Boobs vs. the floss

I took the kids to lunch in our old stomping grounds (West Seattle) the other day.

I've noticed we have become somewhat of a spectacle since the arrival of Zeke. Three kids, somehow, draws a lot of attention. 

Anyway, as we sat there eating lunch the baby, like clockwork, wanted to eat too.

I am a breastfeeding Mom- hardcore, 100%. Straight up boobies for my chickens.

A lady sitting across from us with her Grandson, who looked to be my age, leaned over to him and said "that's disgusting". I heard her because I have super powers, as in, I can hear everything.

I watched him as he turned around and looked at my table, on the sly (not at all sly and lets face it, it never is), he didn't seem to care.

I am just sharing this little piece, not because it upset me, if you have been reading at all lately, you know I have bigger fish to fry. 

I've BF two kids so far and I have heard it all. Even from people I know.

I have been told "put that away"- literally. Someone said that to me. 

But I see it like this-

as a mother it is my job to do the best I can do no matter what. 

If I had to break the law for my kids, for their greater good- I would. Absofuckinlutely.

So I am sharing this because maybe someone is reading and they are getting a bunch of shit for their choice to BF, if you are, stick with it. This old lady and anyone else who has a problem with it, is just not worth the sweat of going over and sticking up for myself.

Maybe some people do find it disgusting and maybe to them it is not right, but to me it is and that is all I really care about. It's a choice and not an easy one. Sometimes I wish I was handing my baby off with a bottle to someone else, boobs still covered but I'm not and I don't foresee that happening (not that there's anything wrong with that) because it is my hope to give them the best I can, while I can and send them on their way (eventually).

As I was leaving the restaurant, the lady's grandson was outside smoking and she was at the table flossing her teeth. Yep, you heard me- Grandma was flossing her teeth, at the table, in a restaurant.

As the kids and I passed her table I looked at her and smiled and said 

"that's disgusting".

Oh. You're reading this.

I always am shocked to hear that people read this thing. I am not a self loather, I mean, I think sometimes this is a "good read" but I'm no Jack Kerouac.
When someone mentions it, "I read your blog" for a split second I go, "my what?" in my head, but with all the other voices, it just blends in.
I'm KIDDING. There's only one voice in my head.

On the fence... what to do?

Jump!
Seriously.
I saw my doctor today.
Here's the thing.
They always say "let us know" as to say we, as patients, need to keep them informed of how we are as people. I mean, of course! right? that is their job. We "hire" them to take care of us. So I've got a big "wtf?" for my OBGYN's office when I told them I wanted to be seen for a "follow up" on my PPD or baby blues, or whatever the fuck we are suppose to call it and they gave me a phone number to a shrink that can see me in (wait for it) 6 weeks!!
I'm no fucking genius but I'd lean on the side of "that's not going to cut it".
I'm depressed NOW. Or whatever.
I have a hard time saying the word because it's not like I feel terrible. I just feel... "blah". I know what depression is. It's not pretty. But now I am fully aware that it can come in all shapes and sizes. My "choose to be happy" bullshit just isn't working. Am I a full on depressed "I hate my life" victim, err.. I mean person? No. I don't think so, but there's something wrong with my brain. The part I can usually control with music or something I really love- I just have no control over.
I went shopping a couple evenings ago (shoe shopping! Alone!!) and I bought practically nothing. I just felt, well ya, I just felt blah. And those exclamation points I just used... they mock me because I have none of feeling behind their meaning. Sad really.
So back to my ridiculous doctor drama.
I called the office back to inform them that as far as what I read online, waiting 6 weeks was probably the worst idea ever for what I was going through. I explained I thought I needed more immediate attention because- well, I had no good reason, I just kept saying "because" I should have said "because I deserve it".
They asked if I felt homicidal and I said "just with the office lady that said they would see me, a PPD patient, who just had a baby, in 6 weeks" and she didn't get my humor (hey bitch, at least I am trying).
She then told me she wasn't sure what else to do as the office would not necessarily prescribe me anti depressants without therapy... I hung up.
I sat there for like 20 minutes and asked myself what to do.
"WTF now?" I was thinking. Seriously. Wtf now?
I could totally stick this thing out and let the garbage run it's course. I know this is fleeting and I know that I am not suicidal or homicidal. I DO NOT feel like I am failing to bond with my newborn. I don't feel like life is too much or hopeless. I just wake up everyday and have to fight till I'm emotionally bloodied to have a decent day as myself and that is not normal. I find that I am not hungry and I am not interested in conversation with people. I sat in the livingroom the other day, while my 2 little ones were sleeping and I just sat there. I didn't do anything. I just sat there. But days prior I had a fabulous afternoon reading and I enjoyed myself- but it's not most of the time that that happens. It's seldom and I think that is a problem.
Listen, I have three kids. By choice. I know my limits, I don't feel in over my head. It is not even about them. This could be the depression talking but even when there's crying and spilled milk- I really don't feel my "blah" thing at those times. That's when I feel most alive, like when shit is getting rowdy, I can handle that. It's all the times in between. The times to myself, I just feel less than myself. I feel like I can see that person and she's just not here. She is not present and to know me even a little is to know that I have to be present. I am quick. I am here, I live for that- knowing, seeing, hearing, speaking everything right now... that's gone in a way.
I'm writing all of this as a way to seek therapy. I guess waiting 6 weeks for a god damn professional is not something I am choosing to do. I don't have 6 weeks to hold it all in. In 6 weeks I am not even going to be here, I will be better. I will be happy. I will be "her". Again.

