Saturday, November 16, 2013

Where have all the good men gone?

Last night my husband and I got into an argument. It ended with him sleeping and me up late working.
We aren't perfect and we fight and I enjoy it because we get it out, we are both heard and no one has to be right, wrong or even sorry.

I can't stand when someone says "sorry", probably because it is so overused.
My children even know that when you are in the wrong "I'm sorry" is the bare minimum.
They also know what I think about the bare minimum.

Anyway, I got to thinking about my husband (complete incompetence aside, kidding!) and how ironic it is that we are both devoted parents who completely lack Fathers.

Our stories are different. He grew up with a great father. One who cared for him and one whom he looked up to. A late in life divorce changed him to the core and has left his children all but fatherless.

My story is more of a classic version. She just married the wrong guy. I feel lucky though, she took her role as sole parent in stride. We made it, she did it, but why?

Why are men so susceptible to leave? why are they the ones that just pack up and go? How is that?
I know there is not an ounce of that in my body. I couldn't leave if I wanted to, my heart just isn't capable of leaving. I know my children will grow up and move on and have lives of their own but even then, I will have to be in their lives.

So what happened? In a case a new baby, parents split- how does the man leave? What about the late divorce?  What happened there? How could one spend his life being a father and then POOF! gone?  I understand that when the child is small it is the Mother who most often gets the baby, so the man has to play by her rules or the courts rule. But no matter what, how can you just leave them without a father?

A very dear friend of mine had a baby and was not with the mother and he has gone to the ends of the earth (seriously, he is in AZ) to be with this child. This girl is the luckiest girl in the world and she has no idea. He doesn't have anything in his path but her. I am convinced he knows something that most men don't. That childhood is fleeing and that they are only young once. He knows he will get to find his path again.

Because lets face it, when they are grown and move out, we have to be on their terms and well, it's probably not always ideal. I don't plan to follow my son to where ever he ends up. I won't be moving to the house next to his apartment or whatever, but when he is all mine now. I would never leave, no matter what and I know my husband wouldn't either.

The case with my father is a classic. It is so overplayed it is practically in children's books.
But still, how could you?  It is impossible for me to imagine holding my baby and then just writing them off. And I am speaking for everyone who was raised without a father. I am speaking for everyone who had a father and then as an adult was left to wonder why they are suddenly left without one.
And not separated by death- that is different. Although it does feel like a death sometimes. 


  1. I've certainly seen my share of men who leave, many who leave and try to stay involved- some who can and some who fail, and some who are kind distance at best. I think the good ones are still out there, though, but I often wonder if I'm not just exposed constantly, to some of the best dads in the world.

  2. You don't even know how heavy this has been on my heart lately... My half sister threw it in my face that it is my fault I am not close with "her" father. I had a father. He left us for a child bride seven years older than myself and started over. From 11 on we were poor and fatherless. Just gone. No birthdays no phone calls. How does one DO that? My own husband died when my children were babies... he'd never of left on purpose. My kids should be the few pathetic cases without a daddy.... but sadly they are the norm. When I see fathers hugging their daughters (at any age) it makes me cry inside because neither myself nor my daughters have this. I think the strong father daughter bond is one of my favorite things about the Spaghettis. I envy your little star and her relationship with her daddy. You are a good mama for making the nest something worth fighting to come home to. (and btw...I later I remarried a single father who was raising his little one all by himself... the mother abandoned her 9 month old. What a piece of shit, eh?)

  3. Joel you are right. We are lucky to have the friends we do and see strong fathers.

  4. I haven't seen my father for like 20 years. In March 2012 we finally met after I wrote to him wondering if I am still existing for him. When we met a lot of emotions & interesting facts came up (I am quite daddy's girl I found out). He's not the best character in the world, he has not changed at all, but he is my father, and this father-daughter-thing is a funny thing. I'm happy that he's proud of me and that he loves me. He is the person he is, sometimes a bit tiring, but I'm glad that he's back into my life. We meet quite regularly now, talk on the phone here and then and it feels good to have my father back who isn't denying me anymore.