Thursday, July 12, 2012

On the fence... what to do?

Jump!
Seriously.
I saw my doctor today.
Here's the thing.
They always say "let us know" as to say we, as patients, need to keep them informed of how we are as people. I mean, of course! right? that is their job. We "hire" them to take care of us. So I've got a big "wtf?" for my OBGYN's office when I told them I wanted to be seen for a "follow up" on my PPD or baby blues, or whatever the fuck we are suppose to call it and they gave me a phone number to a shrink that can see me in (wait for it) 6 weeks!!
I'm no fucking genius but I'd lean on the side of "that's not going to cut it".
I'm depressed NOW. Or whatever.
I have a hard time saying the word because it's not like I feel terrible. I just feel... "blah". I know what depression is. It's not pretty. But now I am fully aware that it can come in all shapes and sizes. My "choose to be happy" bullshit just isn't working. Am I a full on depressed "I hate my life" victim, err.. I mean person? No. I don't think so, but there's something wrong with my brain. The part I can usually control with music or something I really love- I just have no control over.
I went shopping a couple evenings ago (shoe shopping! Alone!!) and I bought practically nothing. I just felt, well ya, I just felt blah. And those exclamation points I just used... they mock me because I have none of feeling behind their meaning. Sad really.
So back to my ridiculous doctor drama.
I called the office back to inform them that as far as what I read online, waiting 6 weeks was probably the worst idea ever for what I was going through. I explained I thought I needed more immediate attention because- well, I had no good reason, I just kept saying "because" I should have said "because I deserve it".
They asked if I felt homicidal and I said "just with the office lady that said they would see me, a PPD patient, who just had a baby, in 6 weeks" and she didn't get my humor (hey bitch, at least I am trying).
She then told me she wasn't sure what else to do as the office would not necessarily prescribe me anti depressants without therapy... I hung up.
I sat there for like 20 minutes and asked myself what to do.
"WTF now?" I was thinking. Seriously. Wtf now?
I could totally stick this thing out and let the garbage run it's course. I know this is fleeting and I know that I am not suicidal or homicidal. I DO NOT feel like I am failing to bond with my newborn. I don't feel like life is too much or hopeless. I just wake up everyday and have to fight till I'm emotionally bloodied to have a decent day as myself and that is not normal. I find that I am not hungry and I am not interested in conversation with people. I sat in the livingroom the other day, while my 2 little ones were sleeping and I just sat there. I didn't do anything. I just sat there. But days prior I had a fabulous afternoon reading and I enjoyed myself- but it's not most of the time that that happens. It's seldom and I think that is a problem.
Listen, I have three kids. By choice. I know my limits, I don't feel in over my head. It is not even about them. This could be the depression talking but even when there's crying and spilled milk- I really don't feel my "blah" thing at those times. That's when I feel most alive, like when shit is getting rowdy, I can handle that. It's all the times in between. The times to myself, I just feel less than myself. I feel like I can see that person and she's just not here. She is not present and to know me even a little is to know that I have to be present. I am quick. I am here, I live for that- knowing, seeing, hearing, speaking everything right now... that's gone in a way.
I'm writing all of this as a way to seek therapy. I guess waiting 6 weeks for a god damn professional is not something I am choosing to do. I don't have 6 weeks to hold it all in. In 6 weeks I am not even going to be here, I will be better. I will be happy. I will be "her". Again.

4 comments:

  1. The only things I can offer are: be a pest to your doctor's office; see if there are other agencies in your area that could help (midwife services, etc); and check around for an online forum (babycenter, etc) for other suggestions. One more thing - as tempting as it may be to exaggerate, don't tell the doc's office you are suicidal or homicidal because GOD FORBID that could trigger a call to Child Protective Services. I'm so sorry you are going through this. :(

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  2. Well, it's different over here in Germany with doctor's appointments, and then again it's not different at all. We have two kinds of health insurances, the private insurance which usually can be used only by rich people and the 'official' ones. You can guess what I'm telling you next, right? The private insuranced people get an appointment within a week, the others have to wait for about 6 weeks. That sucks! If anyone in the States tell the health insurance system is working better in Europe - hell no! At least for Germany I absolutely disagree. Can't speak for the rest of Europe though.
    I - again - understand completely what you mean. My cause is a different one though, but that doesn't matter. It's the time inbetween that makes me sit and watch the same point in the room for like hours. In those times I just feel so empty. And it doesn't help me at all being a very impatient person either. I want everything immediately, also me getting rid of that emptiness. I thought about a solution, an antidote. I'm getting myself more, or better: new things to do, stuff I can concentrate on to fill the emptiness inside!

    In case of seeing someone who listens to you and gives you professional advice I unfortunately can't help as I'm not living in the States. But maybe there are family centres around which offer some help in this direction?
    I personally think, too that writing things down helps A LOT :) So, all the best to you in each and every way!

    Hugs,
    Stefanie Kelly

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  3. I went through this and my ob-gyn went ahead and gave me low dose Zoloft (50 mg pill once per day) and it worked. After a few months I cut them in half for a week and then stopped altogether. It helped. It didn't make me the feisty, exuberant person again, but I became less concerned with the changes and the fluxes and felt more in control with more of a "middle ground." I'm not sure if you're breast feeding and I'm not sure about the safety of the med and breast milk (probably a no-no), but it's worth a phone call to your doctor. The sad thing is that lots of people in real crises and are suicidal are waiting weeks and weeks too and only admitted after actually hurting themselves. I know I don't know you personally, but if you EVER want anyone to run things by or vent, please email me at dawnkamen@yahoo.com or hit me up on facebook. Really. Sometimes talking through with someone that's been through it is helpful. Plus I'm about a week away from my RN licensure exam. I know stuff. ;)

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  4. Dr. Zantop at Ballard Hospital. Call her now, she's great!

    http://www.swedish.org/Physicians/Veronika-Zantop#axzz20p9BCAD0

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