Somewhere between postpartum and "WTF now?"

That's where I am and I guess unless you have been here before you are thinking I am some kind of crazy.
This blog is about to get a little less lighthearted, so if you aren't into it- I bid you farewell.
Two weeks ago I had our third child and every ounce of the experience felt like the first.
It was just as exciting, we had the time of our lives. He is amazing, I am recovering from surgery well- all seems fantastic. Really- well, it should be.
A week to the day, my Grandfather passes. This is news I knew was coming. It hung like an unfortunate mistletoe... I thought of him everyday and my last wish was that he could meet the one who will pass on his name.
We named our son Zeke Ole Wild Daly.
Ole is my beloved Grandfather- he was so much more to me. To everyone who knew him and that was many.
My last wish wasn't granted, and you know that is just par for the course for me.
My Grandfather was very predictable, this is something I didn't inherit. I am not- neither are my wishes.
Maybe I wish for the wrong thing. I should've wished for a cure for Parkinson's Disease?
A week has passed since we lost him and I have felt Ole with me more so than at any other point in my life.
I can't stop crying.
I am not a crier. Something I did inherit from my Grandfather. I never once saw him cry.
I am sad that my daughter will never remember him, through her own memories.
It devastated me to have to tell my 11 year old son, who will remember that day forever.
It's not fair that my Grandmother is now alone, although I am sure there is a weight lifted, she will hopefully be able to enjoy that at some point, when all the madness ends.
I am also missing my husband, who has just called to tell me he has landed safely in Sydney. He and my son left yesterday, the boy to visit Grandparents in Arkansas.
Initially I had thought it would be okay to have them both gone, as my Mother would be here with me and the little ones. She is a great nurse, housekeeper and all around Grandmother- but with the passing of her Father, she had to go home- leaving me and the babies, reluctantly but I of course, insisted.
Now I am sort of regretting the trips I said were okay to take, although being forced back into reality is a good thing. A blessing in a way- it is going to happen eventually. I guess I go kicking and screaming, but I go.
I'm at a crossroads of sorts. I feel abandoned and tired and irritated and happy. I miss my friends, yet I don't want to see anyone.
I want my husband.
Which is interesting in itself. I am feeling for the first time in a long time (ever?) that he is now the backbone of this house. Maybe all this time, he is the one who actually makes it run best.
I don't give him enough credit.
I am somewhat bossy and a know-it-all at times. I feel like doing it all gave me that right and for some reason, right now, that seems so stupid, I can't put it into words.
So where do you go when you are in between PPD and WTFN?
I don't know.
Write, I guess.
I am going to write about it, incessantly. It is dripping out of me and I never have the time to talk about it and you know I am not sure what talking about it would do. If I talk about my Grandfather, I can't stop crying and so that's sort of "off limits" but the whole feeling of PPD is vague- I am not depressed. I don't need to be hospitalized but I am feeling the let down, the "can I do this?", the "what the fuck now?".

Zeke Ole Wild Daly

He's here. We did it.
We have successfully brought another awesome human into this world.
Looking at this kid, I just melt like he was my first. I can't help but want to hold him every second and squeeze my other two that much harder every day.
I am seriously the luckiest Mom. I have fantastic kids, a rad husband... I am floating.
Happy birthday Zeke. You are so loved.
We named him after our favorite band. My Grandfather, Ole and Wild is because he is wild at heart. I can just tell.

6.12.12
8 lb 11 oz
18 3/4"
9:31 a.m.

Dude.

I'm tired.
Like, I pulled into the Target parking lot and Elvis was content watching... what was she watching?
and I actually drifted off. It was most likely for a minute or two but it scared me. I am really fucking tired.
Wow.
Right now I should be doing this or that and all I can do is sit here in the office, where I just made a bed for E's "dolly-dolls" and now I am typing just to pass the time.
No offense.
If I sit on the couch, I will fall asleep.
If I go upstairs, I will fall asleep.
Shit, if I go for a drive, I will most likely fall asleep.
You would not believe that I am typing with my eyes closed. But I am.
What do I do? What does one do? It's dinner time, I have no back up- if I order pizza one more time I will kill myself.
I'm complaining. I shouldn't. I should just go strangle my doctor and tell him if he doesn't give me something to sleep I will be his worst fucking nightmare next week when he delivers me.
If I don't get some sleep soon, I am going to start crying publicly, whenever I get a chance.

Maybe it's been too long...

