Sick.

Why do we get sick?
Why is it that when you really need to be at your best, you get knocked down?
My entire house passed the germ baton this past week and I am still sniffling my way through the day.

Sucks.

Anyone have any good kick your cold in the ass remedy? Besides drinking 2 gallons of OJ?

The hardest part.

If you are new to town, you should go back a few posts and see what's up.
I am in the middle of a reinvent. It's good stuff.

We have been going through the roller coaster of emotions with this move. Maybe all moves are but this one feels epic. This one is the first one in 10 and a half years, so maybe I have enough time in between to forget. Maybe it's designed like childbirth- instant amnesia?

One minute I am feeling invigorated, the next depleted and then almost instantly- elated.
It's weird thing, letting yourself go through them all and knowing you can't get stuck on any one emotion because you will fucking die. Ha! It seems you might because it can be suffocating at times but mostly I am reminding myself that life is a full of ups and downs and the best thing to do is to hold on, look ahead and find the horizon. No matter the pile of shit at your feet (quite literally sometimes).

One thing my husband does better than me (please, no one tell him)- he is an optimist to the end.
He will hold no grudge, no ill will, he isn't bothered by todays disaster because tomorrow can bring you anything you want. Sometimes I tell him how crazy he is, how irresponsible it is to be so optimistic but he is right. I am cautious and sometimes not as free as I once was. I am a cool cat but I fear the worst, expect things to fall apart yet I take comfort in knowing how to turn nothing into something, if I have to.  We are made for each other really, that is something I realize day to day but the problem here is he isn't here to cheer us (me) on. He can't come to my rescue when I am overwhelmed and tell me to give it a rest. He isn't here to help, oh man- I wish I had his help.

So this is all for me. This is for me to sort through, literally and figuratively. I guess this is part of my story. This is a journey that I need to take alone for some reason and I am apparently up for the challenge. I know I can do it but oh. my. god. do I wish I had his help. I have moments when I am freed by packing things up and donating them to less fortunate. I find happiness even in taking our beautiful things and giving them away to people who really, really need them but then I get a sick feeling. What if it is all wrong? What if I am doing it wrong? What if it is all wrong?

I have doubts. They sneak in and I have to battle them alone. That is not what marriage is about but for now, I am left to do this alone and I guess the weight comes from what if it is a mistake? Then I am to blame, alone. That's the part that sucks. Being on a team yet knowing if we lose- it's on me.

Does that make me the quarterback? I am not into sports but I think that's the guy with the most heat.

We aren't only moving. We aren't just taking a trip, we are re-evaluating ourselves, our lives and our story. Everything. It would be simple to move and see if that "helps". We have done that before. After Quattro was born we traveled Europe for 2 months and when we came home we knew something had to be different. Coming back to our lives inside the four walls we called "home" suddenly wasn't interesting. Now I know that moving wasn't what we were looking for, but our move to So. Cal was a blast. We took the trip for which memories and songs were made, but pretty much as soon as we got there, we knew it wasn't what we were after.  Looking back, I realize what we were after was not living in a new zip code, it wasn't getting new friends or visiting old ones. It wasn't needing to be closer to family, although that was a perk- I think what we were after then is what we are after now but being more seasoned as parents and as adults, we can now allow ourselves to go after it. And I believe that "it" is travel, seeing, living, being ourselves. We are lucky to have jobs that don't make us  be in one place. I remember we would discuss that very fact and our eyes would sparkle in awe. We can do this anywhere.

So why haven't we?

When I met Eddie he was traveling a lot but not like he does now. It was fun and exciting and the downtime we had was usually riddled with hangovers and late movie dates across the street from our Wallingford home. We had no responsibilities and we enjoyed it but when we became parents everything and nothing changed. It has taken us 13 years to figure that out.

I don't miss the days of no responsibility. I truly enjoy watching myself learn with these people we have created. I like looking at who they are, who they are becoming and I think this move has a lot to do with them. I don't wish for them to spend 30+ years in fear of anything.

What if?

Someone once wrote "if you stay in the same place long enough, you never go anywhere" and I think I like this a lot. We are exactly the same people we have always been but what we have stopped doing has made us long for something we could never put our finger on. We need to travel, to see the world and living in the four walls of our home (5th since Wallingford days) still isn't doing the trick.

So that's a pretty heavy revaluation. For me anyway. To know that what you were looking for 13 years ago is what you are still looking for today.

Wow.

