Thursday, January 9, 2014

"How do you do it?"

We are asked this question a lot.
With him doing what he does and our having three kids, we are often asked
"how do you do it?"

Mostly we just laugh it off and say we could tell them but we'd have to kill them but lately I am kinda wondering the same thing. It is insane the amount of time we are not together. It is crazy how much he misses and how much I do alone. CRAZY! But you know, I don't feel bad for him or myself. We are a team, if nothing else. The day to day just turns into a machine or maybe we are the machines... days turn into weeks and sometimes months when we are apart and in the end, it all works.

That moment when we arrive at the baggage claim, waiting for him to come up or down the escalator. That is why we do what we do. That is why it is worth it. Our kids aren't thinking of the time they couldn't fall asleep because they missed him so much. They aren't thinking about the ballet class he missed or how they missed eating his perfect omelets every morning (I make a shit omelet).
The moment they see his face they are only elated that he is home. Long gone is the chalkboard count down in Quattro's room and the morning explanation to Elvis of "how many more days?" are gone. When I see them see him, that is my happiest moment. I think it is my first big exhale since I held my breath the day he left... I have to flip a switch or I fear I won't be able to do it again. I know he does too. It is not easy for him to leave while Zeke is crawling and to come back to him walking. My heart would break, his thaws out when he gets home. I don't think he lets himself get sad or in that space of missing things.

It all works, however it does is sort of beyond me. I spend my days waking up to them and enjoying the space of time before we go to bed, to wake up and do it all again.

It's good. I don't take it for granted that I get to be here with them all day. I love the fact that I can be here waiting for our son when he gets home from school. The little kids are napping and we get to hang out and I can listen to him. He can tell me about his day, talk about how shitty middle school kids are and we can just hang. I'm not unfulfilled in my role. It is my best work ever and I know I don't get to do it forever.

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