I haven't written in what feels like years. There has been so much going on in my life, not "busy work" but real "take every ounce of your energy" work- that and I have a family to run.
I could bore you with what has been going on and that would be one of the last blog posts you would read, I'm sure. If I even have any readers left. Either way, life is pretty fucking good.
I am due to give birth, to what will most likely be my last child. Up until the last week or so, I have been totally fine with that concept. That reality. But now, I makes me sad.
I don't want to have more kids, just the knowing that this is the last time I will experience all of this, is a little heavy.
A lot of things are heavy right now.
My son is ending his elementary school years in no less than 3 weeks. It's weird to be there the first day of Kindergarten and every day since- now he is done. Middle school. Soon, high school, college... it IS happening at break neck speedy-speed. I love it. I am SO proud, he is an amazing child but I am really afraid I will lose my shit come "graduation day". I quote that because my husband insists he is not graduating, he is simply moving from the 5th to the 6th grade... we'll see how tough he is when our nearly 5' tall baby walks across the stage and they call his name- in that second I know he (as well as I will see a flash of our boy, a mere 5 year old with missing teeth and dimples for god damn miles. It will hit him. And if it doesn't- I will.
I am so sentimental. I am weepy. It sucks.
I am a hard shell. No one cried in my family. They all did and still do it in private and I can't stand it, never could but as an adult, I just don't have a lot to cry about. I am not sad a lot. Depression is something I keep far away from myself (also runs in the family) by just choosing to BE HAPPY. That's it. That is my big fucking secret. I just choose it.
I wake up every day, like everyone else and whether I had a bad night or foresee a bad day- I just decided in that moment to be happy.
And not every day does it work out so peachy. I do have my days, I am not a robot. But most days, that's all it takes. I have a lot to be happy about.
Like this new baby!
HOLY SHIT! I am going to have another baby... I am still wrapping my head around it. I am going to go in on the 12th (if all goes according to plan) and have myself a baby.
The fears are there, like with the other two. You worry- is he okay? Will I be okay?
I am having surgery and as much as I don't like that idea, the idea of having my child fall limp in my arms again (Quattro was rushed to the NICU for 24 hours because he stopped breathing about 10 minutes after birth... I shudder to think) I have to.
People are weird about c-sections. I mean, I realize it is ridiculous to just "want" one but when I say I am having one, people sometimes say "Oh don't do that- you will be sorry". Sorry is not something you tell someone who is going to be cut in half to have a healthy baby. Sorry is what they would be if I had the energy to knock them out. Why do people assume to know your business?
Speaking of energy, I am being hit with the fact that I have none left.
I have a week to go, Eddie is on tour- life is slightly stressful knowing that I could go into labor at any time. I am full term. This is a wild ride.
I "okayed" this tour just knowing that it's the little things that sometimes make life exciting but now that I am here, sitting on 6 days with no husband... I am a little freaked. I'm not going to lie.
But I have the most amazing friends. My friend Matt said "we have a pretty good village" the other day, as he was letting me know him and his family had my back while E is gone and you know- he is absolutely right. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have the most amazing friends that would absolutely do anything for me and my family- and us to them.
If you are missing that in your life and you have kids- my advice. Volunteer at school. Find your "life partners" parent partners. They are priceless (and worth the grueling PTA meetings).
Ciao

Been too long.

It's been so long I forgot why I was writing a blog. 

I'm still not sure but I have a minute and I ended up here, so I am going to type.

Shits been crazy lately. There's no room for error, there's no time for sex- life is full on... full on.

I gotta say though, I really love it. I get off on it almost. I think of the days where nothing is going on and I just wonder "what the hell did I do??".

Not that I am against those days. I do like to lay in bed till 2 p.m. and hide out from the world but that's just not what's doin' lately and I'm into it.

This week is my son's last elementary school talent show. It means so much to me, I love every minute of watching him come up with songs and practice them over and over and over. I know there will be more talent shows, but this one is special. It's the last with this crew that we have grown up with since 1st grade. 

Middle school is rough. This whole getting ready to part ways has been a tough pill for him to swallow. I think he is going to be fine but it is hard to tell. He is sensitive and although he adapts well to change, he is a creature of comfort too- we'll see.

Pregnancy makes me cry,

HARD.

I remember when I was at the end of my pregnancy with Quattro, Eddie and I were watching some relatively dumb movie. I mean, maybe it wasn't but I feel like it was an "eh" movie-

anyway there was this scene at the end or near the end when the lady loses her baby. It was "She's Having a Baby" or something 80's cheesy like that...

Up until that moment, in my then 23 years of life, I had never felt what I felt. As the scene was happening I felt my body get hot and my chin start to shake-  I was kinda scared, I wasn't sure what was going on. Labor? It was very primal. I had never done "primal".

