Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Please forgive me.

I have always wanted to be smarter.
See even there, I am not sure if I should say "smarter" or "more smart". I'm guessing the latter sounds as dumb as anything, so I will choose A. I wanted to be more intelligent, not anal retentive.
I didn't have the best grades and I have never taken to anything naturally.
I am good at things, but that is because I had to work at it. That doesn't happen to everyone.
I remember growing up, my sister couldn't get a bad grade if she wanted... I, on the other hand, learned my mothers signature very early.
I was also not a very good kid... but, I was fun and I kept things interesting. Everyone said I was "different", I am cool with that now, not then. I really just wanted to be smart and get good grades, easily, and get attention without having to be bad.
I was the second child, to a mother who was twice divorced. She had to work because my "father" was a total deadbeat and that left little time for anything.
I think my childhood, if I can call it that, was fine. It was what it was, as "they" say.
I was thinking about all of this not because I am rehashing my youth with my shrink. I am never rehashing. I don't blame my faults on the past and I don't waste time pin pointing things that went on back then, that have left me totally fucked up now. Who has the time? I'm going forward people. You should join me.
I was thinking about grades and smarts and natural abilities because I have a son that seems to have a little somethin' somethin'. He has the thing, the thing I guess my sister had. He doesn't have to try to get it. He gets it. He does work really hard, he's 10, distraction if anything gets the best of him and that keeps him on his toes.
But like with so many people that have the brains, the natural ability to have things come more easily than most- how do I keep it that way? How do I nurture this child who has no real idea of how smart he is (the best ones don't)?
Other than keep him from starting a band, I mean, that is a given. He is growing up in this business, which is our bread and butter. We are part of this very small group that get to live off of music. It's radical. It's awesome. It is hard.
Not just the business end of everything (make money when you tour, make non when you don't. Lame! Although if you own your own music you do see $ from that. Do not sell your songs people and my advice? Write the song, it is the only way you will see cash when you are not touring)
Ok, so what was I saying? Oh right, when you are a touring band, musician whatever- sure there are many tiers. There are private planes, tour buses, econoline vans and your own car. I have never been a part of the private planes, that's fine, really, it always makes me think of La Bamba... honestly, I couldn't do it and they are bad for the planet.
I can't deny my child his passion. IF he grows up and has a band and that is what he is going to do, great, well, fine- not great. He will know a lot about it before hand, he has grown up on tour. He lost his first tooth on the road in a market, he learned how to walk backstage, potty trained in the urinal, went from a crib to a tour bus bunk. He knows what it is like to eat chips and salsa for dinner and have a meal at 2 a.m. in the back of the van. He learned how to read in his car seat in the "big red van". He has been in probably 1500 hotel rooms, he has traveled across Canada in Pearl Jams bus. He spent half of his kindergarten year in Europe because school was pissing me off.
I love the road, he loves the road but do I want him in a band? On the road? In one word... no.
I don't.
I want him in college. I want him to be something amazing that he is good at and wants to do and something where he can be himself and create something that makes him feel powerful.
I just described my husbands life.
I guess a band it is.

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