Friday, November 23, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving, all your crap is busted.

It is Thanksgiving... well, actually it isn't anymore. It's is 12 a.m. on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving and I have no idea what the date is. Which is beside the point.
It's over.  It was nice because my Mother came up for a week but I think I have one too many kids to sneak upstairs and take a nap for 3 hours midday. Shit.
Anyway, all of that hoopla for it and then, boom. (so anti-climatic, it doesn't even deserve all cap's).
It was nice. I have nothing to complain about and everything to be thankful for but it seems a little amiss, as I miss my husband. And since it is officially past, I am not going to talk about it.
He isn't here and hasn't been for what can only be known as A REALLY FUCKING LONG TIME! Notice the cap's, this has climax. Heh heh heh...
When he returns on Christmas eve (yes. Christmas eve) he will have been home no more than 6 days in 15 weeks. Annnnnnnnd, that's a lot. (Oh and we have a baby that is 21 weeks old, so no big deal.
I miss him and I miss the whole family dynamic, I feel very much as though we are growing over him like skin would grow over a bb, embedded into your chest. Even though that is a gross thought, it is very much the way it feels and that sucks.
I worry. I worry that we may unintentionally take on our own lives and never be able to meet up again. Physically we will be in that place but mentally and emotionally, it seems very possible. There seems to be a growing trend in couples splitting up. Ones that have been together longer, ones that seemed way better matched (E and I are opposites down to the bone), I just wonder what happens? It is as if I am less scared about "it" happening and more afraid of "what"? Like, what happens? I am still very much in love and he me, so if we find ourselves in that spot do we like... get a memo? Is there an app for that?
I hate being honest in a blog but I was told recently that I should keep writing and because there are seemingly deeper issues going on in my head, it seems odd but then I'm like "fuck it". If you are going to do it, do it. So I'm doing it. Well, writing that is.
I am not leaving my husband, so ladies- settle the shit down. I am just stating that there comes a time in your life, when you are married to a rock n' roller, that you go- "oh." and then you sigh and hope to cuss he is thinking the same thing. It is a very big "oh" and more like an "ooooooooooooooooooh", like "I knew this or I should have and yet here we are, learning fucking chinese" but in a way it is comforting to know we are learning chinese together. Although he is a slack ass student and you know what I mean, guys are LAZY! They don't know what to do or say and they just pretend you will forget and blah..... I say stupid shit like "you need to do stuff" and he's like "ok, (image of a dumb, panting dog.... nnnnnnNOW!) like what?" and I'm all "I can't tellllllll you what to do, then I might as well do it for myself. You need to think of stuff and do it and mean it and..." and he says nothing but I am fluent in thought bubble, I can even read it over the phone- so I know he's like "... then why don't you just... do... it... yourself...?!!"
It's all the same. Don't matter if your man digs a ditch or signs CD's at 2 a.m. I know, I know. I am not special and I don't get treated special and that is fine by me but at least you get to sleep next to your stinkin', snorin', bed hoggin', ditch diggin' husband every night.

15 comments:

  1. i miss you on instagram, so i thought i'd come over here to see what's happening :).

    i can only imagine how tough this would be- emotionally, physically, mentally, socially- to be apart, but to try to stay together- connected.

    it is tough for us- since my husband is in school, and in a job that he is not particularly happy with, but like you said- we still share the same bed night after night.

    from what i have seen though (obviously only via instagram, but...)- you guys have IT. something different, special, unbreakable. sorry to be totally 'cheesy' here, but your love for one another SHINES loud and clear.

    i am always amazed at your independence & strength of character (that shines loud and clear too :)), but it is only natural to get tired of doing it all- alone.

    i am rambling, but just wanted to say, i do get it...

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    1. So happy to hear from you beautiful ladies!

