Sunday, June 3, 2012

Maybe it's been too long...

I haven't written in what feels like years. There has been so much going on in my life, not "busy work" but real "take every ounce of your energy" work- that and I have a family to run.
I could bore you with what has been going on and that would be one of the last blog posts you would read, I'm sure. If I even have any readers left. Either way, life is pretty fucking good.
I am due to give birth, to what will most likely be my last child. Up until the last week or so, I have been totally fine with that concept. That reality. But now, I makes me sad.
I don't want to have more kids, just the knowing that this is the last time I will experience all of this, is a little heavy.
A lot of things are heavy right now.
My son is ending his elementary school years in no less than 3 weeks. It's weird to be there the first day of Kindergarten and every day since- now he is done. Middle school. Soon, high school, college... it IS happening at break neck speedy-speed. I love it. I am SO proud, he is an amazing child but I am really afraid I will lose my shit come "graduation day". I quote that because my husband insists he is not graduating, he is simply moving from the 5th to the 6th grade... we'll see how tough he is when our nearly 5' tall baby walks across the stage and they call his name- in that second I know he (as well as I will see a flash of our boy, a mere 5 year old with missing teeth and dimples for god damn miles. It will hit him. And if it doesn't- I will.
I am so sentimental. I am weepy. It sucks.
I am a hard shell. No one cried in my family. They all did and still do it in private and I can't stand it, never could but as an adult, I just don't have a lot to cry about. I am not sad a lot. Depression is something I keep far away from myself (also runs in the family) by just choosing to BE HAPPY. That's it. That is my big fucking secret. I just choose it.
I wake up every day, like everyone else and whether I had a bad night or foresee a bad day- I just decided in that moment to be happy.
And not every day does it work out so peachy. I do have my days, I am not a robot. But most days, that's all it takes. I have a lot to be happy about.
Like this new baby!
HOLY SHIT! I am going to have another baby... I am still wrapping my head around it. I am going to go in on the 12th (if all goes according to plan) and have myself a baby.
The fears are there, like with the other two. You worry- is he okay? Will I be okay?
I am having surgery and as much as I don't like that idea, the idea of having my child fall limp in my arms again (Quattro was rushed to the NICU for 24 hours because he stopped breathing about 10 minutes after birth... I shudder to think) I have to.
People are weird about c-sections. I mean, I realize it is ridiculous to just "want" one but when I say I am having one, people sometimes say "Oh don't do that- you will be sorry". Sorry is not something you tell someone who is going to be cut in half to have a healthy baby. Sorry is what they would be if I had the energy to knock them out. Why do people assume to know your business?
Speaking of energy, I am being hit with the fact that I have none left.
I have a week to go, Eddie is on tour- life is slightly stressful knowing that I could go into labor at any time. I am full term. This is a wild ride.
I "okayed" this tour just knowing that it's the little things that sometimes make life exciting but now that I am here, sitting on 6 days with no husband... I am a little freaked. I'm not going to lie.
But I have the most amazing friends. My friend Matt said "we have a pretty good village" the other day, as he was letting me know him and his family had my back while E is gone and you know- he is absolutely right. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have the most amazing friends that would absolutely do anything for me and my family- and us to them.
If you are missing that in your life and you have kids- my advice. Volunteer at school. Find your "life partners" parent partners. They are priceless (and worth the grueling PTA meetings).


  1. I just wrote something a bit earlier, but it disappeared. Strange.
    My daughter just graduated. She is finished with school forever. Wow. Wasn't it just when she went to highschool? Time REALLY flies, you hear this everywhere, but it's true. My little girl graduated and will start studying next. *sigh*

    I wish you all the best for the 12th, lots of love from Berlin, Germany to you and your family including the soon new-born of course!

    Take care!

    Stefanie Kelly

    P.S.: Always enjoy reading your blog, no matter if you write regularly or rarely. Always something in it I absolutely agree with, something that consolates me, makes me smile or makes me cry with you (I start crying easily since my daughter was born, as if there is a certain hormone that didn't re-develop or something like that ^^). Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  2. Ya, what is that? I def feel like I either have a new hormone or like you said- one didn't redevelop, either way it is a bit tough... to be tough.
    Thanks for reading and the nice words. Encouragement goes a long way when you are a Mom, seems we are the ones that get encouraged the least sometimes.