Beer and cereal

Seriously, that is what I had for dinner... or going to have. I'm having the beer now and will take the bowl of cereal to bed. Where I will eat it with a newborn on my lap, no doubt spilling milk on his head. It's okay, he barely notices me anyway.
Newborns are funny. They sleep all the time and they could give two shits who is feeding them. I guess it is all survival. If someone fed him coconut milk out of a can, he would probably just suck it down and pass out.
I read somewhere that newborns smile "reflex" is thought to be a survival thing. Making them so cute, cute enough to keep them safe. I thought that was 1. totally fucking adorable and second, pretty damn depressing.
Ugh. It's in the air for me. I just can't shake it. I have moments of clarity where I feel like I have my shit together and things are good, then I just get caught up I guess. It's so hard to explain.
Especially to your spouse. You know, the one you are suppose to be able to talk to .
My husband told me he thought it was too bad there were no roller coasters in Seattle- I couldn't for the life of me think of why those words would be strung together like that and then he said "so you could have something fun to do!". If it had not been via text and say, over the phone. I would have hung up.
In person- slap.
He also suggested I "go have a cupcake or something".
I told him it wasn't that simple... I really wanted to say something else, but I was trying to be nice.
He just brushed it off like "ya, how could I ever know what you are going through?".
I suggested he go read a fucking book about it.
See. Nice.

It is not wise to travel alone

while feeling blue.
I'm just saying.

Okay. Now what?

That is sort of what it feels like after you have a baby.
I went to the hospital today to get the lamest blood test- the PKU, on the baby. They poke and squeeze the shit out of their heel, dabbing blood on a piece of paper. I read there is a urine test that "we" don't do- I'm guessing because it is more fun to poke an infants heel and watch them scream.
Anyway, I am losing my train of thought- the newest member of my day to day...
I walked into the hospital and instantly felt like I could cry. It is all over.
The hubbub, the awesome chaos that is pregnancy. The whirlwind, the importance of what your doing, what you are holding in your abdomen. It's all over.
Now it's just me, walking in with a stroller.
What is that?
It's not like I wish I was still pregnant. I really don't. I just have this feeling of being dissatisfied.
In life?
Not really.
In my being a Mother?
Not at all.
It's just this low lying feeling, in the pit of my stomach that makes me ask "now what?".
I'm not sure.
I have three kids and a great husband, so it is not like I am missing anything.
I have a thought that maybe while being pregnant I was actively doing something that came to an end and now my mind is wishing, (needing?) something to put into the future to "work towards"?
Could be.
I feel like my first child saved my life. He absolutely did- and that is another blog entry for another day.
My second changed the game. Completely. She turned us upside down in the best way. We would not be who we are today without her.
And my last... hard to say. I feel like he is giving me a purpose in a way. He has forced me to write about this. He has given me a reason to tap into what plagues a lot of us, with the "baby blues" or PPD- there are so many levels or stages... maybe it's not that serious and maybe it could get that way. Either way, for me this is my therapy. I can afford it, I have time for it and maybe it will work.

This is our guy.