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  2. Hey dear Jess,
    I meant to write back/comment earlier, didn't find the silent minutes to put down in words what I'd like to say. And Torrie just said what I think actually. How can just everyone here express anything exactly the way I think ;) ?!
    I don't have a husband, but I have that big IKEA-dog (cuddly toy) that is in my arms every night, cause my daughter refuses to sleep in my bed anymore (for understandable reasons, she's 19 yrs old). Should I say 'unfortunately' I don't have a husband? I'm not 100% sure, on the one hand I'd love to have the man I love around me all the time (still remember how good it feels), on the other hand I'm a bit like a wild horse, don't need anyone to tame me, just to run with me. Something like that. Although the fear of being alone by the time I'm really old is existing.
    So even if I don't have a man/hubby in my bed I still can relate to you. You are tough and I guess you kinda new what you're getting into with Eddie, but you couldn't know for sure back then how it will feel then. Of course not. No one knows how it will be in the future. When I got pregnant I had no idea how it will be to raise a child. And before your 1st child you just don't have any imagination at all, not how fantastic it is to be a mother and also not how exhausting and energy-sucking motherhood can be sometimes, motherhood is not for whimps.
    On the other side (getting back to you & Eddie), you don't have a choice if you just fall heavily in love for each other, do you? Women usually don't have an ON/OFF-button, I don't have one for sure, put one on my wishing list for x-mas though.
    So I think you do everything right, and being nerved and exhausted and pissed off about the situation is your fucking good right I think. But I agree with Torrie: You & Eddie and Q, Elvis & Z, you have IT! Your love shines loud and clear and it is so obvious that you are an outstanding amazing and really wonderful person (via IG... yes I know. By the way: Read your stuff about being on IG not that often anymore etc. - good point. Completely understood. Still I miss you at IG, but I am with you. Will send sth by postal service soon, cause it has been lying around here forever now ^^)

    I know how good it feels to fall asleep and wake up with the man you love. My struggle in life at the moment is to get over the fact that my love of my life left me. And maybe he was just meant to be 'the one' for a certain amount of time. I can't tell. It has felt like hell the last months and I'm going through basically all kind of emotions one could imagine, besides I really wonder about myself, I don't know me like this! But I'll get over it somehow, I'm a trooper, I'm a survivor, always have been, but this really is quite heavy stuff for me and brings me to my limits. - - Why the fuck am I telling you this, whining like a baby? Cause you might envy the women who have their men in their bed every night, understood, I know how envy feels like, but maybe it consolates you a little bit, that your husband loves you to bits as far as I can judge through your blog, IG and FB. (I know of course that you shouldn't measure your own misery with others whose misery is worse, but sometimes it helps for a short moment ;)
    Eddie loves you and he will never leave you, how great is that?! You are doing the right thing and you have every right to think things through, reflect ... in the end you stick together, all five of you. That counts!

    I hope I put everything in the right proper English way and I hope you understand everything the right way, sometimes I'm not sure if I express it the way I mean it.
    If there's anything I can do, let me know, even if I'm across the ocean ;)

    *hug*

    Cheers,
    Kelly

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    1. KellY! Holy shit! I am so sorry. Geez, that is terrible but you will survive.
      I feel like stages of our lives are like pieces of a movie, you are the sad part but keep you spirits up.
      No one is immune. I'm very aware that relationships can fall apart at any time of the course of years or moments.
      Thanks fir writing.

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  3. I was missing you too on IG so hopped over here to ole blog.

    I just want to send some love your way...

