I have figured out the worst part about being a full time, seemingly single parent of three kids.
Up until this recent discovery (epiphany?) I kinda thought I shaved the "worst parts" into a mere drag... but then it hit me. The worst part is not having time to do fucking anything.
Like really. I don't have time to do anything that doesn't revolve around them. I don't get to have a cup of coffee without someone climbing on me, leaving me to set my cup out of reach, and subsequently out of mind, which leads me to warming it up 3 times and then it is a cup of crap with scalded cream and that filthy scum on the top.
Most importantly I don't have time to write. And write is what I do.
I don't really like to say "have" time in my real life. I think if you make time it's important and see that is another epiphany. I am totally going against something I feel strongly about. I think when people say "I didn't have time to shop for your birthday present" or "I didn't have time to stop by" or call or...
I think they are all full of shit. And for anyone who knows me, knows that I either MAKE the time, or I don't.
So here I am sounding like a drab, idiotic "housewife" which I am so not. I relate to the term housewife just as much as I do, astronaut. I have a house and I am a wife, but I am many, many things and a writer is one. It is THE one. It is the only thing about myself, my true self that I really believe in. I will do it when I am old, I have been writing since I was young. Making up stories, writing about my life. I go to sleep a writer and I wake up a better writer but the problem I am facing is that I don't have... er, I mean make the time to write, so in a sense I am a... dare I say it?
I am nothing?
I cannot seem to make the time and I am becoming afraid that I will only be able to make that time when my children are all grown up and moved out of the house and then I think about all the amazing shit I wanted to write about. I mean, parenting is to a writer what crack is to a crackhead.
When I do MAKE time to write, which is usually at odd times of the night, I am so god damn tired whatever it is I am writing is so sub par. And I think it is complete crap. Such crap that sometimes when I pull out the computer and grab a seat I just think, "Ah, fuck it." and I close the computer and hope the next time goes better.
It's sort of like sex. You know when you are really in the mood and you are standing in line to get coffee? Then once you get home, have dinner, get the kids to bed and MAKE time to have the sex- you aren't as good as you would have been earlier.
Ya. It's like that.
So that is what I need to do for myself. Write when it strikes and apparently have sex while in line for coffee.