Friday, August 30, 2013

3 days was better than no days

but I am still left with this stupid feeling of "you are doing it wrong!".
Since about May I have been compiling thoughts of a different life.
Not that I have a bad life, shit, I don't even have a less than stellar life. My life rules.
But I am finding that the days and weeks, that turn into months and many months, are just not okay anymore. I am finding that I miss my life, pre-kids.
Don't get crazy. I am not saying I wish I didn't have kids. I would be nothing without them, but I am missing the travel. The journey.
I fucking miss my husband.
When we picked him up on Monday night, I knew it was going to be brief. I knew he would sleep no more than 4 nights in our bed. I knew I would wake up to him bringing me coffee only a few times.
I am good at this, usually. I am good at setting myself up for the time we get to be with him. There's usually nothing or everything going on in the days he's home. This time it was a little bit of both.
We celebrated our daughters 4th birthday party a bit early, so he could be a part of it. The plan was perfect but it left us all more sad than we were- and that is the problem.
It is getting old. It is getting to be too much.
It is getting to the girl, the boy and the baby.
This past May I was spending an afternoon on the phone with my husband. The kids were asleep and I was talking wildly about how lame it is that he is missing everything. How him missing 2 out of 3 kids first steps has finally taken it's toll on us and how we needed to do something.
I am not sure how it came up but I know it was me who blurted out "we should get an RV or something!".
To know my husband at all, is to know that he is always, always, always supportive. Even if he thinks it is the worst idea ever, he will support you.
But this time I think he really liked the idea, although I know he thought I was kidding.
I'm not.
I wasn't.
And I'm still not.
Everyday I have these conversations with myself about how life would be.
When I wake up in the morning and get the baby (first up), I picture how it would be in an RV... like would he have a bed or would he be sleeping next to me? Then what? Like would I take him for a walk? Make coffee while the others slept?
What would it look like? Would there be wood paneling everywhere? I don't know the last time I was inside an RV. Can we afford an RV? What does one cost? Can people actually live in them?

Okay, so let me back up a little.
My idea is to pack up our entire home and put nearly everything we own in storage. I would like to sell our car and buy an RV, pack our asses up and just go.
I want to wake up in the morning in a new place. I want to see my friends in NY, instead of seeing pictures my husband takes of them while he's there.
I want to park it in front of my Mom's house in AZ and spend some time down there, when the weather is nice and I have no time frame.
I want to spend time with my Grandmother.
I want to be with my husband. I want my kids to be with their father.
I need us all to be together, having the same goal again.

I am not sure what happened to the goal. I am not sure what happened to our Daly mantra, our reason for doing "this".

What is this?
Better yet, what are we doing?
Gah... I have no fucking clue. And I am not okay with that.

Elvis asked me this morning, "why can't I go with Daddy?"...
I had no good reason and that pretty much solidifies the thing. We have to do something different, otherwise we are no different than the families who work themselves to the bone and miss everything.
It's not worth it.

He's missing us and we are missing him. But what is keeping us apart? Why are we staying here in Seattle, while he is seeing the world? So we can all enjoy the Pacific Northwest with him 3 months out of the year? Eh. I think there has to be a better way.
Unconventional? Yeah. But so is what we are doing.
I am the only single Mom who is married that I know. It's weird.
Who knows, maybe we will become vagabonds forever. Maybe we do it for a year and get our fill.
I just know no one is happy being apart, so we have to do something about it.

Stay tuned.

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant. And gutsy. And totally worth all the effort to get you There. I'm in! I'll cheer you on and encourage you at every turn. You've got this!!! :D xo