I walked to the bathroom and burst into tears. Like BURST! I was out of control sad. It was this feeling I can only equate with like seeing someone die in front of you.  Someone that you loved desperately. 

I was fucked.

I didn't know what was going on. I was hiding from my husband. I was trying to hide from myself. I just couldn't stop crying, inside my head was like this speeding loop of my life. It was fucking ridiculous.

But now, 12 years later I know all about that feeling. It doesn't only happen from a scene in a movie but for some reason, that does tend to set it off. I think the quiet, "in your head" space you are physically and mentally in while you are watching a movie makes it easier to target you. You are vulnerable when you are watching movies. You don't even have to be watching a good one.

It makes me feel bad for men. I mean, maybe they disagree but I don't think you can have that rush, that feeling- there are no describing words to give you even a remotely good idea of what I mean. Unless you have had a child, I really do not think you can go "there". And maybe that is good, I mean, it is a crazy place. Only for a second, but it's pure insanity.

It dies down when you are not pregnant but once you carry that little thing, once you have a life develop- it's on like Donkey Kong. It's got you.

And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe anyone can go there. Maybe adopted Mothers have it. Hell, maybe Fathers have it too. I don't know. I'm not judging. I had never felt anything like it and now that I am a Mother of, well, basically 3 I can see it all connected.

The "Mom-dar" that I have, it is so strong and drives me crazy sometimes- but it's there. It's part of this primal notion that I am forever on the edge of my seat. I will never again have it be just me. There is no "just me" and that is a really crazy thing. There are no moments in my life that are just mine. And I am absolutely good with that.

Your son is gifted...

but not that gifted.

Here is my appeal letter. One I never had a thought I'd write until I found out my son doesn't have a chance in hell of getting into a program that will best suit his learning abilities. I am sending it out into the abyss that is this blog because that shit makes me feel better and because I'm a writer and I haven't had anything to write about in ages. 

This morning after I got off the phone with the very blunt Enrollment center lady, I was sitting at the table with the news that my son had tested into a gifted program but not quite the one he needed to get into to get a leg up. So why test? Why have this hang over my head? Why have 2 groups of smart kids? Why not just one. The gifted and the not. 

I am in the "not" category (I had to spell check the word "category", no shit) but my son is- why are you telling me he needs to apply like every other Joe, even though you asked him to take a test to state he isn't "Joe"? Hmm? I ask you "why?" On second thought- never mind.

My name is Jessika D and I am writing to appeal for my son Edward D #....

I feel like getting the letter stating he tested high on the MSP was a win for us. He’s a smart kid. In the original letter it said we should think about having him tested in the CogAT, a test I knew nothing about.

Having a child in the public school system has been good to us. We have fought for him when we weren’t happy with a direction (changing schools after kindergarten) and let him rise to the top, by himself, on all the rest.

When I received the letter with his results that he was “eligible as a student who is academically gifted and qualified to enroll in the Spectrum Program”, I was beyond thrilled, I thought he would be on his way to bigger and better things than what a traditional learning school could offer him.

I don’t have any fancy testing to give you. I have never called any group to have my genius son tested, nor have I ever asked him to be a part of a test that would result in such accolades. I do not believe he is a genius. I do believe, however, that he is a child that would not only benefit from such a program as APP but I think he would give that program something back.

My son is not socially delayed, as described in a APP description on the Seattle Schools website. I knew so little about these programs, I did my research. I read every word. I didn’t want him to end up in the unknown, I needed to know where he was headed, if he did in fact receive scores 98% or higher on his CogAT.

He did not, but he came close.

He was accepted into the Spectrum program but after some lengthy phone calls to Enrollment and Adv Learning, I have learned that he is not even guaranteed a spot in his area school, let alone the school we would like for him, which is not our area school. This to me is a waste of great potential.

I am appealing because his scores were good. They were really good. In reading his MAP is a 95 and MSP was 94. In Math he received a 96 on his MAP test. For APP he needed a 95% or higher. On his CogAT, his high was 93.

I would never send my child into something I think he’d fail at. Not because I’m afraid for him to fail, but I do believe in fighting for him and this is what I hope I am doing. I believe wherever he ends up will be where he is destined to be but I also believe that sometimes you need to be given a chance. Destiny and testing can only get you so far.

I know someone will have to give him a chance to let him be accepted into this program. I realize his scores did not qualify him but this test can’t tell you the amount of drive and capacity this child has. He is a sponge. He is smart and unique and will no doubt become a more successful person if given a chance to run with this crowd.

Thank you for reading my appeal.

Jessika D mother of Edward D