Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Throwing in the towel

Do you ever want to just quit? Like, literally, walk out the door and just say "that's it! I'm done!".
Man, I do.
Today that was me. And a little of yesterday too.
I am so tired and spread too thin. My own fault, I guess I just want to do too much and I feel like cutting anything out will make something else totally fucked up... so I try to do it all and guess what?
I can't.
Ugh. I hate that almost more than I hate the being fed up part.
Sometimes I just want my husband to come home and go to work in the morning and come back in the evening. Just like everyone else. People thing the rock n' roll is so easy, but it's not. It is SO not.
I'm starring down the barrel of 5 (more) weeks before I get to spend 7 days with him and then he's off again for another month, home for a week then gone again... I'm bitching. I realize it could be worse, but this is my blog.
I was listening to " The Incredibles" when the scene where the Mom is at the dinner table with the kids who are going ape shit and she is yelling for the Dad to come "intervene!". I need to do that right now. I needed that today, to yell out for my husband to come and help. But he is in Florida, trying not to get eaten by alligators or whatever it is that you do in Florida... I needed a back-up and I don't have it. Sucks.
What is one to do? Sit in a dark corner and regroup... I guess, I mean, that is the only thing to do.
I ordered take out, it was so salty we could barely eat it... I should have just made dinner.
I worked for a while in Q's costume... now the kitchen is covered with green fur...
I let E have a popsicle because she hasn't eaten in 4 days because she is getting over something and now there's a trail of sticky pink shit all over the floor.
I ran a bath for myself and then started doing some school work... now my bath is cold.
I'm having a bad day and that is allowed. I guess that is the real lesson I can learn. As long as I know it's just a day (or a week, tops), I will get through it.
And no, I won't get to make dinner every night and holler at my husband to come intervene when things get wild, but that is okay too. When he is home he is completely home. He is loved whether he is here or there and sometimes I love him more when he's gone, because I feel invincible because I have to do this all on my own. That is a good feeling, however hard it is on these days, this is it. This is it. This is the ride I chose and I do believe I chose wisely.
Good night cruel world. If you hand me a pair of deuces tomorrow, you can go f' yourself.

2 comments:

  1. Does it help in any way if I tell you that my day today and also yesterday was kind of as bad as yours??! Different topics to deal with - me - but definitely Wednesday, yesterday, was a bummer! Today was oookaaaay, but in the end - no, it wasn't. So. No idea if that helps, but, you are not alone!!!! Cheers from Berlin

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  2. Ah! Point heard and taken. I have a bit of the wonder-woman bug myself. Home cooked, homemade, home to witness it all. It gets super hard when the current seems to flow the opposite direction of the way you think need it to. However... You'd still have bad days if yo man was home on a daily basis... difference being... you'd be frustrated with him too.
    Maybe the bad days come along once in a while just so we know what the f*** the good days look like.
    Cheers to a better tomorrow.

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