't shy away or change the subject. Ever. It is unrealistic to think we can do what we do and keep things from them. I have a 5 week calendar on the fridge and as soon as the impending travel day is up, it is up. I can't imagine sneaking anything past these kids. I can't imagine holding back. Even though there are a LOT of questions and sometimes few versions of an answer, I feel like since this is our situation, since this is the life we are raising them in- we owe it to them to keep it real. But then the week before he leaves turns into days and I see how quickly the days will turn into hours- I freeze.

I am stuck between keeping the machine running or just pulling my parking break and stepping away from the day to day. I feel like I can try to save my gas so I can start up the single Mom again, without having to suffer. It is always my plan to just relax and have tea all day in bed, writing for hours, researching for even more hours. Watching crappy TV, going to the movies that will go by the wayside when he leaves. It is a bit like a vacation for when he is home. My time to get a little selfish and I am not without guilt but I have gotten better at it. It has gotten easier to let myself off the hook. I pretty much give up everything from 7 a.m.-10 p.m. when he's gone. I am the mother, the monster and everything in between.  I fear if I didn't take advantage (guilt or no guilt) I would not be as good as I am . I know it is not PC to say you are good at something- maybe PC is the wrong category but you know, as women, we usually downgrade ourselves constantly. We are too fat, too slow, too tired, too everything. That is exhausting to me.

I am really good at what I do and I am adding to that list every day. I am not as satisfied with the way some things are and that is not to say that they are bad but I believe satisfaction can only come within. Which is why we are planning our journey next year.

If you don't know, Eddie and I are taking the kids and will be touring for a year. When the band is off we will go do whatever the fuck we want. No school, less bills. The world (US in general) is our oyster. In that time, he will be writing a new album and I will be writing a (second) book. I will self publish my short children's book this summer and begin my journey as a real god damn writer. My book will start with the first say on the road and go all the way back.

I can't wait.

Don't forget to listen to our podcast!
You can find it on our website http://spaghettifamily.com/episode-5-the-one-about-the-superbowl/ to listen instantly!
Go to itunes.com or subscribe through your favorite podcast app.

No comments:

Post a Comment