Like our hairstyles, what we have wanted and needed has changed through those years but the fundamentals are the same. I guess they probably are for everyone and that is helpful to know but we should never forget that time is the only thing we can never, ever get back. So the time is now-

Treading water.

I am reading every bit of information I can find about downsizing.
How to? (nobody tells you anything helpful), why? everyone has their own reasons, and what next? That's the big question.

For us, well- for me, I feel a bit like I am treading water. Like over the last few years we aren't saving any money, we aren't traveling, we aren't living a full life. We aren't together. That's my "why?".
The how and the what next is what I am living right now. And it is like being at the top of a roller coaster.

I remember the first time I ever went to a real amusement park. Cedar Point, with an old friend and we waited in line for this insane looking roller coaster which was, at the time, the tallest and fastest one in the world. I wanted to wait in the longest line to sit in the front row, my friend told me it was intense and any row would do- I just didn't see it like that. I figured if I am going to wait to ride, I am going to get the best seat in the house and recently I have realized that is my personality in a nutshell.  Like it or not, I am not going to waste anytime on something that isn't the best I can get. Maybe that is why when I turn around and look at where I have been it makes me really proud.

I guess the last couple of years have been ones that I felt missed the mark a little. I did feel I was sacrificing and that is also my "why?". I am proud that I have held down to fort with three kids and my husband has been out there chasing  his dream but I realize that this isn't what I want to be doing. I don't want to live the life of a single Mother, although I had a really good one raise me, I am not interested in seeing how tough I am in this arena. It sucks. It's hard and I feel my dreams are so tangible right now. I can feel that thing that they talk about in counseling sessions in high school. I am 20 years past high school and I am finally getting it. That is another thing about me- I'm slow at the giddie up.

Crazy.

I have never known anyone to do something really crazy. Like really truly flip their lives upside down, bat shit crazy.

I have known people that have gone crazy, hell! I've gone "crazy" but I'm talking about the 'grab life by the balls' crazy.

I have never known anyone to grab life by the balls.

This is subjective, I know. Everyone views life's... err, "balls" differently, so maybe I have known this kind of crazy and it is just a different language than mine... but that wouldn't make for a very good story, would it?

I have known a lot of people that have talked about times in their lives when they coulda, woulda (and usually) shoulda done something but they didn't and they always seem to regret not just risking it.
Risking it is no fucking joke. It is scary out there. But then again- it is scary right here.

But we aren't scared. It's not in our nature to be scared of things we don't know. What is happening is that my husband and I are slowly focusing in on what life means to us. I guess that means we are old now? I don't know, nor do I care. I don't feel old but I do feel my life's purpose is not as hazy as it once was. I think he feels the same way.

Over the last year or so we have had a rotating conversation about what is not working in our lives. Since we got together, I have always been on the forefront of that conversation. I think I am the type of person that can always ask for what she wants and when I get it, I am willing to adjust accordingly. I guess if I had a fear, it would be that I live my life and then look back and say "why didn't I do that?" not necessarily "what was I thinking?".

Mistakes are part of the journey- the journey is a dialogue to be written.

I want to write my own dialogue, god dammit! I don't want to do what makes sense or seems right all the time. I want to do what makes me happy and then when the happy fades, I want to pull the wheel to the left- NOT hit the brakes.
Maybe that is a design flaw of mine? Maybe I am a genius.

What's happening here is that the happy is fading. The weeks and months that my husband used to spend with us, are turning into days and hours. That is why it's fading. It isn't fading due to the fact that we have been together for 15 years (Really? Ya, really.) it is purely because what we signed up for, to have a life together, has turned into having pretty decent lives, apart.

I can visualize us staying this way. When I am alone at night and the doubt comes flooding into my mind- I tell myself it's okay the way it is. "We can keep doing this. It isn't that bad." I say.
And it's the truth. It is not that bad but just writing that kinda makes me want to throw up.
I can't imagine living a life with my family and on my death bed saying "it wasn't so bad, right?".
Although that would probably get a laugh.

Here's the things, I am a crazy person hidden in a decent persons body.
I have crazy thoughts and wild ideas and I would absolutely be doing a disservice to myself and the ones I raise, if I didn't utilize that. So what if it goes to shit? If I stay here it could go to shit. I could have an affair, I could get fat and resent my beautiful, sexy husband. I could have 20,000 postcards from all the places my husband has been to. I could become jealous and the only thing worse than getting fat, is jealousy.