    ~CC

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  4. Hi Jessika,
    Keep writing! :) I know how it can feel so natural and come so easy once you sit and start typing or scribbling down whats in you head... BUT I also know that is can be so hard to just sit and DO it... especially as we become older and have our families, and just life in general... that takes up our time, or when we finally do have a free moment, its so easy to just sleep, or have a few drinks, or surf the net or whatver... but from one writer (trying to find my voice again) to another... keep it up! I enjoy reading your stuff.. and clearly others do too :)
    Thank you, for pointing out the blessings I have... We often forget to be grateful for what's right in front of us sometimes, huh? I do get to sleep next to my hub every night, and I am truly thankful for that... it's a wonderful feeling to roll over and swing an arm over that snoring lump of man, heehee... and I really cannot imagine not having him there every day, I truly give you props for being such a tough lady... its very inspiring.. (not because my husband is going to leave/go on tour, lol.. but because you are handling you shite, being an awesome mama who is there for her kids, and just reeks of confidence and idependence ~even if you may not always feel that way~ and I find that very inspiring :)
    anyway, what i wanted to say is although I get to sleep next to my husband, and yes, I am vry happy for this blessing... I also know, that not everyone who has a spouse to sleep next to is happy about it, or in love, or not thinking about running away or thinking about another person, etc. So... although I know it must be SO hard not seeing your best friend every day... take comfort in the fact that he IS coming home to YOU! As the other ladies mentioned, based off just the glimpses we get into your lives/relationship w/Eddie... The love is there... I see it.. everyone sees it, and its so beautiful! Much better to have that love, and have to be aprt for awhile, then sleeping next to someone every night without the love... IMHO :}

    missin' you on IG and sendin' you hugs :o)
    -yoli

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  5. Ok, that was SO super sweet. Everyone is so supportive, it is nice to read. I have zero tine to type the response needed (1a.m. Just put the finishing touches on my sons 12 th bday party scavenger hunt that's Saturday) just nursing baby Z for hopefully the last time tonight... Anyway, great to hear from you. Can't wait to be back on IG!

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  6. Like I said, keep writing girl. Oprah demands it.

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  7. I came here to see what you'd do with that grocerybag. Eh, is this an akward moment?

    I don't know what you're going through. Well, I might. Mine used to be a rocknroller but he was never gone for that long and it was before we had Iggy. The thing that you pinpoint as the problem is also what I sometimes miss about it: being apart means you get to miss eachother while experiencing new things. Living your own life and having things to tell each other. No awkward silence at the dinnertable because there's nothing to talk about.

    Every lifestyle has it's downsides.

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  8. This is a late comment but I just read your blog for the first time today! LOVE The Male Peacock post !! SO TRUE!!

    I have been married 14 years and still get the same feelings with my husband home every night but thats not what I am here to tell you.

    I was at a Supersuckers Show the day after Thanksgiving and asked Eddie if he made it home for Thanksgiving he said no and looked pretty sad about it. My husband and I talked to him for a while about your kids and how he doesn't have enough arms for all of them now :)
    We had our boys there (they even went on stage for the final bow).
    Anyway I guess what I am here to tell you is he really lit up talking about his family ! I hope you guys endure you give the rest of us hope :)

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  9. Jessika,

    I am one of those people behind the curve on everything that has to do with technology, so I just found this page. I only discovered Instagram right around Christmas. I found you through your husbands account: my husband and I went to see him play in our sleepy little CA desert town no too long ago.

    Your blog from Thanksgiving brought tears to my eyes as it mimics my Holiday season of the previous year. My husband is also a musician (plays in the DWARVES) and it's always refreshing to see that there's someone else out there that "gets it!" We have two teenagers and I am frequently left, for weeks on end, to deal with running the household.

    I have found myself in the place of having to put on the brave, happy face to everyone around me because they simply don't understand what it's like. We have to be superheros without the glory. We spend long, sleepless nights missing our favorite companions. There's no one around to help do the dishes or to throw that load of laundry in because we're too tired to lift the pile. Not to mention running kids to school, errands, projects and lessons. And the best part is, spending weeks getting a new routine down and having things start to flow and then THEY come home and fuck it all up again Ha ha! God forbid I should have a weak moment and make a complaint - the standard response I get is, "Well this is what you signed up for!" I swore years ago that I would punch the next person that told me that and thankfully I've resisted. Through it all, it's the love that keeps me pushing through the wacky life that we lead. But it sure is nice to see that I'm not alone.

    I think your blog is wonderful and I'm glad I found it. Keep posting and I will keep reading and taking a bizarre sort of comfort from it ;)

    Ali

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  10. Ali, I don't know why I never saw this! We should talk. Are you on IG? pM me if you are @yourmom206

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