I usually am not one to blog about serious stuff. I mean, the birth of my daughter (with an insanely graphic, amazing, beautiful picture included) sure, but some things are just best not to share. There are a lot of things I choose not to share and that is why I go weeks without writing. Sometimes life is just fucked. It's too deep.
Now is that time but I am choosing to let myself off the hook.
Death is something I have not had to deal with much. I have not been spared this incredibly desperate tragedy but it is not something that has plagued my life. I'm lucky, I think.
Right now though... I am feeling every bit the pain and agony that surrounds this part of everyone's life. No matter how much or how little we have to deal with death, I am firm believer that it sucks all the same.
So he's dying and I can't do anything about it. He is old, but not old enough. He will be leaving behind my Grandmother and I worry about her. Where will she go? Who will she love? And- can she die of a broken heart?
I will. I will absolutely lose a huge part of myself when he dies. I will never recover, I will never ever be the same. He was the father I never had and the Grandfather everyone wanted. He spent quality time with my son, who absolutely thinks of him as a Grandfather- not a Great Grandfather. He showed him how to work on cars and told him stories. He played butterflies with my daughter, she read him stories. He held her when she was a baby and was proud I named her after his beautiful wife of over 60 years. I am so glad I had children early in life. In a lot of ways I believe my life played out like it did so I could share him with them, they are better people because of it. My husband never met his Grandparents, mine were happy to take him in. The fact that my children got to spend even part of their youth knowing and loving the two of them- I will always feel proud of that.
He was there for everything, he has seen and done so much. The world and every part of my being will never be the same. Holidays will have a physical hole in them. December 22 (his birthday) will be sad for an eternity.
I am sure we will all be able to stomach the loss at some part of our lives. I guess that is part of the process but I'm skeptical at best. I can't prepare. I have no idea when the call will come and truthfully I could get that call about anyone in my life but it is Ole that I have a heavy heart for every night, every afternoon and every morning.