I don't even want to kill anyone.
Well not really anyway.
Picked Eddie up today, spent some quality time with my niece and nephew- the coolest kids around... well other than my own. It is nice to be around family, for the most part, I always think it is but this time seems especially so. I think it is because I am okay with the differences, I'm not trying to change anyone, not trying to improve those that I love. I am living among them as they are and as I am and it is liberating actually.
See in the past (well up until this trip) I have always come to visit and really tried to bring the best out of everyone and it always backfired on me, leading me into this vicious circle of me feeling negated and them I am assuming attacked. I don't know, maybe not attacked but I think they felt a little uncomfortable. That's the thing about a family, they sometimes don't want change. Sometimes they know things are messy or complicated and they like it. They find peace in it even, and I was always under the impression that if I have learned anything I should share it, especially with them, I should bring my knowledge of whatever it may be that I think they need and teach them, when really, unless they think they need it, "it" is useless.
My sister always thinks I am trying to prove I am better than everyone and it's not about that. I learn things from my friends constantly and not only friends, people I don't know and I am not afraid to learn, I welcome it. I need it. I want to know more, do better and pass it on, but not every does, they want to pretend they know it all, they want to pretend their way is better, purely on the simple fact that they have been doing it that way and it must be "just fine.. that's the thing too, "just fine"! Ick, I loathe that.
I remember one time, a million years ago, my sister said something like, "you think your better than everyone" and I sat there trying to think of why that was a bad thing... but not in a crappy way, but you know, why shouldn't I at least WANT to be better than everyone? I don't think I'm stuck up, I don't think anyone that knows me would think that either, but family... do they really know you? I mean, my family still teases me about shit that happened when I was 15, so that is the me they know. And I am just not her anymore. Not at all. And if I was I would be a very different person, someone who thinks she is better than no one... sometimes I think they might wish, just a little, that I was still that little girl, the lost one. The one with the defined problems, the one that was the "bad seed" the trouble in the family. Because now, someone else has to step up and fail, someone elses troubles will rise up to be the attention grabbing pity magnet. And it ain't me. Nope. Finally, whew.
My sister said the weirdest thing to me today at lunch. There were three of us and the waitress brought the credit card receipts for all of us to sign and laid out three pens. My sister grabbed one and I looked up and saw a zebra striped one and grabbed it and said "cool" and then when I tried to use it it didn't work and she said "See. That's what you get".
I don't know why but the words rung in my ears, they paralysed me for a millisecond and I couldn't understand why, now after writing all of this, I think I do. I get it.