I could do just fine here. I could not cheat, not get fat, wish him luck on his tours and sit in the carpool lane, raise our kids, write stories and have picnics and do all the things that I enjoy. I do so enjoy those things. I appreciate a simple life, I toured with a band for 6 years- it has taken me the last 9 years to recover maybe. If I stayed and kept doing this, we might be okay.

I don't know what will happen if I stay here. I know that over the last year when he comes home I am so tired, I barely interact with him. I have gone over and over the guilt vs. necessity of this. I have this battery that can last as long as it takes but when he walks in the door, BAM! the shit is dead. I rarely cook, I sleep way too much and because I am never alone when he is gone, I often escape during the day, solo. It's nice, I'm not going to lie. In the moment I feel justified and I am okay with it at the time. He is encouraging, which is good and bad for me. I need someone to demand more from me, I want him to get more of me and I think that is why this journey has got to be rewritten. I need more from myself and from my life. What good am I if I am too tired to share with him all we have been working on? It's nice to have downtime but when we started referring to his time at home a "vacation mode", we all knew it had to be looked at. The last time he was here I said something like "how was your visit?" I nearly slapped myself.

He doesn't have it easy. He doesn't get to see his kids grow up. He misses everything and I mean everything. He misses the swine flu and the milestone birthdays. He misses the basement flooding and our camping trip. He didn't see his son get braces, his daughter catch her first fish, the baby throw his first ball or me turn any age since I'm 30. I'm almost 40.

He doesn't have it better because he is gone, traveling the world doing what he wants for a living because he has a family that he has to send postcards to and Facetime with to watch their lips curl around their first words. He receives long text messages when I am pissed off, because he didn't have service during "the fight". We go so long without being close that when we are together it is a little like watching a stranger undress. A fine ass stranger, but stranger none the less.

It is not the worst thing, it is not the worst way to live, but if he did it forever, he too would have to proclaim "it wasn't so bad, right?".

So what to do? I have touched on this before and hinted and posted pictures of dream Airstreams and now we are biting the bullet that has been in our mouths for so long our breath smells like metal.
We are packing our things. We are selling everything that can be replaced and we are hitting the road. Like, for real. We are all on board, the ones that are in the mix are all for it and it couldn't make me more proud. My kids are willing to give up their things, their excessive amount of things to live a life together. To know that they are willing to do this is enough to call the whole thing off but as you can probably guess, we won't.

We are jumping in all the way. We are going into a world unknown, unannounced and with big ass smiles on our faces as we grab life by the balls and rewrite something for the simple fact that it needs it.

Wool is for socks, not for eyes.

Parenting.

Let me preface this with I am not doing it perfect, the parenting thing. I am not even attempting to be perfect and I know that there will be times that I am comfy with my head in the sand. So just to be clear, I am an observer in this blog post. It is just too hard to ignore these days.

Parenting is hard. It is hard enough when someone is not judging you but even harder when you feel you have to defend yourself or your choices. But when does that defense mechanism malfunction and throws us into being just defensive and passive aggressive?

Honey, it's happening.

Lately, and I don't know if this is because I have a teenager or because high school is looming but instead of conversation and information- a lot of the talks turn parents into defending their choice, even when the choice is the very subject we are debating. I find it hard to talk to someone who is completely unsure of their stance yet unable to discuss different ways of doing things. It is not only counterproductive, it is insanely annoying.

Why are we so judgmental, girl?

And I am too. Being a homeschooling parent has put me into this place that most people know nothing about they either think it sounds amazing or they hate it. It's like sushi. You know when someone has never had it but they say how gross it is? If they want to know something, they just have to ask and a lot of friends and parents do. I find I have to beg myself not to judge when it comes to children in a religious school. Not because I think organized religion is a crock but because it seems the parents do too. Yet, these parents are sending their kids there. This confuses me. If it isn't something you do not believe in, what message is that sending the kids? I don't care where anyones kid goes to school. I don't. I have friends that have their kids in catholic school and took them out, I have friends that have their kids in private school and love it. I also have friends that have kids in catholic school and their kids enjoy it, those people are practicing catholics. My Mother grew up in the Catholic school and I grew up in like 8. I don't have any room to say what is better for any kid, shit I am still figuring out what is good for my kids- but I have a hard time swallowing the logic of putting a non-religious kid in a facility that pumps religion. Not only are the kids being subject to the religion (in which you may or may not worship in your home) but you are also giving that church money to fund their... trying not to offend here but it is really hard.
You know what I'm saying.

