Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Okay. Now what?

That is sort of what it feels like after you have a baby.
I went to the hospital today to get the lamest blood test- the PKU, on the baby. They poke and squeeze the shit out of their heel, dabbing blood on a piece of paper. I read there is a urine test that "we" don't do- I'm guessing because it is more fun to poke an infants heel and watch them scream.
Anyway, I am losing my train of thought- the newest member of my day to day...
I walked into the hospital and instantly felt like I could cry. It is all over.
The hubbub, the awesome chaos that is pregnancy. The whirlwind, the importance of what your doing, what you are holding in your abdomen. It's all over.
Now it's just me, walking in with a stroller.
What is that?
It's not like I wish I was still pregnant. I really don't. I just have this feeling of being dissatisfied.
In life?
Not really.
In my being a Mother?
Not at all.
It's just this low lying feeling, in the pit of my stomach that makes me ask "now what?".
I'm not sure.
I have three kids and a great husband, so it is not like I am missing anything.
I have a thought that maybe while being pregnant I was actively doing something that came to an end and now my mind is wishing, (needing?) something to put into the future to "work towards"?
Could be.
I feel like my first child saved my life. He absolutely did- and that is another blog entry for another day.
My second changed the game. Completely. She turned us upside down in the best way. We would not be who we are today without her.
And my last... hard to say. I feel like he is giving me a purpose in a way. He has forced me to write about this. He has given me a reason to tap into what plagues a lot of us, with the "baby blues" or PPD- there are so many levels or stages... maybe it's not that serious and maybe it could get that way. Either way, for me this is my therapy. I can afford it, I have time for it and maybe it will work.


  1. My friend and I call it the fish bowl effect. After birth, you are "here" and present, but you are in another world. The fish bowl distorts your views and changes how you see things and how you see yourself. We both felt like things were happening for us and to us, but the world just kept going ... at a distance. Sometimes we would yearn to go beyond the glass but getting to the other side seemed nearly impossible.

    We have had 6 babies between us ... I know all experiences are different, but living in a fish bowl for a few months seems to sum it all up.

    You just did a HUGE, fantastic, miraculous (and sometimes frighting and exhausting) thing. Your Mojo is waiting for you. Let your psyche rest a bit and it will be there when you are ready.

    Congratulations! Looking forward to hearing about the adventures of Zeke.

  2. You are so right. And sweet. Thank you.
    Sometimes we just need someone to say "it's ok" or "SNAP OUT OF IT!".
    If I am still bitching in a few months (oh god, please let it only be weeks) please send me the latter.

  3. Hey! I found something to fill that gap of working towards something ...

    a bit later of course!
    : )