Thursday, January 23, 2014

She went under, continued.

It has been more than 5 months and today I took her to swimming class.
I didn't think about it this morning at all. I just got her suit on, grabbed the baby and went.
To be fair, my husband has taken her the last two weeks, as I have enjoyed the quite time, getting to write or have lunch alone. As the countdown has begun on him leaving, he enjoys getting to take them to do their thing. Whether it is a park, dance class or swimming.

But today my husband had interviews to conduct over the phone so I opted to go. Even while grabbing her green alligator towel, it didn't occur to me that she had once nearly drown.

God, I don't even know if I can write this all...

Deep breath JD, deep fucking breath.

When I got the kids out of the car I still wasn't thinking about it. I took them into the locker room and between the naked old lady ass and Zeke running toward the running showers, it just didn't occur to me the insane amount of anxiety that was waiting for me. That had been waiting for me.

Like, insane amounts.

So she dashes ahead of me as we weave through the locker room hall that leads us to the pool. Past all the little feet and Moms with their giant bags. She makes it to the pool and points out her teacher "I don't even know her name but she's nice" was how she introduced me to her. Una, is her name.
She then walks to the steps that slowly bring you into the water, waved vigorously at me like she does and it hit me.

It smacked me really hard, right in the face... and in the chest. It nearly took my breath away as it did hers on that day.

I had Zeke in my arm and I took him out of the pool room to the lobby which separated her from us with a glass wall. I wanted to watch her swim but I couldn't really be in there.
The glass wall was perfect. It gave me the distance I needed and let Z play so that I could just sit there are figure out how I am going to do this.

I kept looking at her in the pool. I took a few pictures even but every time I let my mind wander, I saw her go under.

I am not sure I will ever get that image out of my head. I don't know if there will ever be a time that I can watch her in the water and not see her eyes close and her hands stop moving... I just don't know. But if I could change anything in my life, it would be this. I have always said I have no regrets in my life and there have been a lot of moments I could have lived without.

But no regrets, except that one time I looked away.

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