My son went to a public school and then in 6th grade got into a sort of charter school. It is not a charter but is it is an alternative learning school (not the kind for delinquents like myself) they sort of beat to their own drum there- well in theory. He went there with the mindset that this would be a different style of learning. Maybe a more eclectic style, less sitting in a desk. Everyone calls it the "hippie school" well usually the parents who have never so much as set foot inside. It was supposed to be less.. I don't really know, less traditional style learning, in some ways it was and some ways it wasn't.

So, here's my point. I did have one, I think.
My point is, I sent my kid to this school because I thought it would fit HIM more. I thought he would benefit from a little unique style learning, that would keep him interested in learning. He is a good student but he is really creative and sometimes a standard desk doesn't really enhance that in a child.  I thought it was suit him. Not me. I wasn't looking for a school to change my kids path, I wasn't looking for it to fix him in anyway, just enhance him and let his love of learning continue.

I  may be wrong but I think a lot of people are looking to schools and religion to change things in a fundamental way that I don't believe is possible. That is why a lot of people find God and I am not debating that here. I am not in a position to discuss whether religion is good for you.  I believe in this case, it is stifling to the child. The work that goes into raising a child and a troubled one is done at home, therapy I believe. I think there is this idea that we can stick our kids in a place (in which they may or may not belong) and it will turn them out okay. It will somehow funnel them through to the other side of high school or middle school (or life) and they will find themselves on the right path and I am calling bullshit on the whole thing.

I am not calling bullshit on our willingness as parents to try and do what is best for our kids. OMG, I am always trying to do what is best and I am sure that is the general consensus BUT I fear that it is an easy fix for a big problem and if anyone has ever tried to spit into their ink cartridge, you know what I'm talking about.

I am worried for these kids. I am worried they hate where they are, what they are doing and they will get through that misery by doing things that they shouldn't be doing.
No school is perfect and no school will keep us out of trouble. If we as humans are looking for trouble, we will find it.

There is no magic band-aid to fix a teenager. I have one and I was one. I know how wide the spectrum is. It's huge. I was awful and I broke every rule and did everything wrong and that was just my journey. A lot of people pass judgement on me because my teenager is thought of a ideal in ways but he is just doing him. I don't believe anyone has the perfect child and we all struggle with decisions we are making for someone else's life, I just wanted to shed some light on something that happens in every town, every day to everyone.

Dear Turkey and Mr. Bear...

I am writing you because I know I will be 80 years old one day and looking back I will want to thank you. I'll want to thank you for changing the game for me. I have always considered writing something that has come easily for me, storytelling is gift but to become an author... well, that's new.

If it wasn't for you, you needling in my head every night for weeks upon months that turned into two goddamn years- I might now be "here".
Here is a place we will call "success". Successful in that I did something I wanted to, without letting life get in my way. Success in finishing, geez... isn't that what it is all about?
Finishing? From the moment "Mr. Bear" came out of my mouth that night, I knew I was a changed person. I felt different, I grew that night.

Age 36 and I grew.

If you know me, you know that is the best part.
Success for me won't mean money or fame or even seeing my book on any other shelf but my own.

Finishing. That's everything.


Thank you to everyone who has supported me in the presales. The book is still and always will be for sale on my website, to read testimonials and hear a bit of the audio.
You can purchase and review my book on Amazon as well. And if you find yourself at the Wax Bar in Ballard or Hansen's Surf shop in Encinitas or at All Day Cafe in Sious Falls, SD be sure to tell them thanks for carrying my book and for the love of silly Turkey, buy another copy.

JD

Self doubt.

Yikes. This is the worst feeling ever.

The feeling you get when everything that you have worked for may just fall apart in front of you.
Self doubt sneaks up on us, even if we are strong and brave and tirelessly working- it can find you.

I have worked harder on my book  that almost anything in my life.
It was my fourth baby, made of blood, sweat and paper.

There are about 3 days until my book is officially out. I am just about ready to receive a shipment of 9 boxes, that I will sign and mail out to all of the lovely individuals who purchased it. I thank you.

And even though I have met my goal, I am bitting my nails.

Like now what?

What do I do now? How can I sell more? How will I get a store to pick it up?

I guess it all comes with time, with work...

Please, if you have a way to help, whether it is tweeting my website link, talking about it by the water cooler. Maybe you know someone that knows someone... who knows where this can go.

Why not me?


If you haven't been over to our family's website, you should check it out.