Friday, August 9, 2013

She went under

You hear on the news(and maybe even know someone who knows someone) about kids drowning more than we would like. But to hear something tragic is just that, hearing. To live something tragic is something I have never experienced quite like I did today.

After breakfast and packing up the car, we decided (after my insisting) to go for a swim. It was an hour before check out and we never swim in Seattle, so I figured the hotel had a pool, we should take advantage (like we always do).

I want to take a second to explain that I am a woman of signs. I live my life by them. Well sort of.
I look for them and pick up on them and I like that about myself. I have a sixth sense, I always have.

So when we decided to go swimming we had to go get another key, so we could go into the room and put our suits on. On returning to the pool, Quattro realized he had forgot the key on the table, so we had to go BACK to the front desk (she was not amused). Right then I should have put everyone in the car and left. Man... why didn't I just leave?

We all splashed around and swam for about 15 minutes. After which Zeke was getting bored. I was sitting on the side of the pool with my feet in and Elvis was standing on the second step like 8 inches away from me. Quattro was talking to me and I got up and grabbed Z (who had headed for the grass) and when I turned around I was telling Q he needs to practice his freestyle and I looked at Elvis.

And I froze.

I saw her eyes wide open. Her hair was like a lions mane around her head and her mouth looked like a fish.
She was gulping and swallowing water. No sound. No movement and just like that, she went under.

I screamed.


Q picked her up by her armpits and I grabbed her arm and laid her limp body on the deck.
I didn't panic. I just remember Quattro's face was so blank. He had no idea what was happening. I could not believe what was happening. I could not fucking believe it.

She had the most intensely peaceful look on her face and it scared the shit out of me.
As I leaned in to do CPR and she started to cough so I leaned her up and she threw up pool water and was breathing.

The moments after were a blur. I took her into the room and she was pale but alert. I grabbed the keys and we went to the hospital.

They watched me in there. I could tell they were trying to gauge how good of a mother I was.
I don't think they were judging me. They see worse all the time but I felt their eyes wash over me and their ears hung on every word. I was stone faced. I didn't even cry. I was like a robot.
When we left I just wanted to go home. I wanted to be home. I thought about scrapping the rest of the trip and just driving straight home.

I didn't.

We are all rallying around each other.
Quattro was shaken up in a way I will not know. He saw the life of his baby sister fall out of her. He knows how close we came.
I know that I will be a different parent from now on. I will not be as relaxed as I am. It may suck. I may hate it but I can't take any chances.

I almost lost someone I know I can't live without.
I love her more today than I ever have loved anyone.
I can't stop looking at her. I can't stop telling her I'm sorry.
I cried so much on the drive. All three kids in the backseat watching movies.
I cried about the accident. I cried about the loss of my "mom-dar" and mostly I cried because I will never get that picture of her face out of my head.
I will forgive myself, eventually. No time soon.
I will move on and be a better person, mother and friend but I will forever miss the days that I had before knowing this kind of heartache.


  1. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Please know that you're still a wonderful mom. <3

  2. Thank you for your kind words. I reread this post a lot. I'm sadistic I guess. I never want to let my guard down, so I come back here and open the wound.

  3. Jessika-
    Just reading thru this entry was enough to make me not breathe for....I dunno, lost count. Anyway, we don't know each other outside of a claim I can make of seeing Eddie solo and the'suckers numerous times. Doesn't make me any cooler. However, looking down at my one-year old daughter playing with her plastic pony while trying to uncap the lotion and eat some cardboard....I can't say I know at all how you feel / felt but just pictured Amber's face whenever you mentioned Elvis'. I am surprised you found the words to share, sadist or not. Yes, you most likely won't ever get over this but at some point, when you read thru ur writings later, you will see what a good mom and great parent you were and are, exactly what Elvis, Quatro, and your clan needed and needs.